Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

"So you would LOVE them (чтобы вы их (по)любили) ," God replies (отвечает) .

The man ponders a moment (задумался на секунду; to ponder — обдумывать) and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads? (такими легкомысленными: "воздушноголовыми") "

God says, "So they would love you! (чтобы они (по)любили вас) "

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them," God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"

Go right ahead.

A New York Divorce Lawyer (нью-йоркский адвокат по бракоразводным процессам; divorce [dɪˈvɔ(r)s]) died and arrived at the Pearly Gates (умер и попал к жемчужным воротам = к вратам рая) . Saint Peter asks him (Святой Петр спрашивает его) , "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? (что ты сделал, чтобы удостоиться входа в рай) " The Lawyer thought a moment (подумал секунду) , then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street (неделю назад я дал четвертак (25 пенсов) бездомному человеку на улице) ." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out (проверить это) in the record (в записи, архиве; record [ˈrekɔ(r)d]) , and after a moment (через секунду) Gabriel affirmed that this was true (подтвердил, что это правда) .

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine (ну, это здорово, прекрасно) , but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven (но этого на самом деле не вполне достаточно, чтобы взять тебя в рай; quite — вполне, довольно) ."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! (подождите, подождите, вот еще) Three years ago (три года назад) I also (также) gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded (кивнул) to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back (кивнул в ответ) , affirming this, too, had been verified (подтверждая, что это также проверено; to verify [ˈverɪfaɪ]) .

Saint Peter then whispered (шепнул) to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? (что ты предлагаешь нам сделать с этим парнем) "

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance (косой взгляд) , then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell! (давай отдадим ему обратно его 50 центов и скажем ему отправляться к черту: «в ад») "

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Go to Hell!

Three men died in a car accident (три человека погибли в автомобильной аварии) and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates (и встретили самого Иисуса у жемчужных ворот) .

The Lord spoke unto them saying (Бог обратился к ним, говоря; unto = to /высок., поэтич./) , "I will ask you each a simple question (я задам вам каждому простой вопрос) . If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven (если вы скажете правду, я пущу вас в рай; to allow — позволять) , but if you lie… (но если вы солжете) Hell is waiting for you (ад вас дожидается, ждет вас) ."

To the first (первого) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? (сколько раз ты обманывал свою жену) "

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband (я был хорошим мужем) . I never (никогда) cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! (очень хорошо) Not only will I allow you in (я не только позволю тебе войти) , but for being faithful to your wife (но за верность жене; faithful — верный; faith — вера) I will give you a huge mansion (огромный особняк) and a limo (лимузин) for your transportation."

To the second (второго) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice (дважды) ."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness (неверность) , you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW (ты получишь дом с четырьмя спальнями и БMВ) ."

To the third (третьего) man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times (около восьми раз) ."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment (однокомнатную квартиру) , and a Yugo for your transportation."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя) the second and third men saw (увидели /to see — saw — seen/) the first man crying his eyes out (горько рыдающим: "выплакивающим свои глаза") .

"Why (почему) are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago (я плачу, потому что видел свою жену некоторое время назад) , and she was riding a skateboard! (и она ехала на скейтборде: skate — конек; to skate — скользить /на коньках/; board — доска) "

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie… Hell is waiting for you."

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation."

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation."

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

I never cheated on my wife.

Why are you crying?

Three buddies die in a car crash (три дружка умирают в автомобильной аварии; to crush — раздавить) , and they go to heaven to an orientation (и они отправляются в рай для "ориентации"=чтобы их направили, распределили по заслугам) .

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket (когда вы в гробу) and friends and family are mourning upon you (и друзья и семья оплакивают вас, скорбят над вами) , what would you like to hear them say about you? (чтобы вы хотели услышать от них о вас) "

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time (что я был великим врачом своего времени) , and a great family man (и отличным семьянином) ."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow (что я был чудесным мужем и школьным учителем, который сильно изменил /к лучшему/ наших детей завтрашнего дня: "сделал огромную разницу, огромное отличие в наших детях грядущего дня"; difference [ˈdɪferǝns]) ."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving! (смотрите! Он шевелится!) "

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Look! He's moving!

This guy dies and is sent to Hell (этот = один парень умирает и послан в ад /to send-sent-sent/) . Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms (сатана встречает его и показывает ему двери к трем комнатам) and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in (и говорит, что он должен выбрать одну из комнат, чтобы проводить в ней вечность) .