Деймон Раньон - «Тобиас Ужасный» и другие рассказы

"So," Nicely–Nicely says, "I come to live here with Miss Hilda Slocum and her mother, so she can supervise my diet.

"My goodness gracious," Horsey says. "What do you eat, Nicely?"

"Well," Nicely–Nicely says, "I eat anything that does not contain starch, but," he says, "of course everything worth eating contains starch, so I really do not eat much of anything whatever. My fiancée, Miss Hilda Slocum, arranges my diet. She is an expert dietician and runs a widely known department in a diet magazine by the name of Let's Keep House."

Then Horsey tells Nicely–Nicely of how he is matched to eat against this Joel Duffle, and at first Nicely–Nicely listens with great interest, and his eyes are shining, but then he becomes very sad, and says:

"It is no use, gentlemen," he says. "My fiancée, Miss Hilda Slocum, will never hear of me going off my diet even for a little while. However," he says, "let us call Miss Hilda Slocum in and see what her reactions to your proposition are."

So we call Miss Hilda Slocum in, and her reactions are to order Horsey and me out of the joint with instructions never to darken her door again, and when we are a block away we can still hear her voice speaking very firmly to Nicely–Nicely.

Well, personally, I figure this ends the matter, if Horsey does not happen to get a wonderful break.

He is at Belmont Park one afternoon, and he has a real good tip in a race, and when a brisk young character in a hard straw hat and eyeglasses comes along and asks him what he likes, Horsey mentions the tip.

Well, everything comes out all right, and the brisk young character is very grateful to Horsey for his information, and then the brisk young character mentions that he is nobody but Mr. McBurgle, the editor of the Let's Keep House magazine, and tells Horsey to drop in and see him any time.

Naturally, Horsey remembers what Nicely–Nicely says about Miss Hilda Slocum working for this Let's Keep House magazine, and he relates the story of the eating contest to Mr. McBurgle and asks him to influence Miss Hilda Slocum to get her to release Nicely–Nicely from his diet long enough for the contest. Then Horsey gives Mr. McBurgle a tip on another winner, and Mr. McBurgle must use plenty of influence on Miss Hilda Slocum at once, as the next day she calls Horsey up at his hotel before he is out of bed, and speaks to him as follows:

""I will never change my attitude about Quentin, but," she says, "I can appreciate that he feels very bad about you gentlemen relying on him and having to disappoint you. He feels that he lets you down, which is by no means true, but it is interfering with his diet.

"Now," Miss Hilda Slocum says, "I do not approve of your contest, but I have a friend by the name of Miss Violette Shumberger who may answer your purpose. She is my dearest friend from childhood, but it is only because I love her dearly that this friendship endures. She is extremely fond of eating," Miss Hilda Slocum says. "In spite of my pleadings, and my warnings, and my own example, she persists in food. It is disgusting to me but I finally learn that it is no use arguing with her.

"She remains my dearest friend," Miss Hilda Slocum says, "though she continues her practice of eating, and I am informed that she is phenomenal in this respect," she says, "Violette Shumberger can perform the eating. Goodbye. You cannot have Nicely–Nicely."

Well, nobody cares much about this idea and especially about a Judy that no one ever hears of before, and many citizens are in favor of pulling out of the contest altogether. But Horsey has his thousand–dollar forfeitto think of, and as no one can suggest anyone else, he finally arranges a personal meetwith the Judy suggested by Miss Hilda Slocum.

He comes into Mindy's one evening with a female character who is so fat it is necessary to push three tables together to give her room for her lap, and it seems that this character is Miss Violette Shumberger. She weighs maybe two hundred and fifty pounds, but she is by no means bad–looking. She has a face the size of a town clock and enough chins for a fire escape, but she has a nice smile and pretty teeth, and a laugh that is so hearty it knocks the whipped cream off an order of strawberry shortcake on a table fifty feet away.

Well, Horsey's idea in bringing her into Mindy's is to get some kind of line on her eating form, and she is clocked by many experts when she starts putting on the hot meat, and by the time she gets through, even Mindy admits she has plenty of class, and the upshot of it all is Miss Violette Shumberger is chosen to eat against Joel Duffle.

Maybe you hear something of this great eating contest that comes off in New York one night in the early summer of 1937. Of course eating contests are by no means anything new, and in fact they are quite an old–fashioned pastime in some sections of this country, such as the South and East, but this is the first big public contest of the kind in years, and it creates no little comment along Broadway.

In fact, there is some mention of it in the blats, and it is not a frivolous proposition in any respect, and more dough is wagered on it than any other eating contest in history, with Joel Duffle a 6 to 5 favorite overMiss Violette Shumberger all the way through.

This Joel Duffle comes to New York several days before the contest with the character by the name of Conway, and requests a meet with Miss Violette Shumberger to agree on the final details and who shows up with Miss Violette Shumberger as her coach and adviser but Nicely–Nicely Jones. He is even thinner than when Horsey and I see him last, but he says he feels great, and that he is within six pounds of his marriage to Miss Hilda Slocum.

We learn that Mr. McBurgle gets greatly interested in the contest, and when he discovers that in spite of his influence, Miss Hilda Slocum declines to permit Nicely–Nicely to personally compete, but puts in Violette, he is quite indignant and insists on her letting Nicely–Nicely school Violette.

Well, this Joel Duffle is a tall character with stooped shoulders, and a sad expression, and he does not look as if he can eat his way out of a tea shop, but as soon as he begins to discuss the details of the contest, anybody can see that he knows what time it is in situations such as this. In fact, Nicely–Nicely says he can tell at once from the way Joel Duffle talks that he is a dangerous opponent.

This Joel Duffle suggests that the contest consist of twelve coursesof strictly American food, each side to be allowed to pick six dishes, doing the picking in rotation, and specifying the weight and quantity of the course selected to any amount the contestant making the pick desires, and each course is to be divided for eating exactly in half, and after Miss Violette Shumberger and Nicely–Nicely whisper together awhile, they say the termsare quite satisfactory.

Then Horsey tosses a coinfor the first pick, and Joel Duffle says heads, and it is heads, and he chooses, as the first course, two quarts of ripe olives, twelve bunches of celery, and four pounds of shelled nuts, all this to be split fifty–fifty between them. Miss Violette Shumberger names twelve dozen cherry–stone clamsas the second course, and Joel Duffle says two gallonsof Philadelphia pepper–pot soup as the third.

Well, Miss Violette Shumberger and Nicely–Nicely whisper together again, and Violette puts in two five–pound striped bass, the heads and tails not to count in the eating, and Joel Duffle names a twenty–two–pound roast turkey. Each vegetable is rated as one course, and Miss Violette Shumberger asks for twelve poundsof mashed potatoes with brown gravy. Joel Duffle says two dozen ears of corn on the cob, and Violette replies with two quarts of lima beans. Joel Duffle calls for twelve bunches of asparagus cooked in butter, and Violette mentions ten pounds of stewed new peas.

This gets them down to the salad, and it is Joel Duffle's play, so he says six pounds of mixed green salad with vinegar and oil dressing, and now Miss Violette Shumberger has the final selection, which is the dessert. She says it is a pumpkin pie, two feet across, and not less than three inches deep.

It is agreed that they must eat with knife, fork or spoon, but speed is not to count, and there is to be no time limit, except they cannot pause more than two consecutive minutes at any stage, except in case of hiccoughs. They can drink anything, and as much as they please, but liquids are not to count in the scoring. The decision is to be strictly on the amount of food consumed, and the judges are to take account of anything left on the plates after a course, but not of loose chewingson bosom or vest up to an ounce. The losing side is to pay for the food, and in case of a tiethey are to eat it off immediately on ham and eggsonly.

Well, the scene of this contest is the second–floor dining room of Mindy's restaurant, which is closed to the general public for the occasion, and only parties immediately concerned in the contest are admitted. The contestants are seated on either side of a big table in the center of the room, and each contestant has three waiters.

No talking and no rootingfrom the spectators is permitted, but of course in any eating contest the principals may speak to each other if they wish, though smart eaters never wish to do this, as talking only wastes energy, and about all they ever say to each other is please pass the mustard.

About fifty characters from Boston and the same number of citizens of New York are admitted, and among them is Mr. McBurgle.

Nicely–Nicely arrives on the scene quite early, and his appearance is really most distressing to his old friends and admirers, but he tells Horsey and me that he thinks Miss Violette Shumberger has a good chance.

"Of course," he says, "she is green. She does not know how to pace herself in competition. But," he says, "she has a wonderful style. She likes the same things I do in the days when I am eating. She is a wonderful character, too. Do you ever notice her smile?" Nicely–Nicely says.

Well, Nicely–Nicely takes a chair about ten feet behind Miss Violette Shumberger, which is as close as the judges will allow him, and he is warned by them that no coaching from the corners will be permitted, but of course Nicely–Nicely knows this rule as well as they do. There are three judges, and they are all from neutral territory.

Well, Mindy is the official starter, and at 8:30 P.M. sharp, he outs with his watch, and says like this:

"Are you ready, Boston? Are you ready, New York?"

Miss Violette Shumberger and Joel Duffle both nod their heads, and Mindy says start, and the contest is on, with Joel Duffle getting the jump at once on the celery and olives and nuts.

It is apparent that this Joel Duffle is one of these rough–and–tumble eaters that you can hear quite a distance off, especially on clams and soups. He is also an eyebrow eater, an eater whose eyebrows go up as high as the part in his hair as he eats, and this type of eater is undoubtedly very efficient.

In fact, the way Joel Duffle goes through the groceries down to the turkey causes among the Broadway spectators some uneasiness and they are whispering to each other that they only wish the old Nicely–Nicely is in there. But personally, I like the way Miss Violette Shumberger eats without undue excitement, and with great zest. She cannot keep close to Joel Duffle in the matter of speed in the early stages of the contest, as she seems to enjoy chewing her food, but I observe that as it goes along she pulls up on him, and I figure this is not because she is stepping up her pace, but because he is slowing down.