Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm [35]in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“And what’s phase one?”

“I’ve quit buying.”

Newly wed wife to her husband:

“That is why I can’t stand you [36]– you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session,

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain —”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up. [37]

The son calls his sister, who goes nuts [38]upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.

“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”

“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”

“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? [39]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out! [40]”

Five minutes later:

“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later…

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”

He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”

“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”

“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”

A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep [41]in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. [42]Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Because he had no-body to go with!”

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer [43]says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says:

“Your blood matches the DNA [44]found at the murder scene. [45]”

“Dammit! [46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”

“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach [47]was a pumpkin.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards [48]signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. [49]Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden [50]expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters [51]will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”

“Finding half a maggot!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets– we’re one short. [52]”

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

“How did you get away?”

“As a last resort, [53]I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.