Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”

“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”

“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”

“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”

“The first cow, of course.”

“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.

“I can write! I can write!”

“What did you write?”

“How can I know? I can’t read.”

A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.

“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.

Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.

“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.

“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”

“Why not?”

“I never put them up [79]in class.”

“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”

“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”

MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?

SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.

“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring? [80]”

“Leave it in the cow.”

LADY (seeing tug-of-war [81]for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?

When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.

“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.

“Three months,” answered the mother.

“My, but you’ve kept her nice! [82]” exclaimed the little girl.

“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”

“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”

“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”

Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?

Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.

Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?

Master: at 3 p. M.

Man: and the next eastbound train?

Master: at 4 p. M.

Man: and the next northbound train?

Master: arrives at 6 p. M.

Man: and the southbound train?

Master: oh, it left two hours ago.

Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.

“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”

“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”

A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:

“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”

A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:

“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”

“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”

“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”

“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”

“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”

“Thank you, Mama.”

“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”

“I think I’d better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.”

“Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?”

“What can I do?”

“You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.”

“Isn’t it wonderful how little chicks get out of their shells?”

“What puzzles me is how they get into them.”

“How is your little brother, Johnny?”

“He is in bed. He hurt himself.”

“That’s too bad. How did he do it?”

“We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.”

“Is your dog clever?”

“Very. When I say to him: come here or don’t come here, just as you please, he comes or he doesn’t come, as he pleases. [83]”

A father took his young daughter to the cinema. He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter sat down in the front row to join some other children. The film was showing a forest fire which frightened the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”

“Oh, no!” she answered. “The smoke got in my eyes.”

“What is the difference between lightning and electricity?”

“Well, you don’t have to pay for lightning.”

“So, Joe was the life of the party? [84]”

“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”

“That letter is too heavy,” said the clerk in the post office, after weighing the letter.

“You’ll have to put another stamp on it.”

“What’s the good of that?” said the boy. “If I put another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.”

“It was so cold where we were,” said the Arctic explorer, “that the candle froze and we couldn’t blow it out.”

“That’s nothing,” said another man. “Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we fried them to see what we were talking about.”

“Is it bad luck when a black cat follows you?”

“That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.”

An American and a Scotchman were walking near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place. When the echo was clearly heard after almost two minutes, the proud Scotchman, turning to the American, exclaimed, “You cannot show anything like that in your country!”

“Why,” said the American, “in my camp in the Rockies, [85]when I go to bed, I just call out, ‘Time to get up; wake up’, and eight hours afterwards the echo comes back and wakes me up.”

Robert smiled when the teacher read the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.

“Do you doubt that a trained swimmer could do that?” asked the teacher.

“No, sir,” answered Robert, “but I wonder why he didn’t make it four times and swim back to the side where his clothes were.”

“Tom, your hands are very dirty. What would you say if I came to school with dirty hands?”

“I should be too polite, sir, to mention it.”

“I can’t think why they make so much noise about Miss Smith’s voice. Miss Jones has a much richer voice.”

“Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.”

“Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?”

“Yes. When Mother used to pull my hair, I wished that I didn’t have any.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? [86]”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.

After a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up. [87]Where’s the boat?”

“I’m really worried about my wife. She drives like lightning.”

“Do you mean that she drives too fast?”

“No, but she always strikes trees.”

“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

“Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache,” said Nelly, a little girl of six.

“That’s because you’ve been without lunch. Your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you had something in it.”

In the afternoon the minister came to see Nelly’s mother. While they talked, the minister remarked that he had been suffering all day with an awful headache.

“That’s because it’s empty,” said Nelly. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”