Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife. “My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”

“What I love most about you,” responded the man’s wife, “is your enormous sense of humour.”

“What has 24 feet, green eyes and a black body?”

“I don’t know – what?”

“I don’t know, either, but you’d better pick it off [88]your neck.”

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, [89]you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, [90]you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!”

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five pound bill to a bum.”

“You gave a bum five whole pounds? [91]That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”

“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”

A woman was leaving a cafе` after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her. [92]”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line. [93]”

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, [94]you didn’t have to keep yours.

Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the way.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot [95]on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. [96]I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I always win.”

“I did that for you,” responds the magician. “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,” he replied.

The magician smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”

Now the golfer looks at him and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

Floored [97]the magician stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track. [98]”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook [99]made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don’t know much about history.”

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking [100]…”

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous ballplayers are up here.”

“How can I lose?” answered Satan. “All the umpires are down there.”

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.

Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.

When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black.

Satan says, “How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!”

Then God says, “No, Jesus saves. [101]”

Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?

Little Johnny: One pound.

Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father.

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. “I’ve made up my mind,” she declared firmly, “we’ll call her Penelope.” The husband didn’t like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it. [102]

“That’s a lovely name, dear,” he said. “The first girl I ever went out with [103]was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.”

“I think we’ll call her Mary, after [104]my mother,” said the wife.

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers’ attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. [105]For the positive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, “It’s too cold out to ride a bike, I don’t even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!”

Just then the positive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, “There’s gotta be a horse around here somewhere!”

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. [106]St. Peter said, “Who are you?” and Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.”

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, “Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ You’ve earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he’s driving down the main expressway [107]in heaven with the harp playing full blast [108]when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn [109]right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back [110]to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up [111]to St. Peter.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marchin’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

St. Peter, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!”