Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

In a huff (в гневе; huff — вспышка гнева) , the woman slammed her fare into the fare box (женщина швырнула деньги в ящик для оплаты проезда; fare — плата за проезд; to slam — хлопнуть /дверью/; швырнуть /со стуком/) and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus (и заняла сиденье около прохода в задней части автобуса; aisle [aɪl]) .

The man seated next to her (человек, сидящий рядом с ней) sensed that she was agitated (почувствовал, что она взволнована) and asked her what was wrong (и спросил ее, что случилось) .

"The bus driver insulted me (водитель автобуса оскорбил меня) ," she fumed (сказала, кипя от злости; fume — дым или пар /с сильным запахом/; to fume — дымить, окуривать) .

The man sympathized (посочувствовал) and said, "Why, he's a public servant (да, ведь он «общественный служащий») and shouldn't say things to insult passengers (и не должен говорить оскорбительные для пассажиров вещи; "вещи, чтобы оскорблять пассажиров") ."

"You're right (вы правы) ," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind (думаю, я вернусь туда и скажу ему все, что я думаю: "дам ему кусок моего разумения") ."

"That's a good idea (хорошая идея) ," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey (давайте, я подержу вашу обезьянку) ."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

What's wrong?

You are right.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool (спасатель сказал матери, чтобы она заставила своего сына перестать писать в бассейн; to urinate [ˈjuǝrɪneɪt]) .

"Everyone knows (все знают) ," the mother lectured him (стала его поучать, отчитывать) , "that from time to time (что время от времени) , young children urinate in a pool."

"Oh really? (неужели) " said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!? (с трамплина: "с ныряльной доски"; to dive — прыгать в воду, нырять) "

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

Oh really?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy (местный шериф искал заместителя) , so Homer (и Гомер) - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket (который не был самым острым гвоздем в ведре = звезд с неба не хватал) - went in to try out for the job (пришел попробоваться на этот пост) .

"Okay," the sheriff drawled (шериф протянул) , "Homer, what is 1 and 1? (сколько будет 1 и 1) "

"11," he replied (он ответил) .

The sheriff thought to himself (подумал про себя) , "That's not what I meant, but he's right (это не то, что я имел в виду, но он прав /to mean-meant-meant/) ."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? (какие два дня недели начинаются с буквы "Т" /имеются в виду Tuesday — вторник и Thursday — четверг/) "

"Today and tomorrow (сегодня и завтра) ."

He was again surprised (он был опять удивлен) that Homer supplied a correct answer (дал: «предоставил» правильный ответ) that he had never thought of himself (до которого он сам никогда не додумывался) .

"Now Homer, listen carefully (слушай внимательно) : Who killed (кто убил) Abraham Lincoln?"

Homer looked a little surprised himself (посмотрел несколько удивленно "сам" = в свою очередь) , then thought really hard (затем действительно серьезно подумал) for a minute (с минуту) and finally admitted (и, наконец, признался) , "I don't know (я не знаю) ."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? (ну, почему бы тебе не пойти домой и не поработать над этим пока что, какое-то время) "

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall (вышел в холл бюро) where his pals (где его приятели) were waiting to hear the results of the interview (ждали, "чтобы услышать" результаты собеседования ). Homer was exultant (ликующий; exultant [ɪɡˈzʌlt(ǝ)nt]) .

"It went great! (прошло замечательно) First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! (в первый день работы я уже работаю над делом об убийстве) "

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer — who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket — went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Homer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11," he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

That's not what I meant.

It went great!

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife (заключенный в тюрьме получил письмо от своей жены) :

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden (я решила посадить салат в огороде; lettuce [ˈletɪs]) . When is the best time to plant them? (когда лучшее время сажать его) "

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards (зная, что тюремные охранники) read all the mail (читают всю почту) , replied in a letter (ответил в письме) :

"Dear Wife (милая жена) , whatever you do (что бы ты ни делала) , DO NOT touch the back garden! (не трогай огород) That is where I hid all the gold (там я спрятал все золото /to hide-hid-hidden/) ."

A week or so later (неделю или около того спустя) , he received another (другое) letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened (ты не поверишь, что случилось) . Some men came with shovels (несколько мужчин пришли с лопатами) to the house (к дому) , and dug up the whole back garden (и перекопали весь огород /to dig-dug-dug/) ."

The prisoner wrote (написал /to write-wrote-written/) another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce! (сейчас — лучшее время сажать салат) "

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

You wouldn't believe what happened!

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house (полицейская машина останавливается напротив дома бабушки Бесси) , and grandpa Morris gets out (и дедушка Моррис выходит) .

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… (вежливый, обходительный полицейский объяснил, что этот пожилой господин сказал, что он потерялся в парке) and couldn't find his way home (и не мог найти дорогу домой) .

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! (ты ходил в этот парк больше 30 лет) So how could you get lost? (как ты мог потеряться) "

Leaning close to grandma (наклоняясь близко к бабушке) , so that the policeman couldn't hear ( так, чтобы полицейский не мог слышать) , Morris whispered (прошептал) ," I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home (я был слишком усталым, чтобы идти домой /пешком/) ."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home."

I was just too tired to walk.

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day (раввин и священник едут однажды /на автомобилях/) and, by a freak accident ("по иронии судьбы", по причудливой случайности) , have a head-on collision with tremendous force ("имеют" лобовое столкновение со страшной силой; tremendous — жуткий, потрясающий) . Both cars are totally demolished (обе машины совершенно разбиты; to demolish — разрушать) , but amazingly (но удивительно) , neither of the clerics has a scratch on him (ни у кого из священнослужителей нет даже царапины) .