Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

"Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding — выдающийся) ," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации — это "сделало" огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [saɪkǝˈlɔdʒɪkǝl] techniques [tekˈni:ks]) ."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника) "

Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank — озадаченный, смущенный) . He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить) .

Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась /to break — здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами) "

"You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу) "

"Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно») "

He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) "Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника) "

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visulization, association — it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife… "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

It made a huge difference for me.

That's great!

Yes, that's it!

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says (маленький мальчик на свадьбе смотрит на свою маму и говорит) , "Mommy, why does the girl wear white? (мама, почему на девушке белое; to wear — носить) "

His mom replies, "The bride (невеста) is in white because she's happy (потому что она счастлива) and this is the happiest day of her life (и это самый счастливый день в ее жизни) ."

The boy thinks about this (размышляет над этим) , and then (затем) says, "Well then (ну, а тогда) , why is the boy wearing black? (почему на молодом человеке черное) "

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

This is the happiest day of my life.

The newly wed wife (молодая жена: newly — недавно, только что; to wed — отдавать замуж; вступать в брак) said to her husband (сказала своему мужу) when he returned from work (когда он вернулся с работы) , "I have great news for you (у меня для тебя потрясающая новость) . Pretty soon (совсем скоро) , we're going to be three in this house instead of two (нас будет трое в этом доме вместо двоих) ."

Her husband ran to her (подбежал к ней /to run-ran-run/) with a smile on his face (с улыбкой на лице) and delight in his eyes (и восторгом в глазах) .

He was glowing of happiness (он светился от счастья) and kissing his wife when she said (и целовал жену, когда она сказала) , "I'm glad that you feel this way (я рада, что ты так это воспринял) since tomorrow morning (так как завтра утром) my mother moves in with us ( моя мать переезжает к нам) ."

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

I have great news for you.

I'm glad that you feel this way.

A police officer in a small town (офицер полиции в маленьком городке) stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street (остановил автомобилиста, который слишком быстро ехал по главной улице) .

"But, officer," the man began (начал /to begin-began-begun/) , "I can explain… (я могу объяснить) "

"Just be quiet ("тихо") ," snapped the officer (оборвал; to snap — щелкать, защелкиваться, хлопать; резко обрывать /кого-то/, обрывать /разговор/) . "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail (я собираюсь дать тебе "остудить твои пятки" в тюрьме, в камере) until the chief gets back (пока не вернется начальник) ."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say… (но, офицер, я как раз хотел сказать) "

"And I said to keep quiet! (а я сказал, помолчи) You're going to jail! (ты отправляешься в тюрьму) "

A few hours later the officer looked in (несколько часов спустя офицер заглянул) on his prisoner (к своему заключенному; prison — тюрьма) and said, "Lucky for you ("удачно для тебя") that the chief's at his daughter's wedding (что начальник на свадьбе своей дочери) . He'll be in a good mood when he gets back (он будет в хорошем настроении, когда вернется) ."

"Don't count on it (не рассчитывай на это) ," answered the fellow in the cell (ответил парень в камере) . "I'm the groom (я жених) ."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain…"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Keep (be) quiet!

I just wanted to say…

Don't count on it.

There is an envelope (конверт; envelope [ˈǝnvɪlǝup]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind — ветер + shield — щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на "музыкальный концерт") . The note reads (записка гласит) , "I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за "взятие" = за то, что взял вашу машину) , but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot-wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot — горячий; wire — проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь) . Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [ɪnkǝnˈvɪnɪens]) . Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса) , the country-and-western music star (звезду стиля кантри-и-вестерн) ."

Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась) , the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно) . They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен) . Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house ("из всего дома") , from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака) . And, there is a note on the door reading ( гласящая) , "Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по-прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина) . I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как-нибудь, каким-либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку) "

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

I apologize for taking your car.

Please forgive the inconvenience.

A dietician (диетолог; dietician [dɪǝˈtɪʃn]) was once addressing a large audience in Chicago (однажды обращался к многочисленной аудитории в Чикаго) . "The material we put into our stomachs (веществ, которые мы пихаем в наши желудки; stomach [ˈstʌmǝk]) is enough to have killed most of us sitting here (достаточно, чтобы уже убить большинство из нас, сидящих здесь) , years ago (годы назад) . Red meat is awful (мясо с кровью ужасно) . Vegetables can be disastrous (овощи могут быть губительными; disastrous [dɪˈza:strǝs]; disaster — бедствие) , and none of us realizes (и никто из нас не отдает себе отчета) the germs in our drinking water (о бактериях в нашей питьевой воде) . But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it (но есть одна вещь, самая опасная из всех и мы все это едим) . Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? (может кто-нибудь здесь сказать мне, о каком смертоносном продукте я говорю) You, sir, in the first row (вы, сэр, в первом ряду) please give us your idea (пожалуйста, "дайте" нам вашу идею = как вы полагаете) ."