Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

After they crawl out of their cars (после того, как они выползают из своих машин) , the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says (раввин видит воротничок священника и говорит) , "So you're a priest (так вы священник) . I'm a rabbi (я раввин) .

Just look at our cars (посмотрите на наши машины) .

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt (/от них/ ничего не осталось, а мы здесь, невредимы; to hurt — причинить боль, ранить) .

This must be a sign from God! (это должен быть = это, должно быть, знак Божий) "

Pointing to the sky, he continues (показывая на небо, он продолжает) , "God must have meant that we should meet (Бог, должно быть, подразумевал, что мы встретимся) and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth (и разделим = проведем "наши жизни" в мире и дружбе до конца наших дней на Земле) ."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely (я согласен с вами полностью) .

This must surely (конечно) be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims (смотрит на свою машину и восклицает) , "And look at this! (а посмотрите на это)

Here's another miracle! (вот другое = еще одно чудо)

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break (моя машина совершенно разбита, но эта бутылка вина не разбилась) .

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune (конечно, Господь хочет, чтобы мы выпили это вино и отметили нашу благую судьбу; to celebrate — праздновать) ."

The priest nods in agreement (кивает в знак согласия) .

The rabbi hands (дает, передает) the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle (пьет полбутылки) and hands the bottle back (обратно) to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes (берет) the bottle and immediately puts the cap on (тут же надевает крышку) , then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled (сбитый с толку) , asks (спрашивает) , "Aren't you having any, rabbi? (а разве вы не будете немного, рабби) "

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police (нет, я думаю, я подожду полицию) ."

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police."

I agree with you completely.

Aren't you having any?

Juggler (жонглер) , driving to his next performance (ехавший на свое очередное выступление) , was stopped by the police (был остановлен полицией) . "What are those knives doing in your car? (что эти ножи делают в вашей машине) " asked the officer (спросил офицер) .

"I juggle them in my act (я жонглирую ими в моем номере) ."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop (говорит полицейский) . "Let's see you do it (посмотрим = покажи, как ты это делаешь) ."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives (и жонглер начинает подбрасывать ножи и жонглировать ими) .

A guy driving by (человек, проезжающий мимо) sees this (видит это) and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking (я рад, что я бросил пить) . Look at the test they're making you do now! (посмотри на тест, который они заставляют тебя пройти теперь) "

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here (здесь говорится) that you should be wearing glasses (что вы должны носить очки) ."

The woman answered (женщина ответила) , "Well, I have contacts (ну, у меня контакты = контактные линзы) ."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! (мне все равно, кого вы знаете, с кем вы знакомы) You're getting a ticket! (вы получаете штрафной талон) "

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Well, I have contacts.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older (три дамы обсуждали трудности старения = связанные со старением; travail — тяжелый труд; усилие, напряжение [ˈtræveɪl]) . One said (одна сказала) , "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand (иногда я обнаруживаю: «ловлю» себя с банкой майонеза в руке) , while standing in front of the refrigerator (стоящей напротив холодильника) , and I can't remember whether I need to put it away (и я не могу вспомнить, должна ли я убрать его) , or start making a sandwich (или начать делать сандвич) ."

The second (вторая) lady chimed in with (вступила /в разговор/; chime — перезвон колоколов; to chime — выбивать /мелодию/, отбивать /часы/, звучать согласно) , "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs (да, иногда я нахожу себя на лестничной площадке) and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down (и не могу вспомнить была ли я "на пути" наверх или "на пути" вниз) ."

The third one responded (третья ответила) , "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem (ну, леди, я рада, что у меня нет этой проблемы) . Knock on wood (постучу, /надо/ постучать по дереву) ," as she rapped her knuckles on the table (тут она постучала костяшками пальцев по столу) , and then said, "That must be the door (это должно быть дверь) , I'll get it! (я открою) "

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

I'll get it!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway (когда пожилой гражданин ехал по автостраде) , his car phone rang (его телефон зазвонил /to ring-rang-rung/) . Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him (взяв трубку: «отвечая», он услышал голос его жены, настоятельно предупреждающей его) , "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 (Герман, я сейчас слышала в новостях, что "есть" машина, едущая по встречной полосе на шоссе 280) . Please be careful! (пожалуйста, будь осторожен) "

"Heck (черт) ," said Herman, "It's not just one car (это не одна машина) . It's hundreds of them! (их сотни) "

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Please be careful!

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things (одна восьмидесятитилетняя пара "имела проблемы" = испытывала затруднения с запоминанием "вещей") , so they decided to go to their doctor (и они решили пойти к их врачу) to get checked out ("стать проверенными" = чтобы их проверили) to make sure nothing was wrong with them (чтобы убедиться, что у них все в порядке; nothing — ничто, ничего; wrong — неправильно) . When they arrived at the doctor's (когда они пришли к доктору; to arrive — прибывать) , they explained (они объяснили) to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory (о проблемах, которые они переживали со своей памятью) .