Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief — вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло) . The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем /to speak-spoke-spoken/) , "Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю) "

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам) ."

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!

A woman was thinking (женщина подумывала) about finding a pet (о том, чтобы найти питомца, домашнее животное) to keep her company at home (составить ей компанию дома) . She decided (она решила) she would like (что она предпочтет) to find a beautiful parrot (найти красивого попугая) ; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog (это не было бы так много работы, как, скажем, с собакой) , and it would be fun to hear it speak (и будет забавно слушать, как он говорит) . She went to a pet shop (она пришла в зоомагазин) and immediately spotted (и тут же заметила) a large beautiful parrot (большого чудесного попугая) . She went to the owner of the store (она подошла к владельцу магазина) and asked how much (и спросила, сколько /он стоит/) . The owner said it was 50 bucks (владелец сказал: 50 баксов) . Delighted (довольная) that such a rare looking (что такого редкого вида) and beautiful bird (и красивая птичка) wasn't more expensive (не была дороже) , she agreed to buy it (она согласилась его купить) .

The owner looked at her (посмотрел на нее) and said, "Listen, I should tell you first (послушайте, я должен вам сказать сначала = предупредить вас) that this bird used to live in a whorehouse (что эта птичка жила: «имела обыкновение жить» в борделе; whore — проститутка) . Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff (иногда она говорит довольно пошлые вещи; stuff — материал) ."

The woman thought about this (подумала об этом /to think-thought-thought/) , but decided she had to have the bird (но решила, что она должна иметь эту птичку) . She said she would buy it anyway (она сказала, что она в любом случае, все равно ее купит) . The pet-shop owner sold (продал /to sell-sold-sold/) her the bird and she took it home (принесла ее домой /to take-took-taken — взять/) . She hung the bird's cage up (она повесила птичью клетку) in her living room (в гостиной) and waited for it to say something (и стала ждать, чтобы он /попугай/ сказал что-нибудь) .

The bird looked around the room (птица оглядела комнату) , then at her (потом /посмотрела/ на нее) , and said, "New house, new madam (новый дом, новая мадам) ."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication (женщина была несколько шокирована смыслом, подтекстом /этих слов/; to implicate — вовлекать, впутывать; заключать в себе, подразумевать) , but then thought, "That's not so bad (это не так плохо = ничего страшного) ."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя) , the woman's two teenage daughters (две дочери-тинейджеры /т.е. не достигшие еще 20 лет/) returned from school (вернулись из школы) . When they inspected the bird (когда они рассматривали птицу) , it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки) ."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first (были немного оскорблены сначала) , but then began to laugh about the situation (но потом начали смеяться над этой ситуацией /to begin-began-begun/) .

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work (муж женщины пришел с работы) . The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки, те же старые лица. Привет, Джордж) "

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

That's not so bad.

Same old faces.

Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) "I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу) , if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) - and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle — перебранка, стычка) . I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому») . I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту) , fishing (рыбалку) , boozing (на попойки; booze — спиртной напиток; to booze — пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу) . Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания) "

His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала) , "No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной») . Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) - whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет) ."

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night — whether you're here or not."

Don't you give me a hard time about it!

Any comments?

No, that's fine with me.

Pretty girl (миленькая девушка) : "May I try on (я могу примерить) that two-piece suit (тот /купальный/ костюм /двойку/; piece — кусок, часть, штука) in the window? (в витрине: «в окне») "

Store manager (менеджер магазина) : "Go right ahead (да, конечно, давайте: «идите прямо вперед») . It might help business (это может помочь бизнесу) ."