Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно) , don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам /сами/ позвоним) ."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, "What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было) "

The president exclaims (восклицает) , "YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек = вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите) "

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed — выдавать замуж; вступать в брак) . The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене) , "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить) . It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest — остаток, остальная часть) . Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться) , and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away — убрать) .

But… I must know, did he have a different father? (но… я должен знать, у него другой отец; different — отличный, отличающийся) "

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову) , unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able — умелый; способный) , she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did ( Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/) ."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake — трясти) , the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал) . With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом) "

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову) , saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster — сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster — собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу) . Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?… Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".

Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

** LOST DOG (пропала собака: «пропавшая собака») **

3 legs (три лапы) ,

Blind in left eye (слепа на левый глаз) ,

Missing right ear (не хватает правого уха) ,

Tail broken (сломан хвост /to break-broke-broken/) ,

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована) ,

Answers to the name of (откликается на кличку)

"LUCKY (Счастливчик) "

** LOST DOG **

3 legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken,

Recently castrated,

Answers to the name of

"LUCKY"

Little girl asked her Mom (маленькая девочка спросила маму) , "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (мама, могу я повести собаку гулять: «взять на прогулку») around the block? (по кварталу: «вокруг квартала») "

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat (нет, потому что у собаки течка: heat - жар; жара) ."

"What's that mean? (что это значит) " asked the child (спросило дитя) .

"Go ask your Father (пойди спроси у отца). I think he's in the garage (думаю, он в гараже) ."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie (могу я взять Сюзи) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom (я спросила маму) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you (и чтобы я спросила тебя) ."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here (давай: «приведи» сюда Сюзи) ." He took a rag (он взял тряпку /to take-took-taken/) , soaked it with gasoline (намочил ее в бензине) , and scrubbed the dog's butt with it (и потер ею cобачий зад) and said, "Ok, you can go now (теперь можешь идти) , but keep Susie on the leash (но держи Сюзи на поводке) and only go one time (и обойди только один раз) around the block."

Little girl left (ушла /to leave-left-left — оставить, покинуть/) and returned a few minutes later (вернулась через несколько минут) with no dog on the leash (без собаки на поводке) .

Dad said, "Where's (где) Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas (у Сюзи кончился бензин; run out off… — истощить свой запас /чего-либо/) about halfway (примерно на полпути) down the block (вниз по кварталу) and there's another dog pushing her home (и там другая собака буксирует: «толкает» ее домой) ."

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

What's that mean?

Bring Susie over here!

My car ran out of gas.

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы) , filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами) , a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться») . They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка /to feel-felt-felt/) . When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику») , the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor — пол, настил; места для членов /законодательного/ собрания) .

"What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой) "

Immediately (немедленно) , the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное = вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать) . On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же) , the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака) . After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти — десяти — пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги) , the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней) , picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи) , kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion — страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут) , and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно /to sit-sat-sat/) . Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech — речь) .