Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"

Store manager: "Go right ahead. It might help business."

May I try on that suit?

Go right ahead.

It might help business.

This old gal («старушка»: gal — девчонка) was trying on (примеряла; to try — пробовать; стараться) one of those blouses with a plunging neckline (одну из тех блузок, /что/ с глубоким вырезом; to plunge — нырять) and after looking herself over in the mirror (после того, как оглядела себя в зеркале) , asked a saleslady (спросила продавщицу) if she thought it was too low-cut (не думает ли она, что вырез слишком глубок: «что это слишком глубоко вырезано» /to think-thought-thought/) .

"Do you have hair on your chest? (у вас есть волосы на груди) " the saleslady asked.

"No!" she squealed (взвизгнула) .

"Well then (ну, тогда) ," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut (он слишком глубок) ."

This old gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady if she thought it was too low-cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.

"No!" she squealed.

"Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."

It's too low-cut.

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening (человек сопровождал друга домой на ужин однажды вечером) and noticed (заметил) that as soon as they entered the door (что, как только они вошли в дверь) , his friend kissed his wife (поцеловал свою жену) and told her how pretty she looked (и сказал ей, как чудно она выглядит /to tell-told-told/) . After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food (он похвалил жену за еду) and kissed her again (снова) .

"Do you always do that? (ты всегда так делаешь) " asked the visitor (спросил гость) when they were alone (когда они были одни) .

"You bet I do (конечно, да; to bet — держать пари; биться об заклад) ," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one (это помогает сохранить наш брак счастливым) ."

The visitor was greatly impressed (сильно впечатлен) and decided (решил) to use the same procedure with his own wife (использовать то же действие с его собственной женой; procedure — образ действия; процедура /напр. парламентская/ [prǝˈsi:dʒǝ]) . That night (в тот вечер) he swept her into his arms (он сгреб ее в объятия: «в руки» /to sweep-swept-swept — мести/) when he got home (когда он пришел домой /to get-got-got — получать; прибыть, добраться/) and kissed her warmly (нежно; warm — теплый) . "Sweetheart (милая: sweet — сладкий + heart — сердце) ," he said, "you look wonderful tonight (ты выглядишь чудесно сегодня /вечером/) , and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife (я счастлив, имея такую прелестную жену) ."

His wife looked at him in amazement (с удивлением) , then burst into tears (затем залилась слезами /to burst-burst-burst — лопнуть; разразиться/) .

"For Pete's sake (ради /святого/ Петра) ," exclaimed (воскликнул) the astonished (изумленный) man, "what's the matter? (в чем дело, что случилось) "

"What a day this has been! (что за день это был) " his wife answered. "First Johnny (сначала Джонни) sprained his ankle (растянул лодыжку) , then the washing machine (затем стиральная машина) broke down (сломалась /to break-broke-broken/) and flooded the basement (затопила подвал; basement — фундамент, цоколь; подвал) , and now you come home drunk! (а теперь /и/ ты /еще/ приходишь домой пьяный) "

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how pretty she looked. After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food and kissed her again.

"Do you always do that?" asked the visitor when they were alone.

"You bet I do," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."

The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and kissed her warmly. "Sweetheart," he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife."

His wife looked at him in amazement, then burst into tears.

"For Pete's sake," exclaimed the astonished man, "what's the matter?"

"What a day this has been!" his wife answered. "First Johnny sprained his ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now you come home drunk!"

You bet!

It helps keep our marriage a happy one.

Sweetheart, you look wonderful tonight!

For Pete’s sake (for God’s; Heaven’s)!

What a day this has been!

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world (два священника обсуждали недостаток морали в современном мире) .

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married (я не спал со своей женой до того, как мы поженились) ," said one clergyman self-righteously (сказал один священник самодовольно: «с чувством собственной правоты») . "Did you? (а вы) "

"I don't know (я не знаю) ," said the other. "What was her maiden name? (какая была ее девичья фамилия) "

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

What was her maiden name?

Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything (дядюшка Пит никогда не просил Господа о чем-либо) , but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… (но однажды он услышал об этой Орегонской лотерее /to hear-heard-heard/) He began to think about it (он начал думать об этом /to begin-began-begun/) , and think about it… (и думать об этом) . Then a couple of days later (потом, пару дней спустя) , he asked the Lord (он попросил Бога: «Господа») ,

"You know Lord (ты знаешь, Господи) , I never asked you for anything (я никогда тебя ни о чем не просил) , I've been going to church every Sunday (я ходил в церковь каждое воскресенье) , praising you and thanking you for what I have (восхваляя тебя и благодаря тебя за то, что имею) , and I sure would like to win that lottery! (и я, конечно, хотел бы выиграть в эту лотерею) "

Well, a couple of years went by (пара лет прошла) and Uncle Pete still wanted to (все еще хотел) , and didn't win (и не выиграл) that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field (однажды, во время распашки поля, когда распахивал поле) he starts thinking about not winning the lottery (он начинает думать о том, что он не выиграл в лотерею, как он все никак не может выиграть в лотерею) , and get frustrated (/начинает/ расстраиваться, отчаиваться) , so he decides (и решает поэтому) to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery (спросить Бога, почему Он не поможет ему выиграть в лотерею) .

He yelled up at the sky (он прокричал в небо) , "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' (= anything) but ta' (= to — но только) win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help (и Ты «никогда» = вовсе, ни разу не помог) , well WHY? (ну почему) "

Then the clouds above (облака над /ним/) began to part (начали раздвигаться) and in a booming voice (и громовым голосом; to boom — греметь) he heard the Lord say (он услышал, /как/ Бог говорит),

"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this (Пит, мне понадобится кое-какая помощь в этом; gonna = going to) , you have to buy a ticket first (ты должен купить билет для начала) ."

Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… He began to think about it, and think about it… Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord,

"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to church every Sunday, praising you and thanking you for what I have, and I sure would like to win that lottery!"

Well, a couple of years went by and Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery.

He yelled up at the sky, "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, well WHY?"

Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard the Lord say,

"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, you have to buy a ticket first."

I'm gonna need some help on this.

Two fishermen are out on the lake (два рыбака посреди озера) in a boat they had rented at the dock (в лодке, которую они взяли напрокат у пристани) .

After an hour or so (через час или около того) , they drift over a deep hole (они проплывают над глубокой ямой, впадиной) and start catching fish (и начинают ловить рыбу) faster than they ever had before in their lives (быстрее, чем когда-либо прежде в их жизни) . This goes on for a while (это продолжается какое-то время) until one of them (пока один из них) pulls a large piece of chalk (/не/ вытаскивает большой кусок мела) out of his tackle box (из своего ящика со снаряжением) and draws a large "X" (и рисует большую букву «X») in the bottom of the boat (на дне лодки) .