Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?"

Milly retorted, "He didn't say a word about you!"

What has made your day?

The musician finally finished a new song (музыкант наконец закончил новую песню) , but no one buys it (но никто не покупает ее) . He was telling another musician about it (он рассказывал другому музыканту об этом) , and the other guy said, "Let me hear it (дай мне ее послушать = сыграй-ка) ".

The first guy went to the piano (подошел к фортепиано) and played a wonderful tune (и сыграл чудесную мелодию) . When he finished (когда он закончил) , the second (второй) guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see (я не понимаю: «не вижу») why no one buys it (почему ее никто не покупает) . What do you call it? (как ты ее называешь = назвал) "

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit (я люблю тебя так чертовски сильно: «много», что могу: «мне нужно, хочется» обкакаться; gotta = got to) ."

The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, "Let me hear it".

The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit."

Let me hear it.

I don't see why no one will buy it.

I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.

A crusty (угрюмый; crust — корка /хлеба/) old man (старик) walks into a bank (приходит в банк) and says to the teller at the window (кассирше в окошке) , "I want to open (я хочу открыть) a damn checking account (чертов /чековый/ счет) ."

The astonished (удивленная) woman replies, "I beg your pardon (прошу прощения) , sir. I must have misunderstood you (должно быть, я вас не поняла: «неверно поняла») . What did you say? (что вы сказали) "

"Listen up, damn it (послушай, черт побери: «проклятье»; to damn it — проклясть это) . I said I want to open a damn checking account now! (сейчас = сейчас же) "

"I'm very sorry (очень извиняюсь) sir, but that kind of language (но подобный язык: «такая разновидность языка») is not tolerated in this bank (недопустим: «не терпится» в этом банке) ."

The teller leaves (кассир покидает) the window and goes over (проходит) to the bank manager to inform him of her situation (объяснить ему свою ситуацию) . The manager agrees (соглашается) that the teller does not have to listen to foul language (не должна слушать непристойный язык; foul — грязный; непристойный) .

They both return to the window (они оба возвращаются к окошку) and the manager asks the old geezer (менеджер спрашивает старого чудика) , "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? (что за проблема здесь: «что кажется быть проблемой здесь») "

"There is no damn problem (да никакой чертовой проблемы) ," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks (просто я выиграл 50 миллионов баксов /to win-won-won/) in the damn lottery (в чертову лотерею) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank (и я хочу открыть чертов счет в этом проклятом банке) , okay?"

"I see (понимаю: «вижу») ," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time? (и эта сука вас достает: «дает вам трудное время») "

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

I’m very sorry.

Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Two retired banking colleagues (двое вышедших на пенсию банковских коллег) , Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch (наслаждались несколькими бокалами мартини во время обеда) when John suddenly mused (когда Джон вдруг задумался) , "You know, when I was thirty (знаешь, когда мне было тридцать) , my erection was so hard (жесткой, твердой, крепкой) that I could grip it with both hands (что я мог захватить, сжать обеими руками) and not be able to bend it (и не был в состоянии нагнуть) ."

Harry nodded in understanding (Гарри кивнул с пониманием) .

John continued (продолжал) , "When I was forty (когда мне было сорок) , I could bend it ten degrees (мог отогнуть на десять градусов) with the greatest of effort (с сильнейшим напряжением) . At fifty (в пятьдесят) , I could bend it maybe twenty degrees (может быть, на двадцать градусов) . And now that I'm past sixty (когда мне больше шестидесяти) , I can bend it in half with one hand (наполовину, одной рукой) ."

John paused to take a sip of his drink (умолк, чтобы отхлебнуть выпивки) , and then (затем) said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get (Гарри, интересно, насколько сильнее я /еще/ стану ).

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."

I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get.

Some small-time crooks (несколько мелких плутов; crook — крюк; обманщик, плут) decided (решили) that people were so stupid (что люди так глупы) that they would accept 18 dollar bills (что они бы приняли 18-ти долларовые купюры) if somebody gave then any (если бы кто-нибудь им дал их /to give-gave-given/) . So they carefully made some plates (они аккуратно сделали несколько клише) and printed some up (и напечатали несколько) , and went to a small town to try them out (и поехали в маленький городок испробовать их) . They got up to a shopkeeper (они подошли к владельцу магазина) and talked for a while (и поговорили немного) , then casually said (потом небрежно, вскользь сказали) , "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (скажи, ты можешь мне разменять 18-ти долларовый чек) "

"Sure (конечно) ," said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина) . "What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел») , three 6's or two 9's? (три /купюры/ по шесть или две по девять) "

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

There was a position open (было свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме) . They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили /число/ претендентов до трех») . The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно) . He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата) .

"I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос) ," says the president (сказал президент) , "What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два) "

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) "Four (четыре) ."

"Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся = мы с вами свяжемся) ," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит) , same question (тот же вопрос) "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом) , thinks a little bit and says "Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять») ."