Maxim Titovets - The Rubicon. A play in two acts

Polina.Alright, Oleg Sergeevich.

Sea Lion.You need money, don’t you? And yet you’re pussy-footing around it, not bringing the subject up.

Polina.I do. You promised to pay me.

Pause.

Sea Lion.We agreed on twenty five grand a month.

Polina.It was thirty grand.

Sea Lion.No. Twenty five. It’s written down right here. I always pay twenty five thousand to the help. You’ve been working here for two months.

Polina.Two months and seven days.

Sea Lion.Exactly 2 months. You don’t get paid for the probation week.

Polina.Alright.

Sea Lion.Fifty grand in total… Minus eight Sundays off. Meaning out with seven grand.

Last month, the road was blocked for three days. We had no guests, so you didn’t have any work. Minus two and a half.

Polina.But I cleaned and scrubbed the whole hotel and brought a ton of wood…

Sea Lion.And who made lunch for you back then – Pushkin?

Polina.I had even strained my back and spent two days in bed with a fever afterwards.

Sea Lion.Here we are, minus one and a half. Thirty nine grand in total.

Polina. [Remaining silent.]

Sea Lion.Two weeks ago you dropped an entire tray of food for one of our guests. That’s minus four grand. Thirty five in total.

Polina. But…

Sea Lion.And by the way, the crockery costs much more than that. But that’s okay, not a big deal. Later on, a bunch of drunken fellows took French leave without paying the bill. That’s another ten grand. You should have watched out for them! And yesterday eight grand went missing from the cash register.

Polina.I didn’t take it.

Sea Lion.No one else could do that! Or are you telling me that I did?

Polina.I’m not.

Sea Lion.That’s a good girl. Thirty five minus ten and minus eight. It’s seventeen grand then.

Polina.I only borrowed money once… Three thousand from your wife. She can confirm that. But I have never taken any money from the cash register…

Sea Lion.Oh yes? You borrowed three thousand from Nadya? I didn’t know about that! Seventeen minus three is… humph…

Here is your money, Polina. Sign here.

Polina takes the money, signs her name, and leaves.

Sea Lion.Piece of cake. Only the strongest survive.

Polina comes back

Polina.That last time, you said I’d earn more. I really need money. What should I do?

Scene 4

The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

Makar.What was it like before?

Stvolov.What?

Makar.That’s just the point! And now what?

Stvolov.What?

Makar.Gee, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!

Stvolov.Fill it up.

Makar.And as for mobile service, we’ve never had it here. Dense forests!

Polina.That’s a hell of a storm outside.

Makar.The road is washed out now. You won’t be able to get out of here tomorrow, Stvolov.

Stvolov.I’m virtually born under a lucky star. No wonder I didn’t like the ugly face of that driver.

Makar.You know what they say here? Whack thy neighbor, punch him hard, jump on his chest. Then you’ll have the edge over the rest.

Nadya appears from the kitchen and stands behind the bar counter.

Nadya.Where do you mean – here? Look at him. Wasted again.

Makar.By no means…

Nadya. [To Stvolov.] Your room is on the second floor. Polina will escort you. Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel. [Ringing the bell.]

Polina.We serve breakfast at eight. The bar is open round the clock.

Stvolov.No flying from fate. Do you have a phone here?

Nadya.It’s at the entrance.

Stvolov rises from the table and makes his way towards the phone.

Stvolov.It’s not working.

Nadya.They’ve been palming us off with promises to get us a phone line for three years.

Stvolov.The Rubicon.

Makar.Rumor is they had to send to the bottom a whole ton of Viagra to get Titanic up.

Stvolov.Mistress, two more.

Makar.And a bite to eat!

Stvolov.And a bite to eat.

Nadya produces a decanter of vodka. Polina brings it to the table.

Makar.There was this philosopher who stopped by here.

Stvolov.A philosopher?

Makar.Well, something of the sort. He shared an interesting observation with me, in secret. An idea, let’s say.

Stvolov.An idea?

Makar.The law of life!

Stvolov. So?

Makar.What should a man say to his woman in order to maintain harmony in their relationship? [Casting a sidelong look at Nadya.]

Stvolov.I don’t know.

Makar.It’s a simple phrase, just learn it by heart. It goes like this: «I know what it feels like, my darling.»

Stvolov. Hm…

Makar.And what should a woman say to her man? On any occasion.

Stvolov.???

Makar.«Yes, master!»

Polina. [Bursting into laughter.] Oh, I’m sorry.

Makar.Watch and learn, Polina.

Nadya.Dinner will be ready soon. [She goes to the kitchen.]

Makar.I’ve had my fill with them!

Polina.Here, have a bite, Makar Sergeevich. [She serves them some cold snacks, then goes upstairs.]

Makar.What a bit of good!

Polina.Yes, master. [She leaves.]

Stvolov.That’s a hot little number.

Makar.She fell for me.

Stvolov.That’s bullshit. Can you get a night with her?

Makar.Go and ask her yourself.

Stvolov goes upstairs.

Scene 5

The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

Nadya.That’s some turnout today…

Makar.And yet our Rubicon’s said to be an armpit. Just look at how many people stay here!

Nadya.The hotel is full.

Makar.All the three rooms?

Pause.

Nadya.This… drinking companion of yours, Stvolov. Demanding a phone, fancy that! What’s the use of it, one may ask?

Makar.The whole thing is just money-losing.

Nadya.I only want to put Katya on her feet. As soon as she graduates, I’ll never set foot in this kennel again. Never!

There is a loud sound of a bunch of dishes hitting the floor and breaking upstairs.

Nadya.What’s going on there? This nasty girl dropped the tray again. I’ll teach her! [Going upstairs and disappearing.]

Makar approaches the cash register, opens the cash till, grabs several banknotes, then closes the till, and steps away from the bar counter. Polina appears in the stairway. She goes downstairs carrying the tray full of broken glass.

Polina.A client smashed a jug to pieces, it’s a hoot! The Gorgon’s gonna make him dip into his pocket.

Pause.

Makar.Is it hard for you here?

Polina.I’m a robust girl.

Makar.Life goes on. Even if we don’t really live.

Polina.Anyway, it’s better than walking the track.

Makar.Walking the track?

Polina.I’ve heard a lot of stuff from my sister.

Makar.But they have a whole new level of earnings.

Polina.Tell these tales to someone else, Makar Sergeevich. I know myself.

Makar glances back and then pulls Polina towards him. Polina breaks loose and, without taking a swing, slaps Makar across his face .

Makar.Oh, please, dolly girl. It’s gonna end up like this anyway, why playing Madame Butterfly?

Polina.Next time I’ll hit you on the head with this tray. It’ll cost you four grand according to our price list.

Makar.Come on, I was just kidding.

Polina.Just kidding. This ain’t my first rodeo.

Pause.

Makar.Do you want to leave this place for good? Come to Moscow with me.

Polina.Moscow?

Makar.I mean it. Say yes.

Polina.For real?

Makar. [Looking over his shoulder at the kitchen door.] I’ll get my share of the hotel stock from Sea Lion and then we can get going!

Polina.Your share? From Sea Lion?

Makar.Easy peasy.

Polina. Ha!

Makar.I’ve had my fill with him! Just don’t tell anyone.

Polina.My lips are sealed. [She goes to the kitchen.]

Scene 6

The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

Sea Lion’s study.

Sea Lion.To Moscow? For good?

Agap.For good.

Sea Lion.A share of the hotel stock?

Agap. Yep.

Sea Lion.Agap! I’d really like to clean your clock…

Agap. Why?

Sea Lion.You’re saying these unpleasantries with too much relish.

Agap.I’m just…

Sea Lion.What else did they talk about?

Agap.I told you all I’ve got.

Sea Lion.That’s too bad!

Agap.It was too noisy in the kitchen.

Sea Lion.And what about the key-hole? Have you forgotten what I taught you?

Agap.Makar was way too far from the door.

Sea Lion.Watch it, Agap. If I find out that you’re in cahoots with him, I’ll skin you alive.

Agap.Boss!

Sea Lion.You can go now.

Agap leaves

Sea Lion.What are you up to, Makar?

Nadya enters carrying a tray with a glass of red berry juice.

Nadya.Cranberry, just like you like it, my sweet sailor.

Sea Lion. [Drinking the juice]. Thank you.

Nadya.We have to send money to Katya.

Sea Lion.Money?

Nadya.To pay for the second semester.

Sea Lion.Does anyone really need this education?

Nadya.We do.

Sea Lion.Paying to the help while having our own worker!

Nadya.Katya won’t be scrubbing floors for the rest of her life, will she? Enough’s enough.

Sea Lion.Enough?

Nadya.Eighty three thousand for the second semester.