StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Lōkōpō kikowaena. Hōʻike kūlohelohe

– A he aha hoʻi «ke kala»?

– ʻAʻole ʻoe e wiwo hou. Kau?

– Ua hoʻomaopopo, ʻae ʻia, ʻAmene. – Ua kū hou au i loko, ma ka helu Izza.

– He huʻa kaua kāu, e ʻike ai ʻo wai kēia Pelekikena ʻelua.

– Ua ʻike paha ʻoe. ʻO kēia kou kikowaena – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich.

– ʻO kēia luahine? He kanakolu a keu kona mau makahiki ma mua ona, a he kanahākumamākolu he mau makahiki ma mua oʻu. ʻ … … he mea naʻaupō kēia, he hoahānau ia?! – Ua koho ʻo Klop a hoʻomaka hou e kākau hou.

– Ha ha ha ha!!!! – Ma hope iki kekahi manawa, pāheu koke koʻu makuakāne a ua ʻāhoʻe wau mai kona noho. Pēlā ʻo ia i ʻakaʻaka ai, ʻaʻole hiki ke wehewehe ʻia kahi ʻōlelo i helu ʻia, nā mea nānā wale. Akā paʻa akula ʻo ia ma ka poʻohiwi o kāna keiki kāne. – ʻa, ha ha, ʻoluʻolu, hele, ua hana wau, a he pelekikena kēia pelekikena ʻē aʻe i loko o kāna pahu i loko o kāna mau pahu a me nā kāmaʻa.

– Hee-hee, – onahe lemu ʻo Izya, – a hiki paha i kahi cactus?

– He aha kāu…

Ua hauʻoli ke keiki a holo i ka hapa mua o ka puʻupuʻu.

Ua loaʻa i kahi hana protagonist lua a me ke kōkua mua o ka mākaʻi o ka mokuā, ʻo Kopalaka Intsefalopat Harutun Karapetovich, he gastorbwriter ma mua, no ka lōkahi o nā makahiki hemo hope, he mea wale nō i ka wahine a Ottila, Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. He ʻekolu ʻoi ʻoi ʻoi kona kiʻekiʻe ma mua o kāna kāpena a ʻelima mau manawa i ʻoi aku ai ka ʻoi o ke poʻo o kāna wahine. Ua huhu ʻia ka ihu, e like me ka ʻaeto a me kahi ʻihi nui, e like me Budyonny a i ʻole Barmaley. Ma ka holoʻokoʻa, ke keiki maoli o nā kuahiwi, ka mea ma ka hoʻomaka o Perestroika, e iho ana i ka paʻakai, ʻōwili ʻia a hoʻokūkū ʻia nei i kahi anahe, pololei i loko o kahi kaʻa kaʻa e wehe ana me ka ʻole o ka hale, me nā lāhe mai ka hale kaʻa kaʻa o Tbilisi-SPb. Ma ke kahua, ala ʻo Lyuban a lele ʻo ia. Ua hana ʻo ia ma ʻaneʻi a hiki i kona hālāwai ʻana me ka wahine a ka luna kalana i ke ʻimi ʻana. Ua hoʻolālā ʻo ia iā ia he hoahānau no Caucasus.

Ke pau ʻana o ka hana, ua hana ʻo Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, e like me ka manawa, ke kiʻi i ke kiʻi kiʻi ma ka papaʻaina me ke kiʻi o ka Pelekikena incumbent, ʻānē ʻo ia, kauhaʻi iā ia ma kona pūlima, honi i ka lae ma ka pāpale o ke poʻo a kau i kona wahi kūpono ma ka ʻaoʻao ʻākau o ka papaʻa, me ka waiho ʻana ma luna o ka hihia peni me nā peni, nā kila, nā peni. kahi ʻāpana o nā nūpepa hoʻolaha hoʻolaha ʻokiʻoki no ka mālama pono ʻana. I inaina ʻo ia i ka pepa kīpē. He lahilahi a pohihihi mau ʻia ka manamana lima ma ia manawa ma ka manawa koʻikoʻi a laila pono ʻoe e lūlū. A ka hūnā iā ia ma kahi papa liʻiliʻi, ka manawa hiki i kahi manamana lima e pā ana i kahi poloka lāʻau o ka pā o ka ʻaoʻao o kahi kīwaha ala Soviet a me ka ʻeha ʻana, hoʻowalī ʻia ka ʻūhā maʻi i ka lawaiʻa mahana, ma kahi o ka hoʻāʻo ʻana o kāna mau loina, kahi āna i hana ai no 24 mau hola, e kau ana i ka hoʻomaha no ka hope. ^ E Ha yM.

E holoi i ka lula mai kona lae, nā pū lima, nā pūlima, nā wāwae a ma lalo o nā hua, kahi i lulu nui ai ka paʻakikī, ua hoʻohana ʻo ia i ka kāwele waʻa ʻauʻau. Ke nīnau nei ʻoe: no ke aha e ʻole ai ka pena? He maʻalahi ka pane: maʻalahi ka kāwele a lōʻihi i ka wā lōʻihi.

Ua pau i ka hōā ma ka wā kahiko loa i ka hanu o ka ʻohana. Ua hele mālie ʻo Ottila, e komo ana i ka wahi noho o ka hale o ka hut, e hele mālie ana i loko o ka lumi kuke, ua lawe ʻo ia i ʻelima mau lemona o ka moonshine mai ka pahu hau. Kūkila ʻia mai kekahi ʻano huckster kūloko. ʻ pressed akula ʻo ia i ka ʻōpū, lawe wale i kahi ʻuala, kahi i waiho ai kahi ʻāpana, me nā ʻāpana o ka hale. A i ʻole paha i kēia kao kāne kahiko, Intsephalopath, ka mea i kuʻi ʻole ʻole i kona mau niho i kona ola a pau, ua hākiki ʻia ʻo ia i kāna ʻāʻī me ka leʻea.

«ʻO ia ke kumu o kaʻu mau limahana,» wana ʻo Klopa, «honi ʻo ia iā Isolde, Isolde Izyu, a me Izya e honi mau ana i koʻu mau lehelehe no nā pua a me ʻehā mau makahiki mai hoʻokahi kula a ʻelua paha i ka makahiki. ʻAʻole kēia he pedophilism, hoʻokahi a ʻelua paha … – Akā ʻo ka niho o Incephalopath ka nui loa o ka ʻeleʻele, hemp a me nā aʻa ke koko mau nei, akā ʻaʻole i ʻeha ka make o Harutun. ʻAʻole maikaʻi kēia kolohe i ka DNA iā ia, akā ua kōkua maoli nō i ka hōʻike.

Ua ʻaihue ʻo Ottila a makemake ʻo ia e hoʻihoʻi i ka pā, akā naʻe me ka ʻōpū o ka ipu, ua hoʻoholo ʻo ia ʻaʻole e haʻalele. Hoʻopau ka Moonshine i nā mea āpau. No laila ua hoʻololi ʻo ia i kona manaʻo a hele i ka papaʻaina. Aia kekahi TV liʻiliʻi i loko o ka lumi kuke, a huli ʻo ia ma ke ala. Hele pū aku nō ʻoe ma ke ala, ua hele wau i ka pahu puhaka, a wehe maila i ka uhi ʻana i ka pā, e kū ana ma ka tiptoe. ʻO ka ʻala, a hoʻopau ʻia mai loko ona, ua hoʻokaʻawale iā Ottila a manaʻo ʻo ia e ʻai i kekahi. Lawe ʻo ia i ka kīʻaha: he pā, papa, kīwī ʻīwī, nā pahi, ka berena, mayonnaise, ka ʻono ʻono, kefir, airan, koumiss, ketchup, ka lau moʻo, mug, ʻelua mau ipo: nui a ʻuʻuku, a me ka paʻakikī e hopu i kona kaulike, hele akula ia i ka papaʻaina. a kū a lele a lele: nā ʻauamo ʻelua lima, a luhi loa a he pono hoʻi e hoʻohana i nā ʻāpana. Ua hoʻomaka lohi nā mea a pau. Ua hoʻāʻo ʻo Ottila e pākuʻi i ka pākeke ma ka papa me ka ihu, akā ua kiʻekiʻe ke papa, a hoʻomaka maila kāna mau ʻālio. Huhi ʻo Ottila a kau i nā mea a pau ma luna o kahi noho. A laila huhū ʻo ia a e koi ana i ka noho i mea e ʻike aku ai ʻoe i ka TV, e kū ana ma ka noho, ʻoiai e ʻae ʻia ana ʻoiai he papa papa hana lā e kū ana, a ninini ana, hoʻokahi haneli a me kanalima mau gālama o ka moonshine i loko o kahi kuʻi ʻana a hamu ka hohonu, hoʻopiha piha i ka manawa like me ka pū me kekahi a pu me ia me ka leo nui. kani kūmū. Ua wīwī ʻo ia e like me ka lemona kahiko, me ka kānalua ʻole, kaʻi ʻana i kahi ʻāpana o ka puʻu laubled me kāna ʻāpana ʻelima a haki ʻo ka ʻāpana me nā iwi. Hoʻokomo ʻia nā papa i loko o kāna pālela a me ka alelo. Hoʻopau ʻo ia, akā naʻe, hoʻomanaʻo ʻo ia i ka yoga o kona makuakāne a poina iā ia ka hōʻeha ʻana, ʻoiai ʻo nā kupunawahine a me nā keiki hoʻi nā poina i nā kī a me nā mea kīkī. Kū hou ma ka laina. ʻO ka huaʻī o ka huaʻī o ia mea: ka pīpī, ka sauerkraut, ʻuala, ka ʻala i kālai ʻia me ka kāloti ma ka pepa kamato, nā pepeiaʻi palaoa, semolina, kahi hua manu i kāwili ʻia me ka ʻāpana o ka ʻupena, ka manamana lima, ka nui o ka pākeke, ʻā kekahi me ka ʻāpana o ka iwi mai ka ʻiʻo me ka ʻala i loko o ka papahele. Ua ʻai ʻia ka ʻiʻo i mua, ma ke kumu: «ma kekahi ʻohana nui… mai kaomi.» I loko o ka waiū ua maloʻo a nānā like me ka ʻōpala puaʻa, ua pā ʻo Ottila i ka iwi a ua ola, ʻoiai ʻo ia e hoʻopiʻi pono ana i ka lono. ʻO ka mea e pili ana i ka Call Call Center ma ka ʻaoʻao TV.

– A ʻo ka mea ʻoluʻolu loa, «i hoʻomau ai ka mea hoʻolaha,» … hoʻokahi kumu mai Irkutsk he punahele ʻo Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol a hoʻowahāwahā wale ʻia kāna hana, ʻoiai ʻo ia ka hana «NOS». ʻO koʻu ola a pau kaʻu mea i mālama ai i ke kālā no ka huakaʻi i Leningrad (ʻo St. Petersburg), kahi i hoʻopaʻa ʻia ai kahi hōʻailona nui me ka ihu o kahi ihu keleawe, e like me Gogolevsky. Akā ua hoʻokahuli ʻo Perestroika i nā hoʻolālā āpau; ua hoʻopio ʻo ia i kāna mau kumuwaiwai a pau ma OJSC MMM a, e like me nā miliona miliona o ka poʻe mālama, ua waiho ʻia me ka lua donat. Ua hōʻoluʻolu a hoʻoluʻolu ʻo ia me ke kīmi ʻana ma Myocardial infarction, ua hoʻomaka hou ʻo ia e hoʻopakele kālā no ka huakaʻi i St. A ua makemake ʻia kēia moemoeā lōʻihi loa i nā makahiki he ʻumi. Ua hele mai ʻo ia i ke kaona aliʻi nui o ke koa ʻo St. Petersburg. A, i ka ʻike ʻana i ke keʻena noiʻi kahi i waiho ʻia ai ka mōʻī i kali ʻia a kali lōʻihi i ka manawa, ua holo koke ʻo ia me nā mea ma nā halekele ākea me nā mea hoʻoili ʻekolu, no ke aha me nā mea hoʻohuli? ʻO ia wale nō e noho ana ʻo Moskvichka i loko o ka waihona ʻike, a ʻo Muscovites, ʻaʻole like me Pitertsev, aloha nui e hoʻouna i nā ala ʻē aʻe, e like me kēia manawa. Ua hōʻea ʻo ia i ʻelima mau hola ma hope o ka wahi lōʻihi i kapa ʻia ai, nānā ʻo ia a ʻike ʻole ʻia ka mea like ʻole, ua hoʻoholo ʻo ia e nīnau aku i nā luna kiaʻi e kokoke mai ana i nā limahana hana a ka poʻe lawaiʻa e hele nei e ʻoki i nā ʻōpio mai lākou:

«E kuʻu poʻe aloha,» kāhea ʻo ia iā lākou, pane mai kekahi o lākou a huli mai iā ia, «hiki iā ʻoe ke haʻi mai iaʻu i kahi i waiho ai ka pā kaua o Gogol?»

– A ma ʻaneʻi, – ua pōpoki ke limahana i kona poʻo, – ma kahi i aneʻi. – ke kuhikuhi ana i ka pā o ka wahine a me nā ofanarel: mai ka mākeke aia wale nā lua ma ka paia a me kahi stencil paʻa ʻole, ka nui o ka pā ʻaihue me ka ihu kanaka. Ua make koke ʻo Granny ma muli o kahi maʻi hōʻeha ʻeha. Ma kēia holo a hiki i ka hopena. Loaʻa nā mea maikaʻi a pau. I

Ua inu ʻo Ottila i kahi aniani a hele aku e hiamoe.

I loko o ka pouli i ka moe i hoʻonā ʻia ʻo ia a piʻi aʻe e ʻalo i ka ʻaoʻao o kāna wahine, ke ʻalā nei i ke kuʻi. ʻAʻoleʻo ia i neʻe. I ka wa i piʻi aku ai ʻo ia ma luna o kāna wahine a ma waena o ka pā pōhaku a me kāna wahine, pīhoihoi ia i ka ʻaliki a me ka makani mai nā lehelehe o ka hapalua nani. Lawe ʻo Ottila i ka nui o ka hanu o ka lewa a hāpai i kona umauma i luna, ʻoi iki ka nui ma mua o kona poʻo, hoʻokuʻi ʻia i kona poʻo ma ke kua o kāna poʻo a me ka hiamoe o kāna kāne. Ua kau ʻo ia i kona pepeiao ma lalo o ia a uhi ʻia nā pepeiao ma luna me kona puʻupuʻu luna. Ua nalo aku ka ʻoki ʻana, a hoʻopau ʻia e like me ke pēpē, i ka ʻoluʻolu a me ka hōʻoluʻolu.

I kakahiaka kakahiaka ala aʻe ʻo ia i luna o ka uluna. ʻAʻohe wahine. Hele ʻo ia a ʻauʻau, a holoi ʻo ia iā ia iho, ua aahu i nā lole piha. Hele akula ʻo ia i ka puka o ka puka i ka Malele, lawe aku i ke kāʻei, a… Ua wehe ka puka mai iā ia i kēia kūlana a kuahiʻe, i ka manawa ʻo ka ʻōkuhi ʻo ia i ka puka o ka puka, kaʻi ʻana iā Ottila i ka pā o ka ʻaoʻao o ke Kahiakauka, me he mea lā ʻaʻole ʻano hanohano. Ua lele akula ʻo ia a kāhea maila i loko o ka Wisa ʻo Mount. ʻO ka ʻōpū me nā umauma cushioned a hoʻolei i ka precinct i hope.

– He aha ʻoe? Izoldushka!? – Kono ua noi me ka pīhoihoi i ka lele a ma hope o kona hōʻeha ʻana i ke kua ma hope o kona poʻo, e uhai ana i ka papahele.

– Wehe i kou wāwae, holoi wau i laila. hamo ana ʻo ia a hoʻomau i ka papahele, kūlou i ke kua i lalo, i hope iā ia. Hele aʻela ka mākaʻi e pili ana i kāna hoki, holoi i kona mau wāwae, kahi ʻeke polū me nā pepeiao huaʻala, a komo i loko o ke keʻena. ʻO ka mea mua i hana ai, piʻi i luna i kahi noho, a laila hele aku i ke kelepona ma ka papaʻaina a huki iā ia i kona ʻaoʻao. Lawe aʻela ia i ke kelepona, ua noho ma ka ʻaoʻao o ka pākaukau a waiho ma kona pepeiao. Ua hoʻopiʻi ʻo ia i ke kelepona o kāna poʻo a kalulu ʻana i kona mau wāwae, kali, ke helu ʻana i nā ʻakaʻaka.

– Ullah! – lohe ʻia ma kēlā ʻaoʻao o ka uaia ma hope o ka leo kanalima.

– Kauhea ʻoe? Ke kāhea nei kēia iā Mr. General General Klop.

– Ahhhh… ʻo ʻoe nō ʻoe? – Ua huhū ʻia ʻo Comrade Marshall, – pehea ka mea i kahi wahi hou? ʻAʻole lōʻihi ʻoe i kāhea aku, ua hoʻomaka ʻoe e poina e wai lā… uh… um, hānai iā ʻoe.

– ʻAe, he aha ʻoe, ʻo Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. ʻAʻole i kumu kumu e hoʻopilikia ai i kou poʻo o kou mauʻelemakule i hala ʻole.