Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

Dasha is online right now, 13 seconds ago, on that english-pals site. Still «single».

I’m being tempted to create a page on vk and fucking ask her just like this how have you fucking learned english. Did you practice with sergey, was he always abroad and spoke it natively. Otherwise i don’t unerstand how you do it.

On the site to the photo with her in white broad-edged cap i noticed a comment from a sweden man «Beautiful! Even the illuminati one, even though I despise Illuminati and their brainwashing methods: P». Interesting. What methods? Methods of teaching? Or getting acqauinted? At first i thought acqainted. But perhaps he really meant teaching. But then he must have had lessons from her, to say that. ( – это какойто пиздец. у меня бывают такие моменты в которые вот так в последествии перечитывая невозможно поверить. я почему не загуглил слова Illuminati? я как вообще мог начать разибраться что значил комент этого шведа если я не знаю значения слова. я не помню чтобы я тогда гуглил. иначе бы я начал непонимать и разбираться. а я с этой всей массонской хуйнёй решил попробовать разобраться только в 21ом году. тоесть вобщем я откровенно проигнорировал наличие главной детали в коменте и вообще не понял значит про что речь, но зачемто начал интересоваться словом «методы» и нет ли намёка на какие-то дашины методы. или я настолько был повёрнут в те моменты, минуты всмысле, на вопросе какая у этого шведа была с дашкой связь что я, даже если вдруг и гуглил Illuminati, то только бегло и дальше фактически прозныгнорил наличие этого элемента в его коменте – ) Only he doesn’t look at all like her student. A 34yo old guy at the time. But then, if he meant getting acwauinted, what did make him say so? She just has theese two tattooes on her both arms. One «gravity. No escaping. Not for free» and the other her massonic eye with a triangle. The first doesn seem to be much too intelectual. And the eye. I don’t know anything about all the masonic thing. Maybe it always implies that a person connected with it is intellectual? ( – я кажется в те времена ещё немог conceive мысль что даша не просто от балды набила себе эту хуйню – )

======================================

23 02 19 вечер отправил

Что я ТЕБЕ сделал, Даш? да. я неприятно себя вёл. Но я начинал уже меняться тогда, перед игнором. ну за что это, что это такое, объясни

======================================

24 02 19 вечер отправил

НУ ХВАТИТ НУ ПОЖАЛУЙСТА ХВАТИТ. Я БУДУ СТАРАТЬСЯ ПОМЕНЯТЬСЯ, ОБЕЩАЮ, только не оставляй меня без тебя

======================================

25 02 19 morning – страдания, утеря молодости, еблигон

Early morning. Havent slept enough at all. it’s wonderous how fleet the hours when i suffer. I woke up half and an hour ago and an hour ago i looked what the time was and then i lay and thought on girls, just this one thought, and now it is an hour passed. I ve just thrown my youth in the bin.

God how i want to be young and with a lassie. It’s exactly why i so suffer – i want a lassie to love me for my being young, and vice versa. We had all our youths towards, everything was towards, everything was to be. It’s the best feeling of youth, what i felt so happy about then. I wanted a lass to love each other for that our being happy for that. And for youthfull inexperiencness. I cannot even imagine myself lying a 35yo man in bed with a young lass, it’s disgusting. I need only a peer, a paerson of my age. I want my other half. Damn how all’s not well.

Dasha was awake almost as little as 3 hours ago. It was 5, if in saratov. Can it be? She either doesn’t work or else lives in a western country. I can think of no other options.

Yesterday i dopped watching shakespeare once again. I cannot do it any more, altyhou half king lear is still remaining and i am turning 26 in a few days. All this shakespeare doesn’t boost neither vocabulary nor idiomacity. There are so many constructions in him and so fast that everything is fogotten as soon as it has been heard. And it’s all just stories. I myself now am full of stories, although not of the nature i’d like them to be.

But i have finished robert burns and recorded him, today i am going to listen to him and in interrims continue composing the music for KAKTMJ. Damn it was more than 6 years ago.

======================================

27 02 19 morning – страдания по даше и другие, романитка ностальгия

Got to rest at after 3am. Awoke at half past 8, tried to sleep again till 10, failed. Want to sleep bad as fuck. All the time lying been thinking on what to write dasha. Like all the previous day, and all the last 7 years, actually and especially this last fucking year. Arrived at nothing, as always. She doesn’t understand at all. she dosnt give a fuck. Dammit. She thinks i should mend the situation with medication. She fucking doesn’t understand how the pills work on me. taking them i fucking become a not myself, i loose all my nervousness althogether and i then fucking have no reason to do anything at all. i become a not myself, i become nobody at all, a piece of crap of a human being. and all because of the fucking nessesity of love and intimacy, my natural fucking demand, which i would have been satisfying if i had another girl. I must like others satisfy my natural demand the natural way. But i have no girl, I’m a fucking home stayer, and i cannot cease to think on dasha because of the same reason. I am a home stayer, here at home only dasha is. I cannot switch to another, i have none. I cannot fall in love via the fucking internt with anybody because i have already done this with her. falling in love with another while staying at home means that i would do it the same way, all the fuckign thing all over again, again falling in love with a picture. Fuck. And she says i could have long ago got acqauinted with somebody. How??? Fuck. How am i supposed to do that but the same abnormal way? Fallign in love with a picture.

if only she talked to me a bit sometimes i would finish my fucking albums and maybe then got some acuaintance. Without any product i am fucking nothing. I need talking to her sometimes to have my natural demand satisfied, then i would be able to work. Then i might find another. But she doesn’t fucking understand. I am fucking at a loss. I want to sleep fuckingly bad. i am going to be unable to record today. the only good thing is that this day is supposed to be lost on cooking.

I’ve found a correlation between the fact i masturabate all the time when want to sleep and the fact that when i want to sleep i cannot do anything. The second is because the first is for the same reason: having not sleep affects my nervous system i begin to be nervous too much. Affects my damaged attachment thing. and I fuckign begin to think on girls all the time when i havent slept enough. Thus i either masturbate all the time or think on dasha and all all the time. Fuck

Evening

Just now mum called, just a short call on some trifle. There was a lass talking in the background, or a woman, but the voice was really young. I don’t know who that might be and where my mum is and i didn’t asked. My god. It remebred me of my youth. Zelyony pereulok, and the end of zelyoni pereulok. There might be some situation back then when i just like now would call mum or something and there would be some girl near her, or i, say, just would know that where my mum was there was a girl near. But especially when a girl really was and i could hear her voice. For instance when mum was in a bank and there was a girl operator. But better in an informal situation like now. And then i would fucking imagine and dream, i would go as far as even dream that my mum would acqauint me with that girl, or i would imagine that the girl would ask something about me. that somethin was about to happen.. that i would somehow end up being with that girl, maybe she would come to our flat and be our guest or something, or that the girl needed something from me which i could give (it would be all a dream so i even had something to offer to a girl). Just like when in a more earlier childhood mum would arrange some connection with my peers, with the same artyom for instance, or another acqauintacne of mine if she was at their’s (she was doing those estate documental tasks for everybody, and was often at somebody’s) and she would aarrange for us that we would meet and go for a walk or something. Just like that, would i later on in youth imagine that she would arrange something (only now it’s only girls that chiefly interested me) and i would somewhow meet with somebody.

To be honest, i even had a crazy thought that that girl in the background may have been dasha. Mum today was at the И. bank 2 blocks away from dasha’s place. Why does mum never ask me anything about dasha? Maybe she knows her already. Maybe she went to dasha today after the bank, and they are arranging something for me with her. at least let my mum have to do something, at least something with dasha. Let me not meet with her, but let my mum, say, study english with dasha. At least some connection with me, with my family. I so want her to be connected with me, in any way including that i would never be able to meet with her, only let her be in the third element of the chain. The chain of acqauintances, the first being myself, then somebody like mum or dad or even fedot and then let there be dasha the third. At least with anybody, at least with fedot, who is so alien to me compared to, say, mum, but i spoke to him in person and i can speak again, and i can have something to do with him. And i would be having this something to do with him and would know that he has the straight real link to dasha, he knows her in person, he speak to her often. He may tell something to her about me, and whats most importantly maybe she sometimes asks about me, maybe she thus knows about me more than i think she knows. I would so like such a thought, to imagine myself known to dasha more fully that i expect. I even now enjoy that she ( – дашка – ) may be delving some information abbout me which i don’t suppose she knows about me (although i of course have told her almost everything about me). maybe she asks tanya petrova something about me, whenever they remember me. at least maybe they remember me& i would so love them to remember me.

======================================

27 02 19 ночь отправил

ну пожалуйста прости меня.. давай перепознакомимся. я не буду таким

======================================

28 02 19 Night – идея охоты на дашин мусор

So that i won’t forget: today when throwing away the garbage a thought occured: i can get to dasha’s garbage. Why didn;’t i think about it before? I mean i of course imagined scenes of dahssa’s going to that bin across the street and throwin away garbage, but only now did i bethoought myself of the garbage itself. The contents may be super exlusive and revealing. Why the fuck didn; t i think about it this summer. I even sped myself up today when thought on this, so that i might sooner buy the food and home and cook and record the songs and fucking go to saratov again for the garbage.