Людмила Ансельм - Короткие пьесы

JULIE( offended ): Can your Rita make a salad like Locke-Ober’s?

MIKE:Rita and I go out to restaurants a lot…

JULIE( sadly ): We hardly ever ate out at fancy restaurants at the end…

MIKE:( peaceful ): Julie, honestly you cook better than restaurants…

( Pause )

JULIE:You know what hurt me most, when we separated?

MIKE:What?

JULIE:The antique coffee table… You grabbed it from in front of the TV. And I never even fought for it…

MIKE:But, I bought it.

JULIE:With my money.

MIKE:No. I paid with my money.

JULIE:You bought this sofa with your money too?

MIKE:Why do you so begrudge me the coffee table?

JULIE:We sat here on this sofa, watched TV… ate at the table… and drank wine, talked… How I have dreamed… to sit together and talk peacefully… Like before…

MIKE:And I come to you in peace… ( Joyful ): Julie, better remember what good times we had too! Our cruise to Caribbean, the cast party on Fred’s boat! Beautiful sunrise! Sunset! We tangoed all night…I remember it so clear…

( Mikejumps from the sofa begins to tango. He bows and invites Julie to dance, but Julie waves her hands, refusing to dance. Mike sits on the sofa again closer to Julie )

May be you don’t believe me, but now I don’t want anything… I only need a bit of your help…

JULIE( suspiciously ): Why are you so happy?

MIKE:I finally got a gig!

( Mikemoves a tad closer to Julie )

JULIE:Who needs a 65 year old actor even if he has lots of awards?

MIKE:TV ads!

JULIE:You are kidding!

MIKE:Not at all… Remember, when I was younger I was in beer ads with Fred? Well. Fred is now a director and he found a good show for me…

( Julielooks doubtful ):…

MIKE( continuing ): Such a handsome distinguished actor, as me, is in a soap opera! Soaps make a lot by using products that pay when products are used on the show. There’s a younger market to be cultivated, but some things older people use too…

Julia:Like?

MIKE:For instance, uggs, bling, pugs, fossil… Viagra!

JULIE( moving further away exclaims ): Viagra! Mike, why Viagra?…

MIKE:I had no choice… Don’t forget, I’m older…I’m in good company. They’re getting older sports figures, and fighters… Well known people, to hawk Viagra in short ads, but I’m going to do a couple of Soap segments!

JULIE:Can I see it?

MIKE:Na. Not yet… Later…

JULIE:How can a Viagra script be long enough for a Soap segment?

MIKE:( low serious voice moves a bit closer to Julie ) Well, there are four separate steps… First, we see the guy buying a special trademark casual shirt and slacks, there are laughs as he flirts with the sales girl to get in the mood… Then home, we see him using a branded hair preparation that dyes white hair dark and…then he shaves with a branded razor… then mouthwash and under arm… and so on, and so on.

JULIE:Ok! OK!… OK! Men are a good new market, I suppose.

MIKE:Ya! Then on the street… The guy buys a big bouquet of flowers… and walks along singing a jaunty tune. Like a hit from the sixties.…

( Mikesings something from the Beatles: “I need you, I need you, I need you…” and walks smartly around smiling. He then abruptly sits down but closer yet to Julie and continues gaily )….

MIKE:Next: we see him going to his girl friend, and giving her the flowers.… He chats and has to go to the bathroom. In her bathroom he looks in her medicine cabinet, lots of laughs here… and uses her tooth brush… lots of laughs… and picks out a branded tooth paste. He then takes her glass and fills it with water, and swallows the Viagra.

( Juliewith suspicious look, moves quite far away )

JULIE:Uh…Huh… go on…

MIKE:Some more chatter… Then they sit on the sofa and watch TV…

JULIE:And then?

MIKE:He has to talk her up for awhile…

JULIE:I suppose we see the man jumping on the girl…

MIKE:No! No, not yet. Viagra takes 10 to 20 minutes to take effect…

JULIE:You actually put on a branded condom and have sex?

MIKE:Nah! We see only the guy putting one leg on the woman. The next scene shows him turning off the lights. And then the TV goes black…

( Pause )

Endof the fourth segment!

JULIE:When do you start shooting this scene?

MIKE:Next week. I had some rehearsals, but I’ve never taken Viagra…

JULIE( with steely calm ): How could you rehearse, if you never take Viagra?

MIKE:And you?

JULIE:Of course not! I’m a woman.

MIKE( more and more excited ): Julia, women are trying Viagra too… For some it seems to work. For others not…

JULIE:I don’t need to take Viagra…

MIKE:But…sex is good for health both men and women…

JULIE:Now, I don’t need sex. I seem to have lost interest…

MIKE:Exactly!!! And you have to know Viagra improves social communication!

JULIE( ironically ): Communication!!…

MIKE( blithely continues ): Maybe you would like to try Viagra some time… I have an extra. You can try it.

( Mikeholds out a pill. Julie, hesitates then curiously takes it )

JULIE( looking at the pill ): You’re stark raving mad!

MIKE:Aren’t you interested in how Viagra acts on you? You’re not curious?

JULIE( handing pill back ): No!… Curiosity killed the cat…

MIKE:( coaxing ): Are you afraid? Take a half then…

JULIE( standing ): No!… Never!

MIKE:Julie, don’t be rash!… I ask one last time…

( Mikesuddenly stands and tries to hug Julie )

JULIE( picks up heavy bronze: table lamp and pushing him away with the bronze lamp at the ready ): Away!

MIKE( joyfully ): It’s already working! I’m starting to feel warm…

( Heglances at his watch )

Just10 minutes! It’s normal!

( Pause )

JULIE( angrily waving the lamp at Mike ); Now, I know why you came to me! You want to rehearse with me and Viagra! Bastard!

MIKE:Julia, I feel sorry for you… You’re not right…

( Julieslaps Mike on the face. Mike pulls away )

JULIE( shouts throwing the flowers at Mike ): Get out! Do your rehearsals with your bitch, Rita!

( MIKEstoops over to carefully pick up the flowers. Between picking up the flowers one by one he says )

MIKE:Sorry…….but…….. To tell you… The truth….Julie,

( Longpause )

with Rita……. I don’t need Viagra!

JULIE( waving the lamp, screeches ): Get out you bastard! Get out!…

MIKE( sadly, like a tragic actor ): Now I see, you’ll never guess, why we separated… All our relations could be different, if…

( Pause )

JULIE( excited ): If? What if?

MIKE:If you were a little bit… a little bit curious… Good bye, Julie!

( Mikeexits. Julie slumps down on the sofa, but jumps up )

JULIE( runs to the door and shouts ): Mike! Mike! Wait… I changed my mind! Come back!

THE END

OLGALEONARDOVNA KNIPPER

CHEKHOVA( KNIPPER )– Chekhov’s wife 85 years old.

ANNA– student of the Moscow Theatrical studio.

The year is 1954. A dressing room in the theater. Knipper is restlessly sitting in an armchair waiting for her “Master Class” student. She suddenly stands, goes to a nearby coat rack, and casually starts to inspect each coat. Finding one to her satisfaction she nostalgically tries it on. There is a knock at the door. She quickly lays the coat aside.

KNIPPER:Come in.

( Annaopens the door; she enters trying to appear confident )

ANNA:Olga Leonardova, I’m sorry… I’m late…

KNIPPER:( pausing to make Anna more uncomfortable ): Good day Anna. What is the matter? You always have come right on time… but today… I know it’s snowing hard…

ANNA:I’m sorry… I couldn’t…

KNIPPER: Our tea is ready… Let us relax a bit!

( Olgagets a tray with tea pot, three teaspoons, two small plates, cups, saucers and a jar of jam….pours their tea… Anna settles down… they take jam and sip… their eyes meet: )

ANNA:Olga Leonardovna, I have good news! Our Theater School will do, Anton Pavlovich Chekhov’s “The Cherry Orchard” as our final exam.

KNIPPER: Grand! Have you auditioned for a part yet?

ANNA:The director, Vadim, asked me to play the heroine Ranevskaia.

KNIPPER: Ah!… Here’s your chance…

ANNA:You have played Ranevskaia so many times…

KNIPPER:Yes! I’ve played Ranevskaia my whole life… almost until I was 80 years old… Have you learned the part?

ANNA:Yes… by heart.

KNIPPER: That’s a start… Describe Ranevskaia,s character, please.

ANNA: She… is light headed.

KNIPPER: In your view… and?

ANNA: She loves… life.

KNIPPER: Maybe…

ANNA:Flighty and fickle…

KNIPPER: In what sense “fickle”?

ANNA:In sex… she is an elderly woman who wants everybody to love her.

KNIPPER: Just what age do you think she is?