StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Nchọpụta Crazy. Onye na-achọpụta ihe ọchị

Mgbe ọ rụchara ọrụ, Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, dị ka oge niile, sere foto na tebụl nke onye isi ala ahụ dị ndụ, kuo ya, kuchie ya na uwe ya, susuo ihu ya n’isi isi ya ma dọghachi ya n’ọnọdụ aka nri ya n’akụkụ aka nri nke tebụl ahụ, na-edobe ya na pensụl na mkpịsị, roba, pensụl, na otu mkpọ nke akwụkwọ akụkọ mgbasa ozi na-enweghị ego maka ịdị ọcha onwe onye. Ọ kpọrọ akwụkwọ mposi. Ọ dị gịrịgịrị ma na-amagide mkpịsị aka ya oge niile dị oke mkpa mgbe ahụ ị ga-ewepụ ya. N’ịmegharị ya na oghere dị warara, enwere ohere nke mkpịsị aka kụrụ osisi nke akụkụ dị n’ime ụlọ mposi n’okporo ụzọ Soviet na inwe mmetụta mgbu, mmetụ ahụ mere mkpịsị aka ahụ na-arịa ọrịa mmiri na-ekpo ọkụ, kama na-enwe ahụ ụtọ ya, nke ọ na-eyi maka awa 24, na-etinye ebe ezumike ya maka mgbe e mesịrị..

Iji hichaa ọsụsọ n’egedege ihu ya, ogwe aka ya, ogwe aka ya, ụkwụ ya na àkwá ya, ebe ọ na-a sweụ ọ exceptionụ n’ụzọ pụrụ iche, ọ na-eji akwa nhicha mmiri na-asa ahụ. Juo: gini kpatara nkpa? Azịza ya dị mfe: towel buru ibu ma na-adịgide ogologo oge.

Ọ bụ akaha, na ezinụlọ amalitelarị iku ume ogologo oge gara aga. Ottila, na-abanye n’ime ụlọ ebe obibi ahụ, jiri nwayọ banye ebe a na-esi nri, were friza nke ọnwa marun site na friji. Weghaara site na obodo. Ọ pịa ya n’ime afọ, dị nnọọ a saucer, nke dina otu azụ asa, nke otu onye na-ata ata. Ma ọ bụ nwere ike ịbụ ewu ochie a, Intsephalopath, onye na-enweghị ehicha ezé ya ụbọchị niile ya ma bụrụkwa ọnya na-ata ata ya.

Klopa mụbara, sị, «Ọ bụ ya mere m ji bụrụ ihi. Ọ susuru Isolde, Isolde Izyu, Izya na -emekwa ọnụ m mgbe niile maka afọ ise na anọ a na-esi n’ụlọ akwụkwọ ebute otu ugboro ma ọ bụ ugboro abụọ n’afọ. Nke a abụghị pedophilism, otu ma ọ bụ abụọ … -Mgbe ezé Incephalopath na-abụkarị oji, hemp na mgbọrọgwụ mgbe niile na-agba ọbara, mana Harutun enweghị ahụ mgbu ma ọlị. Derụ ọrụ a n’ime DNA emerụghị ya ahụ ma ọlị, kama ọ bụdị nyere aka n’ụzọ gara nke ọma na nyocha ahụ.

Ottila wagharịrị wee chọọ itinye efere ahụ n’ọnọdụ ọ bụla, mana na-atụnye aka na ite ahụ, o kpebiri ịghara ileda ya anya. Ọnwa na-emebi ihe niile. O wee gbanwee obi ya wee gaa na tebụl. Enwere obere TV na kichin, ọ gbanye ya n’ụzọ. N’uzọ, agara m na ebe a na-ere gas ma mepee ihe mkpuchi ahụ, guzo na tiptoe. Isi ahụ na-esi ísì ụtọ ya, mere ka Ottila xụbiga mmanya ókè na ọ chọrọ iri otu ozugbo. O were n’ime kọbọd ahụ: efere, tabletop, shaker ose, mma, achịcha, Mayonezi, utoojoo, kefir, airan, koumiss, ketchup, akwụkwọ mmiri, mpekere, ngaji abụọ: nke ukwu na nke obere, na, na-adọga ijide nguzozi ya, ọ gara na tebụl ahụ, ebili we dicha ike: Aka abua abua gabigoro, ribigara ibu ókè ma oburu n’eji egbugbu. Ihe niile na-akpọ nwayọọ nwayọọ ga-agbanwe. Ottila nwara iji imi ya kwatu efere ahụ n’elu tebụl ahụ, mana tebụl ahụ dị elu, ikpere aka ya wee malite ịgba. Ottila kwuliri elu ma dọba ihe niile n’elu oche. Mgbe ahụ, ọ gbanwere ma, na-akwagharị oche ahụ ka ị wee hụ TV, ka ọ na-eguzo n’akụkụ oche, nke a na-emezi emezi ka ọ bụrụ tebụl na-eme ihe nkiri, guzo, wụsara otu narị iko na iri ise nke moonshine n’ime anụ ahụ ma kubie ume nke ukwuu, jupụta ya ozugbo n’otu swig ma soro ya n’olu dara ụda. ụda gurgling. Ọ na-ewute dị ka lemon ochie, na-enweghị oge, jidere aka ya ise wee na-agba otu akụkụ nke na-azụ azụ. Ọkpụkpụ gwuru na okpo ọnụ ya na ire ya. Ọ froze, ma cheta yoga nna ya wee chefuo ihe mgbu ahụ, dịka nne nne ma ọ bụ ụmụaka chefuru igodo na oke egwu ndị ọzọ. Ihe na-esote n’ahịrị bụ ofe. Ofe ahụ nwere ndị na – esote: peas, sauerkraut, poteto, eyịm e ghere eghe na ya na mado Tomato, mpi ọka dị nro, semolina, akwa ọkụkọ a gwakọtara ọnụ na mpempe shei, nsị, ogo onye toro eto, ma nwee otu ọkpọ nke si na anụ nwere veins. banye n’ime ite ahụ. Achọtara anụ ahụ tupu mgbe ahụ, n’ụkpụrụ: «n’ime ezinụlọ buru ibu… agaghị pịa.» N'ị suụchazi ofe ama ọrịre ma yie ihe dị ka nke anụ ibu, Ottila rabara ọkpukpu ahụ wee dịrị ndụ, ka ọ na -echezi akụkọ ahụ. Okwu na-esote nke oku Oku nọ na onyonyo TV:

– Ma ihe kacha atọ ụtọ, «onye mara ọkwa gara n’ihu kwuo,» … otu onye nkụzi si Irkutsk bụ onye na – akwado Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol ma na – efe ọrụ ya ofufe, ọkachasị ọrụ «NOS». N’oge ndụ m niile, echekwara m ego maka njem gaa Leningrad (nke bụ St Petersburg ugbu a), ebe etinyere imi ihe ncheta nke nwere imi ogologo n’elu ọla kọpa, yiri Gogolevsky. Mana Perestroika kwụsịrị atụmatụ niile; O tinye ego nile o nwere na OJSC MMM ma dika otutu nde ndi na echekwa ego, ejiri oghere nye ha. N’inwe ọkụ ma nwee nnukwu ọgbụgba nke Myocardial, ọ malitekwara ichekwa ego maka njem ọ bụla gaa St. Petersburg na ọbụna na nzuzo, kpughee onwe ya, na-anakọta karama na ite na-adịghị ọcha n’abalị n’abalị a na-ekpofu ahịhịa na n’okporo ụzọ. Ma ugbu a, nrọ ahụ a na-ele anya ga-emezu n’ime afọ iri. Ọ bịarutere na isi obodo bụ dike nke St. Petersburg. Ma, ebe ọ chọpụtara n’ime ụlọ ọrụ nyocha ebe ncheta a na-achọ achọ na nke echerela ogologo oge, ọ jiri ọsọ na-ebugharị ihe n’ụgbọ njem ọha na eze, gịnị kpatara eji ebufe ya? Ọ bụ naanị na Moskvichka nọ ọdụ na tebụl ozi, na Muscovites, n’adịghị ka Pitertsev, hụrụ n’anya na-eziga ụzọ ọzọ, dị ka n’oge a. Mgbe o rutechara awa ise ka ebe ahụ a na-eche ogologo oge, ọ legharịrị anya, n’enweghị achọta ihe ọ bụla yiri nke ahụ, kpebiri ịrịọ ndị ọrụ nchebe nọ nso ebe ahụ jiri anya lelee ndị ọrụ na-akwaga mba ọzọ na-aga ịdọpụta nne nne ha:

Ọ kpọrọ ha, «ndị m hụrụ n’anya, otu n’ime ha zara ma chigharịa,» her nwere ike ịgwa m ebe ncheta nke Gogol’s NOS dị?»

– Ma ebe a, – onye ọrụ wepụrụ isi ya – - ebe a. – wee rụgide aka na mgbidi na oghere aka: site na ihe ncheta ahụ, enwere naanị oghere dị na mgbidi na akwa a na-ejideghị, nke nnukwu efere ezuru nwere imi mmadụ. Granny nwụrụ ozugbo n’ihi ọrịa obi nkụchi. N’elu nke a mbufe anyị gwụsịrị. Kacha mma. Nye

Ottila rankụrụ iko ọzọ wee hie ụra.

Ọchịchịrị gbara ya n’ọchịchịrị n’ọchịchịrị, ọ rịgoro wee merie n’akụkụ nwunye ya, bụ onye na-ekwu okwu. Ọ gbagharịdịghị. Mgbe ọ rịgooro n’elu nwunye ya ma nọ n’agbata mgbidi ahụ na nwunye ya, ibobo wee kpuo ya n’elu site na egbugbere ọnụ nke mara mma. Ottila kuru ume nke ikuku ma bulie elu ya elu, pere mpe karie isi ya, dogidere isi ya n’azu isi ya n’azu ura nke nwunye ya. O tinye ntị ya na nke obere ma jiri obi ya dị elu kpuchie ntị elu. Nlepu anya, o were nwa dika nwatakiri, n’enye oku na nkasi obi.

Ke usenubọk, enye edemede ke idap ke udori. Onweghi nwunye. Ọ gara n’ebe a na-asacha ihe, wee saa ahụ, yiwe uwe zuru oke. Ọ gara n’ọnụ ụzọ nke ụzọ e si banye ebe ndị siri ike, were aka ahụ, ma… Ọnụ ụzọ mepere ya n’ọnọdụ a wee dajụọ, n’oge ọ na-agbanye aka n’ọnụ ụzọ, na-adọkpụ Ottila n’ime oghere nke Powerpoint, dị ka a ga – asị na enweghị ikuku ikuku dị ike. Ọ batara were daa Wife. Afọ na-ara ara na-atụpụ tụpụrụ azụ.

– Gịnị ka ị bụ? Izoldushka!? – Ọ jụrụ na mberede na ijiji na mgbe nke a gasịrị o nwere mgbu na azụ nke isi ya, na-akụ ala.

– Hichaa ụkwụ gị, m sara ebe ahụ. ọ kparuru ya ma gharia n’ala, na-ehulata na ala ala, laghachikwute ya. Onye uwe ojii ahụ gbara ịnyịnya ibu ya gburugburu, hichaa ụkwụ ya, jiri ntị mịrị amị na-akpa aka ma banye n’ọfịs. Ihe mbu o mere, rigoro n’elu oche, wee jee na ekwentị n’elu tebụl ma dọpụta ya na nsọtụ ya. Ọ kpọtara ekwentị, nọdụ na nsọtụ tebụl ma tinye ya na ntị ya. Ọ kpọrọ ekwentị nna ya ukwu, kpọpuo ya n’ụkwụ, chere, na-agụta beeps.

– Ullah! – nụrụ n’akụkụ nke ọzọ nke waya mgbe ụda olu iri ise gasịrị.

– Comrade Marshal? Nke a na – akpọ Mazi District General Klop.

– Ahhhh… ọ bụ gị? – O wutere Comrade Marshall, – olee otu ihe dị na ebe ọhụụ? Didkpọghị gị ogologo oge, ị malitere ichefu onye e… uh… um, na-enye gị nri.

– Mba, kedu ihe ị bụ, Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. Onweghi ihe mere ị ga-eji kpoo isi agadi gị n’efu.

– Baska, ị sị, ọnụnụ?

– Uh… mba, ndo, gbapụ.

– Ọ dị mma, ka anyị chọpụta ya ma emechaa, banyere ụkpụrụ omume nke ndị nọ n’okpuru na ndị nwe ha. Ọ dị mma, gịnị ka ị nwetara, ihe dị mkpa?

– Ee!!!

– Kedu ihe ị na-eti, Pygmy abụghị Russian?

– Ndo, ee.

– Ọ dị mma, anyị ga-ekwukwa maka oke nke ụda olu ekwenye ekwenti mkparịta ụka ekwentị, nke etinyere n’ọgụgụ mbụ nke nzukọ ndị omebe iwu nke Moscow na Russia.. yabụ, kedu maka gị, Sneak Bug? Bịa n’otu ngwa, abịaghị m ọmụmụ ihe.

– you lere anya n’abali ikpeazụ nke mbipụta nke Oku Oku?

– Ee e, enwere m DiViDishka. Na gịnị?

– Na St Petersburg, ezuru Nose ihe ncheta.

– Ma gịnị?

– Ọ ga-amasị m inyocha ikpe a, ọ bụrụ n’ịhapụ m, Mr. Mazị Marshall.

– Kedu ihe imi ọzọ, onweghi onye kọọrọ m, na-ekwu okwu karịa. Kedu ihe ncheta nke imi ha bibiri?

– Odi nma, ya na Gogol..

– Gogol imi ka ebipu?

– Ee e, Gogol nwere akụkọ gbasara FNL.

– Ma gịnị?

– Na nsọpụrụ nke akụkọ a, e debere ihe ncheta na St Petersburg ma zuru ohi. Amaara m onye nwere ike ime ya.

– Enweghị ebe obibi ma ọ bụ gịnị? Ọ dịghị onye ọzọ. Ọ bụ ọla kọpa. Kedu ihe ị chọrọ n’aka m?

– Gbalịa azụmaahịa a.

– Ya mere kpachie anya, kedu ihe ọ bụ? Kama ọ bụ naanị n’oge ị na-enweghị ego.

– Mana a ga – achọ mmefu, mmefu njem, nri, ụlọ ezinaụlọ, njem tagzi.

– M-ee. Ọ dị mkpa ịmalite na nke a. Nke ahụ bụ naanị ịbanye na St. Petersburg, ị nwekwara ike iji ụgbọ oloko na-agba bekee, ihe omume Bomzhovskoe, yabụ na ụlọ oriri na ọ hasụ hasụ enweghị ya. You nwere ike ịgbanwe ya na ọdụ ma ọ bụ, kachasị njọ, na ndị na-enweghị ebe obibi na okpuru ulo. Ha ga-eripịa ha. N’obodo na ụkwụ ịnwere ike iji ụkwụ St. St. Enweghị ego na mmefu ego ruo mgbe m gwụchara ụlọ. Odi nma, I ghotara m?

– Sitekwa na tebụl ego nke ike m? Ahụrụ m obere ebe a na ụma sitere n’aka ndị ọrụ ugbo mkpokọ.

– Na otutu?

– Ee, nke ahụ ezuru na nke mbụ.

– Ọ dị mma. Were ya na akaụntụ ahụ. Ọ bụrụ n’ezie dozie nsogbu ahụ, a ga m akwụghachi ụgwọ nnabata nke ahịa, mana ọ dịghị?! Ọ bụghị maka m ikpebi, n’ihi na ego bụ nke ọha.

– Ezi, Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. N’ezie, enwere m obere oge, mana m ga-abịa ihe. – Ottila tinyere ekwentị ma dinaa na tebụl, ogwe aka agbatị.

– Lee ya, azụmaahịa ọhụụ! Ugbu a, ha ga-achọpụta ihe gbasara m na Petrovka 38.

Ọnụ ụzọ ahụ kụrụ, na nnukwu Isolde Fifovna, ọkara ya, pụtara.