СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Masanin Kwarewa. Tarin gwanin ban dariya

© StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky, 2020

ISBN 978-5-4498-0102-9

Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero

Sannu

Nan da nan matsa zuwa bayanin babban mahalarta a cikin abubuwan da suka gabatar da ni a wannan bangare na shari’o’i.

Na farko a jerin sune Manjo Janar Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop. Daga cikin waɗanda ke kewaye da shi, ba shi da girma matakin – casa’in da tara da santimita tara.

Kuna tambaya: «Amma yaya aka shigar da shi cikin matsayin masu gadin umarnin, bayan duk, bayan mita ɗaya da rabi ba za a karɓi su cikin sojojin ba, kuma ba tare da sojojin ba za a karɓe su cikin masu tsaron …". Amma shi – wani lamari na musamman: Iyayensa sun kasance, mafi daidai, mahaifiyarsa da kakanta, waɗanda suke bauta masa maimakon mahaifinsa, citizensan ƙasa na citizensan Rasha, da tushen asalin Yahudawa. Wannan kawai mahaifiyarsa ce, sau ɗaya a cikin karni na karshe na ƙarshe, lokacin da duniya ba ta yin amfani da kwamfyuta ko’ina kuma Babban Tarayyar Soviet, da yardar rai ta shiga cikin jerin masu ba da izinin ƙasashen duniya, waɗanda aikinsu shi ne don tsabtace mara lafiya bayan ɓoye teburin. Kuma wannan ya faru ne a wasu ƙasashen Afirka kuma tsoffin kabilu na tsoffin pyan mulkin mallaka na Afirka sun juya zuwa rashin lafiya, ɗayansu, ko kuma shugaban da kansa, shine Babban Dattijo, shekara ɗari da dubu ashirin na kalandar sa ya tsufa, kuma tun lokacin da ƙungiyar sa ta gundura (ya mutu) daɗewa, saboda haka, waɗanda suka ambaci haihuwarsa ba su ba ne kuma ya sami damar da’awar cewa mahaifiyarsa Rana ce, kuma mahaifinsa shine Wata, da dai sauransu. da dai sauransu.. Tabbas, mahaifiyar Ottila ta gaba ba ta yi imani da wannan tatsuniyar ba, amma ba ta cutar da ita ba, kawai ta yi murmushi ta yi gaba da Babban Al-Tsari na duk mutanen Duniya. Bayan ita, bayan sun karɓi maganin shugaban, sun kasance suna jaraba mai ban sha’awa: idanun soyayyen bison a cikin tafarnuwa miya, ƙoshin ƙoshin giwa tare da kifin cakulan, sabon jini borscht na paramedic wanda aka rasa Ivan Kozimovich Pupkin a ranar haife da ruwan ’ya’yan itace Coca a kan na uku… Gabaɗaya, mahaifiyar da take da juna biyu ta farka sannan rayuwarta ba ta da fifiko.

Kuma bisa ga dokar kabilan Pygmy, matsakaicin tsayi na soja da mai kiyaye umarnin ya kasance aƙalla santimita takwas kuma ba su wuce mita ɗaya da biyar da rabi ba, ba shakka, saboda haka an ɗauke shi zuwa ga theiran sandarsu kuma ya aika tare da musayar ƙwarewa zuwa Rasha. Don haka ya ci gaba da kasancewa a cikin hidimar: ya sami mazaunin dindindin, kamar kowane ma’aikacin baƙo, kuma tunda ya kasance ɗan ƙasa na Federationungiyar Rasha a lokaci guda, babu wanda zai iya tura shi. A takaice, komai na yiwuwa a kasarmu, musamman kan kudi. Amma dole ne ya sami horo na soja tare da mahaifinsa a cikin kabilar kuma ya cike giwayen a jarrabawar. An bayyana hakan ne a cikin daftarin da aka gabatar a wurin bukatar, wanda aka yiwa lakabi da mahaifar Ottila kuma UNESCO ta amince dashi. Tabbas, wani takarda an haɗa shi, kodayake ba da izini, yana kama da buhun ɗari. Kuma har ma a cikin babban takaddun an nuna cewa ya yi aiki a matsayin janar na rundunar janar na yanki kudu-kudu na kabilar da ake kira Nakatika Ui Buka. Tabbas, an ba shi wannan lakabin ne saboda mahaifinsa tsawon rai, musamman tunda an jera kabilar su a cikin rundunar Majalisar Dinkin Duniya.

Ottila matashi ya sami wannan kwarewa a cikin sabis na kabilar, fiye da daidai, ya wuce gwaje-gwaje a: archery, jefa tomahawk, «hawa dutsen» hawa, wanda ya ba shi damar hawa, duka a kan matakan tsaye da kuma pimples. Yana iya jefa duka ƙafafunsa a kan nasa ko kunnuwan wasu kuma, riƙe ƙasa a kan hannayensa biyu, zai iya rawa da rawa, ya yi wasan sau uku, gefen, gaba, baya, kuma ba tare da taɓa ƙasa ba. Ya koyi yadda ake horar da kuliyoyi, karnuka da sauran cizon sauro da cinye dabbobi, gami da sauro, gadaje, injuna da bera.

Bayan an aika Ottila da izininsa kuma saboda rashin lafiyar mahaifiyarsa, an aika shi zuwa Ma’aikatar Harkokin Cikin Gida a matsayin magatakarda – mai kusa da Marshal, wanda bai taɓa gani ba a idanunsa, amma kawai ya ji muryarsa a rediyo da waya ta musamman. Bayan ya cika shekaru talatin da biyu, an tura shi kauyen Sokolov Ruchey, Leningrad Region, da kuma St. Petersburg, tashar jirgin kasa ta Lyuban, saboda ragi a bangaren gudanarwa.

Sun sanya masa bukka, tsohuwar makarantar koyar da sana’a. Rabin farko na bukka sun mamaye wuraren zama, kuma na biyu an yi niyya ne azaman mai ƙarfi.

Sannan Ottila Aligadzhievich ta zauna a cikin ofishinta sannan ta rubuta rubu’in, sannan kuma nan da nan, rahoton shekara-shekara. Yana cikin sauri, yayi kuskure, ya rikitar da kalmomi a cikin yarukan, kuma ya san dozin daga cikinsu, wadanda suka hada da: Faransanci, kabilu na asali, harsunan Soviet daban-daban, Latin, magana da Rasha, wallafe-wallafen Rasha, fenya Rasha, rashin gida na Rasha, harshen tambayoyin ciki da sauransu.

Yana rubutu, ya rubuta, sannan dan shekaru goma ya zo ofishin sa:

– Uba? – yaro karami ya tambayi ɗan shekara ɗari da talatin na ɗan Izya.

– Me, ɗana? – ba tare da ɗaga kansa ba, ya amsa mahaifin casa’in da tara na Ottil.

– Baba..? – Izya yi jinkirin. Har yanzu mahaifina yana rubutu.

– … lafiya, magana?! ya tambayi baban.

– Baba, na kalli akwatin nan, huh?!

– Kuma menene?

– Wasu kalmomin ba su bayyana gareni ba a can…

Ottila ya kalli ɗanta kamar uba, ba tare da sunkuyar da kansa ba, ya zaɓi ƙafafunsa a kan kujera ta musamman tare da matattakalar ƙafafun a gefen kafafunsa, ya tashi, ya juyo ya zauna a kan tebur. Cikin tsananin tausayinsa ya kalli dansa ta gilashin, yai kasa su a saman hancinsa ya tambaya, yana duban idanun dan nasa baya dauke kansa, wanda hakan ya cutar da kansa sannan wuyansa ya dushe. Ya kalli kowa daga kasa har sama. Hakan kuma ya keta huruminsa. Kuma har ma fiye da haka a gaban ɗan da ya girma kamar ɗan talakawa. Kuma yanzu, zaune a kan tebur, zai iya ma frown a kan black girare.

– Kuma waɗanne kalmomi ne ba su fahimce ka ba, ɗana?

– Da kyau..: Shugaba, wasu Power, FSB.. menene? Har yanzu ba mu wuce tarihi ba. Shin haka yake, ba da jimawa ba.

– Ko kai kawai makarantar boko ce a wannan lokacin karatu? – mahaifin ya yi murmushi, ya cire gilashinsa kuma ya murkushe su a cikin dunkulallen hannu, wanda daga nan ya jingina a saman tebur. Ya bugi ɗan nasa a kafada da ɗaya hannun kuma ya shafa shi da babban kumburi, wanda ba ɗan adam ba.

– Lafiya, saurara, – mahaifin ya yi ajiyar zuciya, – Shugaban kasa a cikin dangi na ne, wani iko mahaifiyar ku ce. Lafiya, ita, kun san abin da yake yi… Bai yarda ya ba da sha’awa ba, ya duba darussan.

– Feeds, – kara Izya.

– Ba ya ciyarwa, amma yana shirya abinci. – kara da mahaifin.

– Sannan kuma wa ke ciyarwa?

Mahaifina ya dube shi cikin hagu na idanunsa na hagu, sannan cikin idon dama, wanda ya hau dansa daga kakarsa, suka ce ita ’yar China ce, amma kawai Russified. Don haka ikirarin matarsa; tsawo, nauyi da nisa daga kugu a dari dari biyu. Fure mai-gashi mai launin shuɗi-mai-shuɗi-banda banda, ba kamar mahaifin mai ido ba.

– Ina ciyar da ku duka! – cikin alfahari cikin mahaifin kansa ya amsa da tona kirjin sa. Fuskarsa ya zama mai hikima.

– Kuma wanene kaka? – ya tambayi dan, ya zaro hancinsa.

– Kada ka dauko hancinka, dan, yau ba ranar mai hakar ba ce, – kuma a hankali ya cire hannunsa daga kan dansa, -.. kakaninmu shine KGB. Tsohon garin KGB.

– Kuma menene KGB? – Sonny ya damu.

Mahaifin ya saki hannun ɗan nasa kuma, yana dubansa daga ɗansa, ya zura ido kamar ɗan rago a sabon ƙofar, a ƙofar Dzerzhinsky.

– KGB iri daya ne da FSB. Kawai tsufa kamar yadda kaka. Kuma adalci, ba kamar yanzu ba, komai na lalacewa ne… Gabaɗaya, kaka itace FSB…

– KGB … – dan ya yi gyara kuma, bayan ya mirgine sabin busasshen snot a cikin zurfin hancin, sai ya ja, ya dube shi, ya ciji ƙyallen, ya zube, yana shafa hanci. – phew.., gishiri.

– KADA KA ci abincin da mahaifiyarka ba ta ciyar da kai ba?! – mahaifinsa ya kasance mai fushi.

– A’a, kuna ciyarwa.

– Ina samun kudi akan abinci. Kuma uwa tana dafa abinci da abinci daga abin da na samu. Samu shi?

– An yarda, fahimta, liyafar…

– Lafiya lau, mahaifinka, da kai …?

Yaron ya miƙe a gaban gidan SMIRNO, kamar yadda firist ɗin ya buge shi.

– Yayi kyau sosai a cikin barga su ne, amma na yi sosai.!!..

– .. Asshole… heh heh heh… Salaga. – Otila ya bugi hanun ta a hankali ta danta, amma Izya tsinke ya kawo maganar mahaifinsa kamar yadda ya koyar.

– Uh..– Ottila tayi ajiyar zuciya, tare da boye azaba, hannunta kawai ya zare, idanuwanta suka zubar da hawaye, – Lafiya, haka ne, uwa tana ciyar da ku ko?

– Ciyarwa. Abincin da aka ciyar dashi mai ban sha’awa … – dan ya fara ɗauka a cikin kunnensa na hagu … – Sannan ’yar uwata kuma waye?

– Kuma kai da ’yar uwata?.. Kuma ku mutane ne! – mahaifin ya yi murmushi ya sanya gilashinsa, ya sauka daga kan tebur zuwa kujera ya ci gaba da yin rubutu mai gaba, yana durkushe har hakan ya yi sama.

– Kuma menene ma’anar to, ga AURE ɗinmu, wancan makon… wannan… wani Shugaban ya zo …, Ba’amurke ne, KGB tana bacci, kuma mutane suna cikin damuwa?

– Menene kuma irin wannan shugaban? – Idanun Daddy sun fito daga karkashin gilashin.

– Kuma wanda yake rufewa da Wuta a cikin dakin idan kun zauna a bayan gida tsawon awa uku,..

– Sannan menene?

– .. to, suna dariya suna ta birgima, kamar kuliyoyi a watan Maris a kan tituna da dare, sannan ma masu kama da kyanwa kamar aladu yayin da suke kusa. Kuma fito – kamar bayan wanka – rigar.

– Kuma ina nake a wannan lokacin? – mahaifin ya girgiza.

– Kuma har yanzu kuna zaune a bayan gida don awa ɗaya.., sannan, kamar yadda koyaushe, kukan: «kawo takarda!!!».

– Anan, piss!!. – ya tsere daga tsananin zafin hakoran Janar Klop.

– Kuma menene «ƙaranci»?

– Shin, ba ku kuskure ya faɗi haka ba kuma. Lafiya?

– Fahimtar, yarda, Amin. – Na sake tashi, a cikin Izza counter.

– Kuna da aikin fafutuka, don gano ko waye wannan Shugaban na biyu.

– An riga an gano. Wannan shine ƙashin bayan ku – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich.

– Wannan tsohon? Yana da shekara talatin da haihuwa fiye da ita, kuma sun fi ni arba’in da uku. Hey… wannan wawa ne, shin yana da dangi ne?! – Klop ya tsage ya fara rubutawa.

– Ha ha ha ha!!!! – Bayan dan lokaci kadan, mahaifina ya fashe ba zato ba tsammani kuma kusan fashewa daga kujerarsa. Shi ke nan sai ya yi dariya, cewa ko da kalma ce ta ba za a iya bayyana shi ba, kawai ɓoyayyun abubuwa. Amma ya rike hannun dansa. – Oh, ha ha, lafiya, tafi, Dole ne in yi aiki, kuma wannan shugaban yana da kwayayen kaji a aljihunan su da takalmin da ke cikin firiji.

– Hee-hee, – Izya yi murmushi a hankali, – da watakila muƙamuƙi ne?

– Me kuke so…

Sonan ya yi farin ciki kuma ya gudu zuwa farkon rabin bukka.

Na biyu mai ba da shawara kuma mataimaki na farko na jami’in ’yan sanda na yanki, Corporal Intsefalopat Harutun Karapetovich, tsohon mai ba da labari, ya sami aiki a cikin ritayar tsufa, kawai saboda matar Ottila, Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. Ya ninka sau uku fiye da maigidansa kuma sau biyar ya fi ƙanƙanta da matar maigidansa. Hanci ya hunchback, kamar mikiya da gashin baki, kamar Budyonny ko Barmaley. Gabaɗaya, ainihin ɗan tsaunin, wanda a farkon Perestroika, yana gangara don gishiri, ya yi tuntuɓe kuma ya ƙaddara a cikin kwazazzabo, daidai a cikin motar ɗaukar kaya a buɗe ba tare da rufi ba, tare da kwal daga Tbilisi-SPb jirgin ƙasa mai ɗaukar kaya. A tashar, Lyuban ya farka ya yi tsalle. Ya yi aiki anan da can har sai da ya hadu da matar ɗan sandan yanki yayin sha. Ta ba shi shawarar a matsayin dan uwan daga Caucasus.