СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Wopanda Chinyengo. Wofufuza woseketsa

© StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky, 2019

ISBN 978-5-4498-0063-3

Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero

Moni

Nthawi yomweyo pitilizani kulongosola kwa omwe akutenga nawo mbali pazomwe ndakambirana mu gawo ili la milandu.

Woyamba pamndandanda ndi Major General Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop. Mwa onse omwe anali pafupi naye, sanali wokhazikika muyezo – makumi asanu ndi anayi mphambu zisanu ndi zinayi.

Mukufunsa kuti: «Koma adavomerezedwa bwanji m’magulu a oyang’anira adongosolo, pambuyo pa zonse, pambuyo pa mita imodzi ndi hafu sadzatengedwa kupita kunkhondo, ndipo popanda gulu lankhondo sadzatengedwa kukhala oyang’anira …". Koma ali – mlandu wapadera: Makolo ake anali, makamaka, amayi ake ndi agogo ake, omwe anamutumikira m’malo mwa abambo ake, nzika wamba za Russian Federation, omwe anali ndi chiyambi chachiyuda. Ndiwakuti amayi ake, kamodzi pachaka chomaliza, pomwe dziko silikugwiritsanso ntchito makompyuta kulikonse ndi Great Soviet Union, adadzipereka mwaufulu magulu a gulu ladziko lonse lapansi, lomwe ntchito yawo inali yotsuka odwala atatulutsa kachilombo. Ndipo izi zidachitika ku dziko lina la ku Africa ndipo mafuko akale a mapiramidi a ku Central Africa adadwala, m’modzi wa iwo, kapena mtsogoleriyo, ndiye Mkulu Wodala, zaka zana limodzi ndi makumi awiri za kalendala yake ndi zakale, ndipo kuyambira pomwe anzawo adandaula (adamwalira kale), chifukwa chake, iwo amene adakumbukira kubadwa kwake sanali ndipo adatha kunena kuti amayi ake ndi Dzuwa, ndipo abambo ake ndi Mwezi, etc. etc… Inde, mayi wamtsogolo wa Ottila sanakhulupirire nthano iyi, koma sanakhumudwe, anangomwetulira ndikugwedeza ku Great Old-Timer ya Men of Earth. Pambuyo pake, atalandira zomwe mtsogoleriyo adachita, adayeserera mokondweretsa: Maso a njati wokongoletsedwa mu msuzi wa adyo, kusuta mazira a njovu wokhala ndi chokoleti, borscht yatsopano yotayika ya paramedic Ivan Kozimovich watsopano patsiku lomaliza ndi zipatso za Coca lachitatu… Pazonse, mayi woyembekezera adadzuka ndipo moyo wake sunalinso wokondweretsedwa.

Ndipo malinga ndi malamulo a fuko la Pygmy, kutalika kwa msirikali ndi wosamalira malamulowa kunali pafupifupi masentimita makumi asanu ndi atatu ndipo osaposa mita imodzi ndi theka sentimita, mwachidziwikire, adatengedwa kupita kwa apolisi awo ndikutumizidwa ndi chidziwitso chaku Russia. Chifukwa chake adakhalabe pantchitoyi: adalandira malo okhala, monga mlendo aliyense, ndipo popeza anali nzika ya Russian Federation nthawi imodzi, palibe amene angamuthamangitse. Mwachidule, zonse ndizotheka m’dziko lathu, makamaka ndalama. Koma adachita kuphunzitsidwa usilikari ndi abambo ake mu fuko ndikudzaza njovu pamayeso. Izi zidanenedwa mu chikalata chomwe chidaperekedwa pamalo omwe akufuna, omwe adamangidwa pamimba ya Ottila ndikuvomerezedwa ndi UNESCO. Zachidziwikire, chikalata china adalumikizidwa nacho, ngakhale mosasamala, chidawoneka ngati ndalama zana. Ndipo makamaka muzolemba zazikuluzikulu zidawonetsedwa kuti anali mkulu wa ankhondo a zigawo zakumpoto chakummwera kwa fuko lotchedwa Nakatika Ui Buka. Zachidziwikire, ulemu uwu udaperekedwa kwa iye chifukwa cha abambo ake amoyo, makamaka popeza fuko lawo lidalembedwa m’magulu a UN.

Ottila wachichepere adapeza chotsatira muutumiki wa fuko, moyenera, adadutsa mayeso mu: woponya mivi, akuponya tomahawk, «kukwera mitengo», yomwe idamuloleza kukwera, ponseponse pamtunda komanso pimples. Amathanso kuponyera miyendo yonse kumbuyo kwa makutu ake kapena a anthu ena, ndikugwira pansi mikono yonse, kumatha kuvina kuvina kwa bomba, kuchita zosewerera katatu, mbali zamtsogolo, kutsogolo, kumbuyo, ndi osakhudza pansi. Anaphunzira kupha amphaka, agalu ndi zina zoluma ndi kudya nyama, kuphatikiza udzudzu, nsikidzi, nsabwe ndi zimbalangondo zonyansa.

Ottila atatumizidwa mwa kufuna kwake komanso chifukwa cha kudwala kwa amayi ake, adatumizidwa ku Ministry of Internal Affairs ngati kalaliki – adjutant wa Marshall, yemwe sanamuwonepo ndi maso ake, koma adangomva mawu ake pawailesi komanso foni yapadera. Atakwanitsa zaka makumi atatu ndi ziwiri, adasamutsidwira kumudzi wa Sokolov Ruchey, Leningrad Region, ndipo ku St. Petersburg, njanji ya Lyuban, chifukwa chodula muzida zoyang’anira.

Anamupatsa kanyumba, kalasi yakale yophunzitsira. Hafu yoyamba ya nyumbayo idalipo mosungiramo nyumba, ndipo yachiwiri idapangidwa ngati malo olimba.

Ndipo Ottila Aligadzhievich amakhala mu ofesi yake ndikulemba kotala, kenako, lipoti la pachaka. Ali wofulumira, amalakwitsa, amasokoneza mawu mzilankhulo, ndipo amadziwa angapo mwa iwo, kuphatikizapo: Chifalansa, mbadwa zakomwe, zilankhulo zisanu zosiyanasiyana zaku Soviet, Chilatini, chilankhulo cha Chirasha, mabuku achi Russia, fenya yaku Russia, osowa pokhala, achilankhulo ndi ena.

Amalemba, amalemba, kenako mwana wazaka khumi amabwera ku ofesi yake:

– Abambo? – wokhala ndi modzichepetsa anafunsa mwana wazaka zana limodzi kudza makumi atatu wazaka Izya.

– Chiani, mwana? – osakweza mutu wake, adayankha makumi asanu ndi anayi mphambu asanu ndi anayi a abambo a Ottil.

– Abambo..? – Izya adazengereza. Abambo anali kulemba.

– … chabwino, mulankhule?! anafunsa bambo.

– Ababa, ine ndinayang’ana pa bokosi apa, huh?!

– Ndipo chiyani?

– Mawu ena samveka kwa ine kumeneko…

Ottila adayang’ana mwana wake ngati bambo, osachepetsa mutu, adanyamula miyendo yake pampando wapadera wokhala ndi rairs pamiyendo yakumaso, adauka, natembenuka ndikukhala pansi patebulo. Anayang’ana mwana wake mwachikondi kudzera m’magalasiwo, ndikuwatsitsa kumapeto kwa mphuno yake ndikufunsa, akuyang’ana m’maso mwa mwana wake osatukula mutu wake, zomwe zidamupweteketsa mutu komanso kuti khosi lake lidafooka. Amayang’ana aliyense kuchokera pansi mpaka kumwamba. Zimamupatsanso mwayi wokhala nzika zake. Ndipo makamaka patsogolo pa mwana wamwamuna yemwe anakula ngati mwana wamba. Ndipo tsopano, atakhala patebulo, amatha kuwuma nsidze zakuda.

– Ndipo ndi mawu ati omwe samakumvetsetsa, mwana?

– Chabwino..: Purezidenti, Ena Mphamvu, FSB.. ndi chiyani? Sitinadutsebe mbiriyakale. Kodi zili choncho, zodabwitsa.

– Kapena kodi ndinu sukulu yophunzirira panthawi imeneyi. – abambowo adamwetulira, ndikuchotsa magalasi ake ndikuwaphwanya pang’ono, ndikuwatsamira, ndiye kuti adawatsamira pamwamba. Anamenya mwana wake paphewa ndi dzanja lake lina ndikumusisita ndi mutu wakudazi, womwe sanali munthu.

– Chabwino, mverani, – bambo adasunthidwa, – Purezidenti m’banja lathu ndi ine, Mphamvu ina ndi amayi anu. Mukudziwa, iye, mukudziwa zomwe akuchita… Sakulola kuti mukhale nawo, amayang’ana maphunziro.

– Amadyetsa, – anawonjezera Izya.

– Samadyetsa, koma amakonzera chakudya. – anawonjezera abambo.

– Ndipo amadyetsa ndani?

Abambo adayang’anitsitsa diso lamanzere la agogo ake amaso, kenako kumanja kwa diso lalikulu, lomwe linapita kwa mwana wawo wamwamuna kuchokera kwa agogo ake aakazi, iwo amati anali Wach China, koma a ku Russia okha. Adatinso mkazi wake; kutalika, kulemera kwake ndi m’lifupi mwake m’chiuno mazana awiri. Woduwa tsitsi komanso wamaso opanda buluu pambali, wosiyana ndi abambo ofiira.

– ndimadyetsa nonse! – monyadira mwana wamkati bambo adayankha ndikutulutsa chifuwa chake. Nkhope yake inakhala yanzeru kwambiri.

– Ndipo agogo ndi ndani? – adafunsa mwana, akutola mphuno yake.

– Osatola mphuno yako, mwana, lero si tsiku la mgodi, – ndipo modekha adachotsa dzanja lake pamutu wa mwana wake, -.. agogo athu a KGB. KGB wakale wachikale.

– Ndipo KGB ndi chiani? – Sonny ali ndi nkhawa.

Bambowo adatulutsa dzanja la mwana wakeyo, ndikuyang’ana kutali ndi mwana wakeyo, ndikuyang’ana ngati nkhosa yamphongo pachipata chatsopano, pachithunzi cha Dzerzhinsky.

– KGB ndiyofanana ndi FSB. Okalamba okhaokha ngati agogo. Ndipo zachilungamo, osati monga pano, zonse ndizachinyengo… Kwakukulu, agogo ndi a FSB…

– KGB … – mwana adamukonza, ndipo m’mene adapinda mpukutu wowuma m’mphuno, adatulutsa. – phew.., amchere.

– SADYA roe yomwe amayi ako samadyetsa?! – bambowo anakwiya.

– Ayi, mumadyetsa.

– Ndimapanga ndalama pa chakudya. Ndipo amayi amaphika ndikudya kuchokera kuzomwe ndapeza. Muli nazo?

– Kuvomerezedwa, kumvetsetsa, kulandiridwa…

– Wachita bwino, abambo ako, ndipo iwe …?

Mwana adayimilira pa SMIRNO, pomwe wansembe adamuthamangitsa.

– Wachita bwino kukhazikika m’khola, koma ndachita bwino.!!..

– .. Asshole… heh heh heh… Salaga. – Otila adamenyetsa kumbuyo kwa mutu mofatsa kwa mwana wake, koma Izya adachoka ndikumaperekera fanizo molunjika kumanda (mphuno) ya abambo ake, m’mene amaphunzitsira.

– Uh..– Ottila anasangalala, kubisala ululu, dzanja lake limapindika, ndipo m’maso mwake misozi, – Ndiye, kodi amayi akudyetsani kapena ayi?

– Amadyetsa. Amadyetsa mokoma … – mwana adayamba kutola khutu lakumanzere … – Ndipo mlongo wanga ndi ndani?

– Ndipo iwe ndi mlongo wanga?.. Ndipo ndinu ANTHU! – bambowo adamwetulira ndikuvala magalasi ake, adatsika patebulo kupita pa mpando ndikulemba mtsogolo, akugwada pansi kotero kuti anali okwera.

– Ndipo zikutanthauza chiyani kwa OTSITIRA athu, sabata ija… uyu… Purezidenti wina adabwera …, Amereka, ma KGB akugona, ndipo anthu ali ndi nkhawa?

– Kodi pulezidenti wina ndi uti? – Maso a abambo anatuluka kuchokera pansi pagalasi.

– Ndiomwe umatseka ndi Mphamvu mchipindacho mukakhala kuchimbudzi kwa maola atatu,..

– Kenako chiyani?

– .. ndiye, iwo amaseka ndikutuluka, ngati amphaka mu Marichi mumisewu usiku, ndiye ngakhale amanunkhira ngati ma piglets pamene sanalowererepo. Ndipo mutuluke – ndikatha kusamba – kunyowa.

– Ndipo ndili kuti nthawi ino? – bambowo adagwedezeka.

– Ndipo mumakhalabe kuchimbudzi kwa ola limodzi.., kenako, monga nthawi zonse, kumafuula: «bweretsani pepalalo!!!».

– Apa, piss!!. – adapulumuka ku mano a General Klop.

– Ndipo «bitch» ndi chiani?

– Kodi inu musayerekeze kunenanso choncho. Chabwino?

– Anamvetsetsa, kuvomerezedwa, Ameni. – Ndidadzukanso, ndikutsutsana ndi Izza.

– Muli ndi ntchito yankhondo, kuti mudziwe kuti Purezidenti wachiwiri uyu ndi ndani.

– Wapezeka kale. Uyu ndiye woyang’anira wanu – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich.

– Kodi munthu wachikulireyu? Ali wamkulu kuposa iye zaka makumi atatu, ndipo wamkulu kuposa ine. Hei… uyu ndi wopusa, kodi ndi wachibale?! – Klop adalemba ndikuyamba kulemba zina.

– Ha ha ha ha!!!! -Nditakhala kanthawi pang’ono, bambo anga anaphulika mwadzidzidzi ndipo pafupifupi anaphulika pampando wake. Ndi momwe amasekera, kuti ngakhale mawu owerengeka sangathe kufotokozedwa, zonyansa zokha. Koma adamgwira mwana phewa lake. – Ah, ha, chabwino, pitani, ndikuyenera kugwira ntchito, ndipo Purezidenti winayu ali ndi mazira a nkhuku mufiriji yake m’matumba ndi nsapato zake.

– Hee-hee, – Izya adagontha mwakachetechete, – ndipo mwina ndi ukatswiri?

– Mukufuna…

Mwanayo adakondwera ndikuthawira gawo loyamba la chimbudzi.

Protagonist wachiwiri komanso wothandizira woyamba wa apolisi amchigawochi, Corporate Intsefalopat Harutun Karapetovich, yemwe anali gastorbwriter, adapeza ntchito pakupuma kwapakati, makamaka chifukwa cha mkazi wa Ottila, Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. Anali wamtali katatu kuposa abwana ake ndipo wowonda kasanu kuposa mkazi wa abwana ake. Mphuno imasekedwa, ngati chiwombankhanga ndi masharubu, ngati Budyonny kapena Barmaley. Pafupifupi, mwana weniweni wamapiri, yemwe kumayambiriro kwa Perestroika, akupita kukathira mchere, amapunthwa ndikuganiza mu gorisi, pomwe pagalimoto yonyamula katundu yotseguka popanda denga, ndi malasha ochokera ku Tbilisi-SPb sitima yonyamula katundu. Pamalo opulitsira, Lyuban adadzuka ndikudumpha. Anagwira ntchito apa ndi apo mpaka pomwe anakumana ndi mkazi wapolisi wamchigawo uku akumamwa. Adamuvomera ngati m’bale wawo wochokera ku Caucasus.