Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

1. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

2. The captain's parrot began to understand how the magician did every trick.

3. He started shouting in the middle of the show.

4. He is hiding the flowers under the table.

5. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.

8. Render the joke.

One lady approaches a priest and tells him, «Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.»

«What do they say?» the priest asked.

"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

«That's terrible!» the priest exclaimed. «But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.»

«Oh, thank you, Father!» said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, «Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?» One male parrot looks over to the other and says, «Put the Bible away! Our prayers have been answered!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to approachприближаться

femaleособь женского пола

maleособь мужского пола

Hi!Привет!

prostituteпроститутка

to exclaimвосклицать

solutionрешение

to prayмолить(ся)

to worshipбоготворить

the BibleБиблия

rosary beadsчетки

to have some funразвлекаться

to stop sayingпрекратить говорить

our prayers have been answeredнаши молитвы были услышаны

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many things do the lady's parrots know how to say?

2. What do they call themselves?

3. Who offered help to the lady?

4. What has the priest taught his parrots to do?

5. What does the priest think his parrots will teach the lady's ones to do?

6. What do the male parrots hold?

7. What have the male parrots been actually begging the Lord for?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. That's _______ !

2. I have a _______ to your problem.

3. _______ your parrots over to my house.

4. I have _______ my parrots to pray and read the Bible.

5. The lady _______ her female parrots to the priest's house.

6. The male parrots are _______ rosary beads.

7. «Do you want _______ some fun?»

8. One male parrot looks _______ to the other and says, «Put the Bible away».

3. Say if the statement is true or false:

1. I have twenty-three talking female parrots.

2. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we are insurance agents. Do you want to have some fun?' "

3. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase.

4. Your female parrots will learn to play.

5. The lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

6. The priest's two male parrots are holding a party in their cage.

7. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Одна дама подходит к священнику и говорит ему: «Отец, у меня проблема».

2. Они только и знают, что говорить «Привет!»

3. «Это ужасно!» – воскликнул священник.

4. Мои попугаи отучат ваших говорить эти ужасные вещи.

5. Отложи Библию.

6. Наша молитва была услышана.

В предложении I will put them with my two male talking parrots, and my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that phrase используется одна из форм будущего времени английского глагола – простое будущее время.

Проверьте свои знания этой формы (при необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием; раздел 5).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate Future forms of the verbs given in brackets, where necessary:

1. The lady (to visit) _______ the priest next Tuesday.

2. These parrots never (to say) _______ such things again.

3. The priest's two male talking parrots (to pray and read the Bible) _______ from six till seven tomorrow.

4. My parrots (to teach) _______ your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase.

5. They (to teach) _______ them to pray and worship by next Sunday.

6. «I will solve your problem,» the priest said, «if you (to bring) _______ your parrots over to my house.»

7. Tell me, when you (to bring) _______ your parrots.

7.Make as many special questions to the sentences given as possible:

1. I will buy these two talking female parrots.

2. But I will have a solution to your problem.

3. I will put them with my two male talking parrots.

4. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase.

5. Your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

8.Insert articles where necessary:

1. One lady approaches _______ priest.

2. Father, I have _______ problem.

3. I have these two _______ talking female parrots.

4. "What do they say? _______ priest asked.

5. Do you want to have some _______ fun?

6. I have _______ solution to your problem.

7. Thank you, _______ Father!

8. The priest's two male _______ parrots are holding rosary beads.

9. Render the joke.

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

«Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?» asked George.

«George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion,» said Sam.

«Okay, I can do that,» George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said, and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

«Now, George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end, and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle,» said Sam.

«OK, OK, let's go!» said George.

«Hang on, George! One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?» said Sam.

«Sure,» says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say, «Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am…»

Study the words and expressions given below:

bullбык

to satisfyудовлетворять

localместный

populationнаселение

heiferтелка

to relaxрасслабляться

to line upвыстраивать(ся)

feed troughкормушка

gal сленг girlдевушка

ma'am разг. madamмадам

pretty excited разг. сильно возбужденный

here is how it worksвот как это работает

in a nice orderly fashionчинно; стройными рядами

feeding timeвремя кормления

Hang on! разг. Погоди!

a few moreеще немного

is gonna разг., сленг is going to

this is gonna workэто будет работать

to show respectпоказать (выказать) уважение

Sure!Точно! / Конечно!

to make sureудостовериться, делать наверняка

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many bulls were there?

2. What were their names?

3. Why was George pretty excited?

4. Where did he want to go and why?

5. Why did Sam suggest that they wait until the heifers were lined up at the feed trough?

6. Where did Sam and George plan to meet?

7. Did they meet?

8. Wasn't Sam a real gentleman?

9. Wasn't George a gentleman, either?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. There were two bulls, a young _______ named George and an old _______ named Sam.

2. It was that time of year _______ the local female population.

3. Young George was _______ excited.

4. George, _______.

5. We'll wait _______ they're lined up at the feed trough.

6. Feeding time came and all the heifers were _______ up.

7. Now, George, here is how this is _______ work.

8. One more important thing _______.

9. He remembers Sam's instructions about _______ polite.

3. Match the two parts of each sentence:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English: