Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

mean-lookingвыглядящий злобно и угрожающе

single fileв одну колонну

to stand sthвыдерживать что-л., противостоять чему-л., справляться с чем-л.

to turn on sbпереключиться на кого-л.

to get in lineвстать в очередь

Eight-year-old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. «Mommy,» says the little Mary, «how old are you?»

«Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is.»

«Why not?» demands the child.

«Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up.»

«Mommy,» asks Mary again, «how much do you weigh?»

«Never mind,» answers the mother.

«Why can't you tell me?»

«Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday.»

«Mommy,» insists the child, «can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?»

«Darling,» responds the mother in exasperation, «that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now.»

A few days later, little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems.

«All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need.»

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the driver's license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, «I know how old you are! You are 35!» The mother is very surprised. «And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?» The mother is shocked. «And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.»

The mother, dumbfounded asked, «Why?»

«It's because you got an F in sex.»

Words and Expressions:

mallторговый центр

Mommy ласк. мама

darlingдорогой

ageвозраст

to demandспрашивать

grown-upвзрослый

to weighвесить

somedayкак-нибудь; на днях

to insistнастаивать

exasperationраздражение

painfulболезненный

to recountвспоминать

conversationразговор

to overcomeпреодолевать

licenseлицензия

to recommendсоветовать, рекомендовать

to sneakподкрадываться, пробираться

to rummageшарить, рыться

purseкошелек, бумажник

to examineисследовать, осматривать

carefullyвнимательно, тщательно

to shockшокировать

F сокр. female обозначение пола в документах

Fбуквенный индекс низшей оценки за успеваемость в американских школах

sexпол; секс

Never mind!Забудь! Не обращай внимания!

driver's licenseводительские права

report card«личное дело», в школьной практике – табель, дневник

dumbfoundedошарашенный

There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom, «Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!»

The mother shook her head and replied, «Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother, «Mommy! Look! Today they gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!»

The mother got upset and told her, «They just did that so they could see your panties!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face, «Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!»

The mother said, «What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your panties!»

The little girl replied still smiling widely, «I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!»

Words and Expressions:

blondeблондинка

to offerпредлагать

to climbзабираться

schoolyardшкольный двор

flagpoleфлагшток

pantiesтрусики

widelyшироко

to trickобманывать

jelly beansсорт конфет

without hasteбез спешки

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, «Did God make you, Grandpa?»

«Yes, God made me,» the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, «Did God make me too?»

«Yes, He did,» the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. «You know, Grandpa,» she said, «God's doing a lot better job lately.»

Words and Expressions:

GodБог

reflectionотражение

latelyпоследнее время

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

"Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."

Words and Expressions:

to requestпросить, требовать

postalпочтовый

authoritiesвласти

to receiveполучать

Presidentпрезидент

to touchтрогать (тж. перен.)

to amuseзабавлять

to instructинструктировать, делать распоряжения

howeverтем не менее, вместе с тем

Washington D.C.адрес почтового округа «Вашингтон, округ Колумбия»

bastardублюдок

to deduct фин. вычитать

to want sth badlyсильно хотеть чего-л.

to appear to beказаться

to be delightedбыть обрадованным

a thank you note разг. письмо с благодарностью

for some reasonпо той или иной причине

as usual разг. как обычно

A seven-year-old and his four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them learn to swear. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass' ". The four-year-old happily agrees.

As the boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The seven-year-old replies, «Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some cornflakes.»

WHACK!

The seven-year-old runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,

«And what would YOU like for breakfast?»

«I don't know!» the four-year-old blubbers. «But you can bet your ass it's not gonna be cornflakes!»

Words and Expressions:

to swearругаться

enthusiasticallyс энтузиазмом

hellад; черт!

cornflakesкукурузные хлопья

WHACK! Бац!

to bawlгромко вопить

to rubпотирать

behind разг. зад

to blubberреветь

to betбиться об заклад, ставить на кон

It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says," My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook."

«Good Rodney,» says the teacher. «How about you, Johnny?»

Johnny stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-H-

no… "