Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

open fireоткрытый огонь

«Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…»старинная застольная песня

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.

All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa – filled with rage – threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, «Hi, Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?»

Words and Expressions:

topмакушка

annualежегодный

tripпоездка, путешествие

pantsштаны

to ripразрывать(ся)

tightтесный

to checkпроверять

preparationsприготовления

elfэльф

strikeзабастовка

reindeerсеверный олень

shin-splintsперелом голени

bummed сленг расстроен, удручен, выведен из себя

to calmуспокаивать

to knockстучать (в дверь)

angryсердитый, злой

stateсостояние

to ignoreне обращать внимания

rageярость angelангел

Christmas Eveканун Рождества

Santa ClausСанта Клаус

on strikeбастовать

all of sudden разг. all of a suddenнеожиданно

to be in no mood for sth разг. быть не в настроении для чего-л.

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, «The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.»

«Oh yeah?» her young grandson replied. «So why is their dad carrying that rifle?»

Words and Expressions:

pilgrimпаломник, пилигрим; зд. первые переселенцы в Америку

to observeзамечать, отмечать

rifleружье

Thanksgiving DayДень Благодарения

Words and Expressions:

bareголый

beadкапля (пота)

sweatпот

neckшея

breastгрудь

to drool сленг испытывать сильнейшее желание

thighбедро

slitщель

holeотверстие

insideвнутрь; внутри

murkyсумрачный, сумеречный

to stretchпротягивать, вытягивать

to stuffнабивать; зд. фаршировать

turkeyиндейка

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts.

He told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to «fart his guts out.»

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about «farting his guts out» until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.

He said, «Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.»

«What do you mean?» asked his wife.

«Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,… I think I got'em all back in!!!»

Words and Expressions:

frictionтрение, трения

to fart груб. испускать ветры

nearlyпочти

to awakeпросыпаться

smellзапах

to water зд. слезиться

to chokeзадыхаться

to pleadумолять

nastyужасный, скверный, гадкий

to begпросить, умолять

naturalестественный

bodilyтелесный

fumesзапахи, испарения

gutsкишки

to sufferстрадать

warningпредупреждение

dawnрассвет

feastпир, праздничное пиршество

pumpkin pieтыквенный пирог

mashed potatoesкартофельное пюре

gravyгрейви, подливка

innardsвнутренности

to occurприходить в голову, случаться

to solveрешать (проблему, задачу)

devilishдьявольский

grinусмешка, гримаса

bowlмиска

flatulent мед. страдающий от газов

soundlyasleep крепко спящий

gentlyмягко, нежно

shortsтрусы, шорты

underwearнижнее белье

to replaceперекладывать

trumpet муз. труба, горн

trumpetingтрубящий

to curdleсворачиваться (о крови)

screamвопль

franticяростный

footstepsшаги

to rollкататься

to stainпокрывать пятнами

horrorужас

lipгуба

graceграция; зд. милость

to break windиспускать ветры

I can't help itЯ ничего не могу с этим поделать

to wave sth awayотмахиваться от чего-л., отгонять что-л.

bloodcurdling screamвопль, от которого стынет кровь

to tear up(о глазах) наливаться слезами

she had finally gotten even от get evenсвести счеты

to keep from sthудерживаться от чего-л.

by the grace of God and these two fingers…по милости Божьей и благодаря этим двум пальцам…

I got'em back in = I got them…я засунул их назад

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.

She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new «action».