Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

to pose a questionзадавать вопрос, ставить вопрос

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Words and Expressions:

productivityпроизводительность (труда)

chairmanпрезидент

ticketбилет

performanceисполнение

unfinishedнеоконченный

symphonyсимфония

invitationприглашение

plausibleвероятный, правдоподобный

memorandumмеморандум, служебная записка

as followsследующим образом

considerableзначительный

oboe муз. гобой

to reduceсокращать

to spreadраспределять, рассредоточивать

orchestraоркестр

to avoidизбегать

peakпик, вершина

inactivityбездействие, отсутствие активности

violinскрипка

identicalидентичный, подобный

noteнота

duplicationудвоение, дублирование

staff адм. штат, персонал

drasticallyрешительно, круто

volumeобъем

to obtainполучать, приобретать, достигать

amplifierусилитель

effortусилие

to involveвовлекать, вводить

semiquaver муз. шестнадцатая (нота)

demi-semiquavers муз. тридцать вторая (нота)

excessiveизбыточный

refinementукрашение

to round upсвести, округлить

traineeученик

craftsmanмастер

purposeцель

hornрожок

passage муз. пассаж

to handleобращаться (зд. играть, исполнять)

stringsструнные

redundantизбыточный

to eliminateизымать, уничтожать

concertконцерт

to concludeзаключать, подводить итоги

mattersобстоятельства

Quality Assurance Managerменеджер по контролю за качеством

instead ofвместо

in light of the aboveв свете вышеизложенного

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, «You're going to die.»

Words and Expressions:

checkupпроверка, осмотр

to accompanyсопровождать

asideв сторону

moodнастроение

nutritiousпитательный

especiallyособенно

to burdenобременять, нагружать

householdдомашний, хозяйственный

choreдомашняя работа

whimприхоть, каприз

good frame of mindхорошее расположение духа

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, «Put two drops in right ear every four hours,» and he abbreviated «right» as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

«Put two drops in R ear every four hours.»

Words and Expressions:

actuallyдействительно

practiceпрактика

earacheболь в ухе

prescriptionпредписание, рецепт

ear dropsушные капли

to abbreviateсокращать, давать аббревиатуру

circleкружок

greasyзамасленный

oilмасло

pharmacistфармацевт

to typeнапечатать

labelярлык, этикетка

rear сленг зад

back in the early daysдавно в прошлом

«Would you mind telling me, Doctor,» Bob asked, «how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?»

«Nothing is easier,» he replied. «You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.»

«What sort of question?»

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, «You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don't know much about history.»

Words and Expressions:

to detectопределять

mentalумственный

deficiencyнедостаточность, неполноценность

nervousнервный

to put sb on the trackнаводить кого-л. на след

What sort of…?Какого типа…?

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, «Doc, I'm constipated.»

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, «Lean over the table.»

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK… and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, «Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?»

The doctor says, «Stop wiping with cement bags!»

Words and Expressions:

constructionстроительный

constipationзапор

to be constipatedстрадать запором

to whack разг. сильно ударять

baseballбейсбольный

batбита

to preventпредотвращать

cementцемент

bagмешок

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. «How can you win, Satan?» asked St. Peter. "«All the famous ballplayers are up here.»

«How can I lose?» answered Satan. «All the umpires are down there.»

Words and Expressions:

heavenlyнебесный

to winвыигрывать, побеждать

famousзнаменитый

to loseпроигрывать

umpireарбитр

to challenge sb to sthбросать кому-л. вызов в чем-л.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. «Goodness,» says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, «Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.»

The man says, «I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,» and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, «Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.»