Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your bra up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven. Even though I no longer work there, I will do my best to come to the picnic next Friday.

Words and Expressions:

apologyизвинение

belovedлюбимый

to be awareосознавать

baboonпавиан, бабуин

whoreпроститутка, шлюха

strictlyстрого; в строгом смысле

figmentфикция, вымысел

imaginationвоображение

undoubtedlyбез сомнения

water coolerаппарат для охлаждения воды

incidentпроисшествие, случай

jugкувшин, сосуд

regretsсожаления

defenseзащита

to remindнапоминать

escapadeэскапада, проделка

stairwayлестница

bannisterперила

landingлестничная площадка

ruptureперелом

to incurполучать (ранение)

to landприземляться

to admitпризнавать

cuss сленг тупой малый

to forgiveпрощать

goosey сленг дурак

storyэтаж

to regretсожалеть (о чем-л.)

firemanпожарник

false alarmложная тревога

fire hosesпожарные шланги

pressureдавление

broom closetхозяйственное помещение (чулан для швабр)

to startleпугать

to bumpударять(ся)

chinподбородок

dentistдантист

platesвставные челюсти

excuseизвинение

to embarrassошеломлять, ставить в неловкое положение

bra разг. бюстгальтер

flagpoleфлагшток

to urinate мед. мочиться

to apologizeизвиняться

son of a bitchсукин сын

deaf and dumbглухонемой

in spite ofнесмотря на

to break a fall разг. прерывать падение

it makes me sick(при мысли об этом) меня тошнит, мне плохо

to pass out сленг вырубаться

bad tasteдурной вкус

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Words and Expressions:

the stroke of midnightмомент наступления полуночи

kind of разг. типа

to crush to deathзадавить насмерть

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

«Why of course?» comes the reply.

The first man then asks, «Where are you from?»

«I'm from Ireland,» replies the second man.

The first man responds, «You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, «Where in Ireland are you from?»

«Dublin,» comes the reply.

«I can't believe it,» says the first man. «I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, «What school did you go to?»

«Saint Mary's,» replies the second man. «I graduated in '62.»

«This is unbelievable!» the first man says. «I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!»

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

«What's been going on?» he asks the bartender. «Nothing much,» replies the bartender. «The O'Malley twins are drunk again.»

Words and Expressions:

to stumble upподходить, спотыкаясь

patronпостоянный посетитель

to graduateзаканчивать школу

regularпостоянный посетитель

Why of course?А почему бы и нет?

You don't say!Не может быть!

another round to Irelandеще один раз (стаканчик) за Ирландию

What's been going on?Что происходит?

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched while a man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then another man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. «I can't stand this,» said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

«Hold it, hold it,» he said to the men. «Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?»

«Well, we work for the county,» one of the men said.

«But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?»

«You don't understand, mister,» one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work and get paid.»

Words and Expressions:

crewбригада, команда

ruralсельский

gas stationавтозаправочная станция

tankбак

softлегкий, мягкий; зд. безалкогольный

colaкока-кола

to move onдвигаться дальше

to fill inзаполнять, засыпать

to tossпихать, совать

trashмусор, отходы

containerконтейнер

countyокруг, район, графство

to accomplishзавершать, заканчивать

to wasteтратить попусту

to leanсклоняться, наклоняться, опираться (на что-л.)

shovelлопата

to wipeвытирать

browлоб

to stickвтыкать, вставлять

dirtгрязь, почва, земля

to be sickболеть

to come alongидти следом, подходить

Hold it!Постой! Подожди!

that don't mean разг that doesn't mean

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, «What do two plus two equal?»

The mathematician replies, «Four.»

The interviewer asks, «Four, exactly?»

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, «Yes, four, exactly.»

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The accountant says, «On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.»

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, «What do you want it to equal?»

Words and Expressions:

jobработа, рабочее место

applicantсоискатель, претендент на рабочее место

mathematicianматематик

interviewerинтервьюер, проводящий собеседование

to call inвызывать (в кабинет)

to equalравняться, быть равным

exactlyточно

incredulousнедоверчивый, скептический

percentпроцент, проценты

to lockзапирать (дверь)

shadeжалюзи, шторы

to apply forподавать заявление о приеме

What do two plus two equal?Чему равняется два плюс два?

on averageв среднем

give or take ten percentплюс-минус десять процентов