Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

The teacher interrupts, «Never mind, Johnny, sit down. How about you, Vinnie?»

Vinnie stands up and says, «My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!»

Words and Expressions:

careerкарьера, профессия

to stateутверждать, заявлять

occupationрод занятий

to spellпроизносить по буквам

accountantбухгалтер

to balance фин. сводить счеты, выводить баланс

checkbookчековая книжка

to stammerзаикаться, лепетать

electricianэлектрик

bookie разг. bookmaker букмейкер

oddsразница, преимущество

he'd give you ten to one oddsон даст вам десять против одного

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking… "

Words and Expressions:

to tapпохлопать (по плечу)

shoulderплечо

to scareпугать

gradeоценка, отметка

to spankшлепать

to get a spankingполучить нахлобучку, шлепки

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, «Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!»

«Well, I've been circumcised,» answered the other one. «Huh, what's that mean?» asked the first boy. «It means they cut the skin off the end,» said the second one. The first boy was very puzzled, «How old were you when it was cut off?»

The second boy replied, «My Mom said I was only two days old.»

«Wow, did it hurt?» the first boy wondered. The second boy responded without hesitation, «You bet it hurt… I couldn't walk for a year!»

Words and Expressions:

to circumcise мед. обрезать

potty сленг туалет, обычно детский

to pee разг. писать

skinкожа

hurtболеть, ранить, причинять боль

You bet it hurt…Бьюсь об заклад, болело…

I. Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

II. Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm little Johnny.

III. Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

IV. Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

V. Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

VI. Little Johnny: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

VII. Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father.

Words and Expressions:

Johnnyамериканский аналог русского Вовочки

to behaveвести себя

to punishнаказывать

sinceтак как

to chewжевать

gumрезина, каучук, резинка

chewing gumжевательная резинка

stupidглупый

to deserveзаслуживать

zeroноль; низшая оценка

markоценка, отметка

arithmeticарифметика

to break a promiseнарушать обещание

to keep a promiseсдержать обещание

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. «I've made up my mind,» she declared firmly, «we'll call her Penelope.» The husband didn't like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.

«That's a lovely name, dear,» he said. «The first girl I ever went out with was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.»

«I think we'll call her Mary, after my mother,» said the wife.

Words and Expressions:

subtleмягкий, вкрадчивый

lovelyмилый

pleasantприятный

memoriesвоспоминания

to make up one's mindрешать

to be subtle about sthне высказываться резко о чем-л.

to go out withходить на свидание с (кем-л.)

to call sb after sbназывать кого-л. в чью-л. честь

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers' attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. For the possitive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, «It's too cold out to ride a bike, I don't even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!»

Just then the possitive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, " There's gotta be a horse around Here somewhere!!!"

Words and Expressions:

onceоднажды

twinsблизнецы

completelyполностью

oppositeпротивоположный

attitudeотношение (к жизни), взгляд (на жизнь)

positiveпозитивный, оптимистичный

outlookмировоззрение

negativeнегативный, пессимистичный

to whineскулить, хныкать

around the cornerза углом, на подходе

a brand new bikeновехонький, с иголочки велосипед

horse crapлошадиный навоз

giftподарок

to complainжаловаться

to hateненавидеть

flaps(у коробки) створки крышки

to peerзаглядывать

contentsсодержимое, содержание

excitedвозбужденный

there's gotta be a horse around разг. there has got to be a horse

aroundздесь поблизости где-то должна быть лошадь

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad… " «What?»

«I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?» «No. You had your chance. Lights out!» Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad… " «WHAT?»

«I'm THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?»

«I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!»

Five minutes later…

«WHAT?!»

«When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?»

Words and Expressions:

thirstyиспытывающий жажду

a drink of waterнемного воды

to have one's chanceиметь шанс

Lights out!Свет гаси!

A man wanted to buy a new pet for a Christmas present, so he went to the pet shop and asked the shop clerk what he would recommend. «Well,» the clerk said, pointing out a large bird, «we have this parrot here, and he not only talks, he sings. I'll show you.» The clerk then lit a match and held it under the parrot's right foot. Immediately, the bird began singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way… "

«That's amazing,» the customer said. «What does he sing when you hold a match under his left foot?»

The clerk immediately lit a match and held it under the bird's left foot. The bird quickly started singing, "I'll have a blue, blue Christmas, without you… "

The customer couldn't believe what he heard. Finally he asked, «What does he do when you hold the match between his feet?»

The clerk lit a match and held it there. The bird hesitated a moment, then began singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… "

Words and Expressions:

petпитомец, домашнее животное или птица

to lightзажигать

matchспичка

customerпосетитель, покупатель

blue зд. грустный, печальный

chestnutкаштан

to roastжарить

for a presentв качестве подарка

«Jingle Bells…»рождественская песня

«I'll have a blue Christmas without you…»грустная рождественская песня