Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, «Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.»

Then she asked, «Did you dance much?»

He replied, «I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you … the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!»

Words and Expressions:

costumeкостюм; костюмированный (о вечеринке, бале)

partyвечеринка

swanky сленг элегантный, шикарный

to maskнадевать маску

HalloweenХэллоуин

devotedпреданный (о мужьях и женах)

to protestпротестовать

to argueспорить

aspirinаспирин

to missпропускать, лишаться чего-л.

funудовольствие, развлечение

painболь

hubby сленг муженек

to spotвыслеживать

to cavortпрыгать, скакать

chick сленг девушка, девица

to сор сленг взять или украсть что-л.

a feel сленг прикосновение (обычно – к лицу противоположного пола)

to sidleподходить, ходить бочком

seductiveсоблазнительная

babe сленг крошка

to devoteпосвящать

" action" зд. дельце

to whisperшептать

propositionпредложение

to unmaskснять маску

notoriousпользующийся дурной славой, заслуживающий осуждения

behaviorповедение

denпритон, вертеп; зд. комната для игры

pokerпокер

to loanодолжить

no need for sthнет нужды в чем-л.

to have some kicks сленг получить удовольствие, кайф

to cop a feel сленг прижить, украдкой прикоснуться

high and dry сленг брошенный, оставленный

so off they wentи они отправились прочь

to have a little bang сленг слегка поразвлечься

sure had one helluva time = surely had a hell of a timeнаверняка чертовски хорошо провел время

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, «Who are you?» and Pat replied, «My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.»

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, «Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play „When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.“ You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.»

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.» He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.»

St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, «Pat, shush! He's the boss's son!»

Words and Expressions:

paradeпарад

heavenрай, небеса

harpарфа

to pushнажимать, толкать

buttonкнопка

to earnзарабатывать

to punchбить кулаком

expresswayскоростная дорога, проспект

pinkрозовый

two-toneдвухцветный

to roarреветь, рычать, грохотать

organ муз. орган

celestialнебесный

complexionцвет лица

U-turnповорот на 180 градусов

to charge back разг. рвануть назад

to stalk upподходить с гордым видом

tinyмаленький

insignificantнезначительный

hugeогромный

to head out intoдвигаться к чему-л.

to play full blast сленг играть во всю мочь

Shush! Тихо!

An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

«It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.»

Words and Expressions:

engagementпомолвка

to proposeделать предложение

ringкольцо

syntheticсинтетический

diamondалмаз

lass разг. девушка, возлюбленная

jewelerювелир

vehementнеистовый, пылкий

in honorв честь

shamподдельный

rockкамень

shamrockтрилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?' "

«But why?» asks the curious fellow.

«I'm a divorce lawyer,» the gentleman replies.

Words and Expressions:

baldлысый

baldingлысеющий

counterприлавок, стойка

methodicallyметодично

to place зд. наклеивать

stampмарка

envelopeконверт

heartсердце

perfumeдухи

to sprayразбрызгивать

scentдухи

to signподписывать

lawyerадвокат

his curiosity getting the better of himлюбопытство берет в нем верх

Guess who?Догадайся, от кого это?

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a «dirty son of a bitch» to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Eve Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you that evening. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.