СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Umseshi Obucayi. Umseshi omnandi

Ngemuva kokuqeda umsebenzi, u-Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, njengenjwayelo, wathatha isithombe esisetafuleni enesithombe sikaMongameli osesikhundleni, waphefumula kuso, wasesula esikhwameni sakhe, waqabula umphambili ekhanda lekhanda wasibuyisela endaweni yaso efanele ekhoneni letafula, wasibeka emphemeni wepensela namapeni, irabha namapensela, iphakethe lamaphephandaba okukhangiswa kwamahhala okukhethwa kokuzihlanzela komuntu. Wayezonda iphepha lasendlini yangasese. Mncane futhi umunwe uhlala ubhobozwa kuwo ngalo mzuzu obaluleke kakhulu bese kufanele uwususe. Futhi ukuyinyakazisa endaweni emincane, kunethuba lokuthi umunwe ushaye ibhulokhi lokhuni elingaphakathi lendlu yangasese yomgwaqo waseSoviet futhi uzwe izinhlungu, umzwangedwa wenza ukuthi umunwe ogulayo umunyiswe ngamathe afudumele, esikhundleni salokho ezwe ukunambitheka kwamalongwe akhe, ayewagqoke amahora angama-24, ebeka igumbi lokuphumula ngaphandle kwesikhathi.

Ukusula izithukuthuku ebunzini lakhe, ezinqeni, ezingalweni, emilenzeni nangaphansi kwamaqanda, lapho wafunga khona kanzima, wasebenzisa ithawula lokugeza. Uyabuza: kungani ungelona igwababa? Impendulo ilula: ithawula likhulu futhi lihlala isikhathi eside.

Bekusekude kakhulu, futhi umndeni wawusuphefumula kudala.

U-Ottila, engena engxenyeni yokuhlala yendawo yokuhlala, wangena buthule ekhishini, wathatha imitha emihlanu yelanga esiqandisini. Kuhluthwe ku-huckster yendawo. Wayicindezela esiswini, uthathe nje isoso, lapho kwakubekwa khona ucezwana lokwenza isitshulu, olunywe ngomunye womndeni. Noma mhlawumbe le mbuzi endala, i-Intsephalopath, ebingakaze ixubhe amazinyo impilo yayo yonke futhi imane yaluma umhlathi wayo ngamakhokho.

«Kungakho benginamasosha,» kusho uKlopa, «waqabula u-Isolde, u-Isolde Izyu, kanti u-Izya uqabula izindebe zami ngeminyaka emihlanu kanye nelezi ezine ezivela esikoleni kanye noma kabili ngonyaka. Lokhu akuyona i-pedophilism, eyodwa noma ezimbili … – Kepha amazinyo ka-Incephalopath ayemnyama kakhulu, ama-hemp nezimpande zazihlala zopha, kepha uHarutun akazange abuzwe nakancane. Le nkinga kwi-DNA ayizange imlimaze nakancane, kodwa yaze yasiza ngempumelelo ophenyweni.

U-Ottila ubelukhuni futhi efuna ukubuyisa ipuleti endaweni yakhe, kepha ecindezele imbiza, wanquma ukungayideleli. Ukukhanya kwelanga kukhombisa yonke into. Ngakho-ke washintsha umqondo wakhe waya etafuleni. Kwakunethelevishini encane ekhishini, wayikhanyisa endleleni. Futhi lapho ngisendleleni, ngaya esitobhini segesi ngavula isembozo sepanini, emi ngaku-tiptoe. Iphunga, eqeda kulo, wamane wadakwa u-Ottila futhi wavele wafuna ukulidla. Wathatha ikhabethe: ipuleti, ithebhulethi, umpheki wepelepisi, ummese, isinkwa, imayonesi, ukhilimu omuncu, i-kefir, i-airan, i-kounto, i-ketchup, iqabunga le-bay, i-mug, izinkabi ezimbili: ezinkulu nezincane, futhi, ehlushwa ukubamba ibhalansi yakhe, waya etafuleni, wasukuma wakhathala: zombili izandla zazidlulile, zigcwele kakhulu futhi kuye kwadingeka ukuthi zisebenzise izindololonga. Konke okushaywe kushintshwe kuhamba kancane. U-Ottila wazama ukusunduza ipuleti etafuleni ngekhala lakhe, kepha itafula laliphezulu, futhi izindolowane zakhe zaqala ukuvuvukala. U-Ottila wakhukhumala wabeka yonke into esihlalweni. Wabe esexabana futhi, ecindezela isihlalo ukuze ubone i-TV, imi ngasesitulo, okumanje iphinde ifanelwe itafula njengebamba, ime, ithulule amagremu ayikhulu namashumi amahlanu e-sunlight emgqomeni futhi ikhulule ngokujulile, igcwalise konke ngasikhathi sinye ngesudu eyodwa bese ihambisana nayo ngezwi elikhulu. ukuzwakala komsindo. Wazwakala njengelamula endala, ngaphandle kokungabaza, wabamba ucezu lwensipho eyayihlanganisiwe ngayo yonke eyisihlanu futhi wagoqeka uhhafu kanye namathambo. Amathambo agebha ulaka lwakhe nolimi. Wathula, kepha wabe esekhumbula i-yoga kayise futhi wakhohlwa izinhlungu, njengoba ogogo noma izingane bakhohlwa okhiye nezinye izinto eziyimfihlo. Okulandelayo emgqeni kwakuyisobho. Isobho laliqukethe la ma-mandgents alandelayo: uphizi, i-sauerkraut, amazambane, u-anyanisi othosiwe kanye nezaqathe ku-paste utamatisi, uphondo lukakolweni oluthambile, i-semolina, iqanda lenkukhu elixubekile nocezu olubanjiwe lwegobolondo, umunwe, usayizi womuntu omdala, futhi oluyinhlanganisela yengxenye eyodwa yethambo lenyama elinemithambo. ngaphakathi kwepani. Inyama, ngokusobala, ibidliwe ngaphambili, kumgomo: «emndenini omkhulu… ungachofozi.» Ngokuncela isobho elivele ligugile futhi lalibukeka njengamahhashi, u-Ottila wagoqeka ithambo futhi waphila, ngenkathi efunda izindaba ngokucophelela. Ukukhishwa okulandelayo kwesikhungo sezingcingo bekuso esikrinini se-TV:

– Futhi into ethokozisayo kakhulu, «kusho ummemezeli,» … uthisha oyedwa wase-Irkutsk wayengumuntu othanda uNikolai Vasilyevich Gogol futhi wamane wachitha umsebenzi wakhe, ikakhulukazi umsebenzi «NOS». Impilo yami yonke ngilondoloze imali ngithathe uhambo lokuya eLeningrad (manje eyiSt. Petersburg), lapho kufakwa khona uphawu lwesikhumbuzo enekhala elide eshinini lethusi, elifana noGogolevsky. Kepha uPerestroika waphazamisa onke amacebo; utshale yonke imali ayongile ku-OJSC MMM futhi, njengezigidi zabakhokhi, wasala nomgodi we-donut. Ngemuva kokufudumala futhi ehlukumezeke kakhulu ngenxa yokufikelwa ngumqondo obabazekayo, waphinda waqala ukonga imali yokuthatha uhambo lokuya eSt. Manje iphupho eselilindelwe isikhathi eside lagcwaliseka eminyakeni eyishumi. Wafika enhlokodolobha iqhawe laseSt. Futhi, ngemuva kokuthola ehhovisi lophenyo lapho kunesikhumbuzo sesikhumbuzo esifunwe isikhathi eside, waphuthuma nezinto zokuhamba zomphakathi ngokudluliselwa ezintathu, kungani edluliselwe? Yikho nje ukuthi uMoskvichka wayehleli etafuleni lolwazi, futhi amaMuscovites, ngokungafani noPitertsev, athanda ukuthumela ngenye indlela, njengamanje. Njengoba esefinyelele emahoreni amahlanu ngemuva kwendawo eyayilindelwe isikhathi eside, waqalaza futhi, kodwa engatholanga okufanayo, wanquma ukubuza kubaphathi bamatekisi abaseduze ababheke izisebenzi ezazisuka lapho ezazizokhipha ogogo kuzo:

«Bathandekayo,» ubabizile, omunye wabo waphendula wathi kuye, «ungangitshela ukuthi lesikhumbuzo sikuphi kwaNogog’s NOS?»

– Futhi lapha, – isisebenzi sigqekeze ikhanda lakhe, – ndawo ndawo lapha. – futhi wakhomba odongeni olungenalutho naku-anaanarel: kusukela kulokho okwakukhona kulo kwakukhona izimbobo kuphela odongeni nesipeni esingagxiliwe, usayizi wepuleti elintshontshiwe elinekhala lomuntu wesigaxa. Ugogo wafa ngokushesha ngenxa yokuhlaselwa yisifo senhliziyo. Kulokhu ukudluliswa kwethu kwaphela. Konke okuhle. To

U-Ottila waphuza enye ingilazi waya kolala.

Ebumnyameni obelele embhedeni waconsa phansi futhi wakhwela ukunqoba uhlangothi lomkakhe, owayeshaya ihlombe. Akazange anyakaze. Lapho ekhwela phezu komkakhe futhi ephakathi kodonga nenkosikazi yakhe, wamangala ngokuhlwitha nomoya ophuma ezindebeni zale nxenye ethandekayo. U-Ottila wadonsa umoya kakhulu futhi waphakamisa isifuba sakhe esiphezulu, esikhulu kakhulu kunekhanda lakhe, wanamathela ekhanda ngemuva ngemuva kwekhanda lakhe lapho elele khona umkakhe. Ubeke izindlebe zakhe kwelingaphansi futhi wamboza indlebe engenhla nesifuba sakhe. Ukuhlwitha wanyamalala, futhi waqukula njengomntwana, ngemfudumalo nenduduzo.

Ekuseni uvuke wazilungiselela ngomcamelo. Kwakungekho nkosikazi. Waya endaweni yokuwasha futhi, esezigezile, wembethe ingubo ephelele. Waya emnyango wesango lokungena eStrongpoint, waphatha isibambo, futhi… Umnyango wavuleka kuye ekulesi simo futhi wagxaza, okwamanje wacindezela isibambo somnyango, edonsela u-Ottila esikhaleni seStrongpoint, kube sengathi ngaphandle kwesidalwa somoya. Yandiza yahamba yaya eMount Wife. Isisu esinamabele asigaxwe futhi saphonsa i-precinct emuva.

– Uyini? Izoldushka!? – Wabuza ngokumangala ngempukane futhi ngemuva kwalokho wezwa izinhlungu emhlane ekhanda lakhe, washaya phansi.

– Sula izinyawo zakho, ngageza lapho. wakhonkotha futhi eqhubeka nokumba phansi, eguqa emuva engezansi, emuva kuye. Iphoyisa lizungeze imbongolo yalo, lisula imilenze, lagquma ngezindlebe zonogwaja, langena ehhovisi. Into yokuqala ayenzayo, wagibela esihlalweni, wabe eseya ocingweni olusetafuleni wamsondeza kuye. Wathatha ucingo, wahlala emaphethelweni etafula walubeka endlebeni. Washayela ucingo umphathi wakhe, wanikina imilenze, walinda, wabala izindebe.

– Ullah! – ezwakale ngakolunye uhlangothi lwecingo ngemuva kwezwi lamashumi amahlanu.

– Comrade Marshal? Lokhu kubiza uMnu. District General Klop.

– Ahhhh… nguwe lowo? – UComrade Marshall wayengajabulanga, – izinto zinjani endaweni entsha? Awuzange ufonele isikhathi eside, uqale ukhohlwe ukuthi ngubani… u … eh, okuphakelayo.

– Cha, unjani, Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. Akunasizathu sokuphazamisa ikhanda lakho likhulile ngeze.

– Baska, uthi, umfushane?

– Uh… cha, ngiyaxolisa, vuka ikhanda.

– Kulungile, ake sibheke ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, mayelana nezindinganiso zabangaphansi nabanikazi. Yebo, yini onayo, into ebalulekile?

– Yebo!!!

– Yini oyikhohlisayo, i-pygmy akuyona isiRussia?

– Uxolo, yebo.

– Kulungile, sizokhuluma ngemikhawulo yesilinganiso esamukelekayo sezingxoxo zocingo, esamukelwa ekufundweni kokuqala komhlangano owisishayamthetho waseMoscow naseRussia.. Futhi-ke, kuthiwani ngawe, Sneak Bug? Futhi wozani masinyane, ngephuze umhlangano.

– Ubuke izolo kusihlwa kukhishwa olandelayo weSikhungo Sezingcingo?

– Cha, ngine-DiViDishka. Futhi yini?

– ESt. Petersburg, kwebiwe itshe lesikhumbuzo eNose.

– Futhi yini?

– Ngithanda ukuphenya leli cala, uma ungangivumela, O Hon. Mnu.

– Yini enye ekhaleni, akekho noyedwa ongibikele yona, khuluma ngokukhanyayo. Yisiphi isikhumbuzo esinqunywe umlomo?

– Well, noGogol..

– Anqamule ekhaleni likaGogol?

– Cha, uGogol unendaba nge-FNL.

– Futhi yini?

– Kuhlonishwa le ndaba, kwakhiwa itshe lesikhumbuzo eSt. Futhi ngiyazi ukuthi ngubani owenze lokho.

– Awunakhaya noma yini? Akekho omunye. Ungubhedu. Futhi ufunani kimi?

– Qeda leli bhizinisi, ikheji.

– Ngakho-ke xakeka, yini inkinga? Kepha kuphela ngesikhathi sakho samahhala.

– Kepha ngizodinga izindleko, izindleko zokuhamba, ukudla, indawo yokuhlala amahhotela, ukugibela amatekisi.

– M-yebo. Kwakudingeka ukuqala ngalokhu. Lokho nje ukufika eSt. Ungasishintsha esiteshini noma, okubi kakhulu, endaweni engenamakhaya engaphansi. Uyoshwabadela ngabo. Emadolobheni nezinyawo ungahamba ngezinyawo zase-St. Akunamali kwisabelomali ngize ngiqede ukwakha leli kheji. Hhayi-ke, uyangiqonda?

– Futhi kusuka kudeski lwemali le-Strongpoint yami? Ngikhethe lapha inhlawulo kubalimi abahlangene.

– Futhi kuningi?

– Yebo, sekwanele okokuqala.

– Kulungile. Yithathe ku-akhawunti. Uma uxazulula inkinga, ngizokukhokhela izindleko zamarisidi okuthengisa, kodwa cha?! Akukona ukuthi ngithathe isinqumo, ngoba imali isesidlangalaleni.

– Kuhle, Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. Vele, anginaso isikhathi esincane, kepha ngiza nokuthile. – U-Ottila wabeka phansi ifoni walala etafuleni, izingalo zeluliwe.

– Nangu, ibhizinisi elisha! Manje bazothola ngami ePetrovka 38.

Kuvulwe umnyango, nobukhulu obukhulu buka-Isolde Fifovna, nengxenye yakhe enkulu.

– Uyodla? – ubuze ngobumnene, – futhi ungagxili etafuleni, ngiyisule futhi.

– Ngizoba nokudla kwasekuseni lapha!

– Kusho ukuthini LAPHA? Ngabe nginjengomlindi noma okuthile? Iya ekhishini udle njengawo wonke umuntu. Ngeke ngithwale.

– Ngingathanda, kodwa uMarshall kufanele angishayele ucingo.

– Marshal? Ngingasho njalo. Bese ulinda. Indodana izoletha manje okusele. Bese wehla etafuleni, uSherlock Holmes… Hahaha … – wahleka wangena engxenyeni yesibili yendlu.

Kuvulwe isicabha sangaphambili komgwaqo, kwathi uCorporate Incephalopath wavele emnyango.