СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Umseshi Obucayi. Umseshi omnandi

© StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky, 2020

ISBN 978-5-4498-0281-1

Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero

Sawubona

Masinyane qhubekela phambili ekuchazeni ababambiqhaza abaphambili ezenzakalweni ezihlongozwe yimina kulesi sigaba samacala.

Owokuqala ohlwini nguMajor General Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop. Kubo bonke abamzungezile, wayengeyona ukukhula okujwayelekile – amashumi ayisishiyagalolunye nesishiyagalolunye nesishiyagalolunye.

Uyabuza: «Kepha wamukelwa kanjani ezinhlwini zabaqaphi be-oda, ngemuva kwakho konke, ngemuva kwemitha eyodwa nesigamu ngeke bamukelwe ebuthweni, futhi ngaphandle kwebutho ngeke bathathwe ukuba ngabaqaphi …". Kepha yena – icala elikhethekile: Unina nabazali bakhe babemkhonze esikhundleni sikababa wakhe, izakhamizi ezijwayelekile zeRussian Federation, ezazinezimpande zobuJuda. Kungukuthi umama wakhe, owake waba seminyakeni eyinkulungwane eyedlule, lapho umhlaba wawungasasebenzisi amakhompyutha yonke indawo kanye ne-Great Soviet Union, wazihlanganisa ngokuzithandela nezinhlaka zemikhosi yamazwe aphesheya, umsebenzi wayo okwakuwukuhlanza abagulayo ngemuva kokukhipha ithipeworm. Futhi lokhu kwenzeka ezweni elithile lase-Afrika futhi izizwe zakudala zama-pygmies ase-Central African kwatholakala ukuthi ziyagula, esinye sazo, noma kunalokho umholi uqobo, nguMdala Omkhulu, iminyaka eyizinkulungwane eziyikhulu namashumi amabili yekhalenda lakhe mdala, futhi njengoba ontanga bakhe bekhale (bafa) kudala, ngakho-ke, labo abakhumbula ukuzalwa kwakhe babengekho futhi wayekwazi ukuthi umama wakhe uyiLanga, futhi uyise uyiNyanga, njll. njll.. Yebo, umama wesikhathi esizayo ka-Ottila wayengakholelwa kule nganekwane, kodwa akazange acasuke, wamane wamomotheka futhi wavuma ngekhanda ku-Great Old-Timer yawo wonke amadoda oMhlaba. Ngemuva kokuthi yena, esathole ukuphathwa ngumholi, bebezama okumangazayo okumangazayo: amehlo e-bison othosiwe ku-garlic kasoso, ehogela amaqanda endlovu enoshukela we-chocolate, ibhisikidi elisha legazi lomsizi osanda kuphulukana no-Ivan Kozimovich Pupkin osanda kuqala kanye nojusi wezithelo weCoca kolwesithathu… Ngokujwayelekile, umama okhulelwe uvukile futhi impilo yakhe yayingasenandaba.

Futhi ngokomthetho wesizwe samaPygmy, ukuphakama okuphakathi kwesosha kanye nomqaphi we-oda bekungamasentimitha angamashumi ayisishiyagalombili futhi kungabi ngaphezu kwamamitha amahlanu nesigamu amasentimitha, kunjalo, uyiswe emaphoyiseni abo futhi wathunyelwa nokushintshana ngolwazi eRussia. Ngakho-ke wahlala kwinkonzo: wayethola indawo yokuhlala unomphela, njenganoma yisiphi isisebenzi esivakashayo, futhi njengoba eyisakhamuzi saseRussia Federation ngasikhathi sinye, akekho owayengamxosha. Ngamafuphi, konke kungenzeka ezweni lethu, ikakhulukazi imali. Kepha bekufanele adlule ekuqeqeshweni kwezempi noyise esizweni agcwalise indlovu esivivinyweni. Lokhu kuvezwe embhalweni owethulwe endaweni yezimfuno, obuthelwe esiswini sika-Ottila uvunyelwe yi-UNESCO. Kuyiqiniso, omunye umbhalo wawunamathiselwe kuwo, yize wawungekho emthethweni, wawubukeka njengekhulu lamakhulu ayikhulu. Futhi ngaphezulu kakhulu embhalweni oyinhloko kukhonjisiwe ukuthi wayesebenzela isikhundla samabutho amasosha esifundeni esenyakatho naseningizimu yesizwe esibizwa ngeNakatika Ui Buka. Vele, le ndondo yanikezwa yona ngenxa kayise ngempilo, ikakhulukazi njengoba isizwe sabo sasohlwini lwemikhosi ye-UN.

U-Ottila osemncane uthole lesi sigameko esilandelayo ekusebenzeni kwesizwe, ngokunemba, wadlula izivivinyo ku: umnsalo, waphonsa i-tomahawk, «ekhuphuka iziqu», ezamvumela ukuthi akhuphuke, omabili kuma-verticals asezingeni nangezinduna. Wayengaphonsa futhi imilenze yomibili phezu kwezakhe noma zabanye izindlebe, futhi, ebambe phansi zombili izandla, akwazi ukudansa umdanso wompompi, enze okokuphindeka kathathu phezulu, eceleni kwendlela, phambili, emuva abuyele ngaphandle ngaphandle kokuthinta phansi. Wafunda ukufuya amakati, izinja nezinye izilwane eziwolayo nezidlayo, kufaka phakathi omiyane, izimbungulu, izintwala namabhere amnyama.

Ngemuva kokuthi u-Ottila ethunyelwe ngesicelo sakhe uqobo futhi ngenxa yokugula kukanina, wathunyelwa eMnyangweni Wezangaphakathi njengoMabhalane – owayengusondelene noMarshall, ayengakaze ambone ngamehlo akhe, kodwa wezwa izwi lakhe emsakazweni nangocingo olukhethekile. Ngemuva kweminyaka engamashumi amathathu nambili, wadluliselwa edolobhaneni laseSokolov Ruchey, eLeningrad Region, naseSt. Petersburg, ujantshi waseLyuban, ngenxa yokuncishiswa kwezinto zokusebenza kwezokuphatha.

Babemenzela umpheme, isikole esake sasebenza. Ingxenye yokuqala yendlu yayihlala ezakhiweni zezindlu, kwathi eyesibili yayihloswe njengendawo eqinile.

Bese kuthi u-Ottila Aligadzhievich ahlala ehhovisi lakhe abhale ikota, bese ngokushesha, umbiko wonyaka. Uyashesha, wenza amaphutha, udidanisa amagama ngezilimi, futhi wayazi inqwaba yazo, kufaka phakathi: isiFulentshi, izinhlanga zomdabu, izilimi ezinhlanu ezihlukene zaseSoviet, isiLatin, isiRashiya esikhulunywayo, izincwadi zesiRussia, i-fenya yaseRussia, isiRussia engenakhaya.

Uyabhala, abhale, bese indodana yendodana eyishumi iza ehhovisi lakhe:

– Ubaba? – Ngobuntwana wabuza indodana u-Izya eneminyaka eyikhulu ubudala.

– Yini, ndodana? – ngaphandle kokuphakamisa ikhanda, uphendule ubaba wamashumi ayisishiyagalolunye nesishiyagalolunye wabakwa-Ottil.

– Ubaba..? – U-Izya angabaze. Ubaba wayesabhala.

– … kahle, khuluma?! kubuza ubaba.

– Baba, ngibheke ibhokisi lapha, huh?!

– Futhi yini?

– Amanye amagama angicacile kimi lapho…

U-Ottila wabheka indodana yakhe ngendlela yobaba, ngaphandle kokwehlisa ikhanda, wathatha imilenze yakhe esihlalweni esikhethekile esinezitebhisi ezitebhisini emilenzeni eseceleni, wasukuma, waguquka wayohlala etafuleni. Ngenhliziyo wabheka phansi indodana yakhe ngokusebenzisa izibuko, wayibeka phansi esicongweni secala lakhe wayibuza, wayibuka ngamehlo endodana yakhe futhi engaphakamisanga ikhanda lakhe, okwenze ikhanda lakhe lalimala nentamo yakhe yashona. Wabheka wonke umuntu kusukela phansi kuya phezulu. Kuphinde kwehle nesikhundla sakhe sokuba yisakhamuzi. Futhi ngisho nangaphezulu phambi kwendodana eyakhula njengomntwana ojwayelekile. Futhi manje, ehleli etafuleni, wayekwazi ngisho nokugquma amashiya akhe amnyama.

– Futhi yimaphi amagama ongakuqondi wena ndodana?

– Well..: UMongameli, Amandla athile, i-FSB.. kuyini? Asikaze sidlule emlandweni. Ngabe kunjalo, ngemikhumbi.

– Noma uyisikole sokufundela ngalesi sikhathi sokufunda. – Ubaba wamamatheka, wakhumula izingilazi zakhe wazinamathisela okhalweni, wavele wazincika phezulu etafuleni. Ishaye indodana yakhe ehlombe nangesinye isandla yamhlikihla ngekhanda elikhulu eliyimpandla, elalingeyena umuntu.

– Yebo, lalela, – ubaba wabubula, – uMongameli emndenini wethu yimi, amanye Amandla ngonyoko. Hhayi-ke, uyazi, ukuthi wenzani… Akuvumi ukugxila, kuhlolwa izifundo.

«Amaphilisi,» wengeza u-Izya.

– ayondli, kepha ilungisa ukudla. – engeza ubaba.

– Bese kuthi ubani owondlayo?

Ubaba wabheka ngakwesobunxele esweni likamkhulu wakhe onamehlo amancanyana, wabe esengena ngakwesobunxele ngamehlo, indodana yakhe ayithola kugogo wakhe omkhulu, bathi wayengumShayina, kodwa kwaba yiRussia kuphela. Umkakhe kanjalo; ukuphakama, isisindo nobubanzi besinqe ngamakhulu amabili. Unezinwele ezimhlophe futhi unamehlo aluhlaza okwesibhakabhaka ngaphandle, ngokungafani nobaba onamehlo abomvu.

– Nginondla nonke! – ngokuziqhenya ngezwi eliphansi ubaba waphendula futhi wakhipha isifuba. Ubuso bakhe bahlakanipha kakhulu.

– Ubani ugogo? – kubuza indodana, ithatha ikhala.

– Ungakhethi ikhala lakho ndodana, namuhla alilona usuku lomvukuzi, – futhi wasusa isandla sakhe ekhanda lendodana yakhe, -.. ugogo wethu yi-KGB. KGB yendabuko yakudala.

– Yini i-KGB? – USonny ukhathazekile.

Ubaba ukhiphe isandla sendodana yakhe futhi, ebuka indodana yakhe, ibukeka njengenqama esangweni elisha, esithombeni seDzerzhinsky.

– I-KGB iyefana ne-FSB. Mdala nje ugogo. Futhi kulungile, hhayi njengamanje, yonke into yonakele… Ngokuvamile, ugogo yi-FSB…

– I-KGB … – indodana ilungisa, kwathi isisonge isishubhu eyomile ezinzulwini zamakhala, wakhipha, wayibheka, wayiluma imvuthu, wayikhipha, yaqhuma ikhala lakhe. – phew.., usawoti.

– UNGAYI kudla i-roe ukuthi unyoko akakondli?! – ubaba wathukuthela.

– Cha, uyondla.

– Ngenza imali kwi-feed. Futhi umama uyapheka futhi ondle kulokhu engikutholile. Ngiyitholile?

– Yamukelwe, iqondiwe, yamukelwa…

– Wenze kahle, uyihlo, nawe …?

Indodana yasukuma ekhawuntara yakwaSIMIRNO, njengoba umpristi wayemkhuze.

– Wenze kahle esitebeleni, kodwa ngikwenze kahle.!!..

– .. Asshole… heh heh heh… Salaga. – U-Otila ushaye ikhanda emuva kwendodana yakhe ngobumnene, kodwa u-Izya wasuka wasondelana ngqo nasesinqeni (ekhaleni) likayise, njengoba ayefundisa.

– Uh..– U-Ottila waqhuma phezulu, efihle izinhlungu, isandla sakhe sinye kuphela, futhi amehlo akhe esula izinyembezi, – Ngakho-ke, ingabe umama uyondla noma cha?

– Izinceku. Udla ukudla okumnandi … – indodana yaqala ukukhetha endlebeni yakhe yesobunxele … – Bese kuthi udadewethu futhi ubani?

– Wena nawe dadewethu?.. Futhi nina NABANTU! -ubaba wamamatheka wagqoka izibuko zakhe, wehla etafuleni waya esihlalweni wabhala ngokubhala, eguqa phansi waze waphakama.

– Futhi kusho ukuthini-ke lokho ku-AUTHORITY yethu, kulelo sonto… lokhu… kufike omunye uMongameli …, waseMelika, i-KGB ilele, futhi abantu bakhathazekile?

– Yini enye umongameli onjalo? – Amehlo kababa aphuma ephuma ngaphansi kwengilazi.

– Nalena evala ngoNamandla egumbini lapho uhlala endlini yangasese amahora amathathu,..

– Bese kuthiwani?

– .. ke-ke, bayahleka futhi baphume, njengamakati ngoMashi emigwaqweni ebusuku, bese begcwala njengezingulube lapho bengathathi hlangothi. Bese uphuma – emva kokugeza – ezimanzi.

– Futhi ngikuphi ngalesi sikhathi? – ubaba wethuka.

– Futhi usahlala ethoyilethi ihora lonke.., bese-ke, njengokujwayelekile, kumemeza: «Letha iphepha!!!».

– Lapha, ipiss!!. – ukuphunyula ebusheni bamazinyo kaGeneral Klop.

– Futhi yini i- «bitch»?

– Ungabe usasho lokho. Kulungile?

– Kuqondwe, kwamukelwa, Amen. – Ngiphinde ngavuka, ekhawuntini ye-Izza.

– Unomsebenzi wokulwa, ukuthola ukuthi lo Mongameli wesibili ungubani.

– Usetholakele. Lona ongaphansi kwakho – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich.

– Indoda endala le? Uneminyaka emashumi amathathu kuye, futhi umdala kunami ngamashumi amane nantathu. Sawubona… lesi yisiwula, ngabe uyisihlobo?! – UKlop waphawula phezulu waqala ukubhala okunye.

– Ha ha ha ha!!!! – Ngemuva kwesikhashana, ubaba wami wavele waqhuma futhi wacishe waqhuma esihlalweni sakhe. Yileyo ndlela ahleka ngayo, ukuthi ngisho igama elicekiwe alinakuchazwa, ngamanyala kuphela. Kepha wabambelela ehlombe lendodana yakhe. – Hawu, ha, kulungile, hamba, kufanele ngisebenze, futhi lo omunye uMongameli unamaqanda enkukhu efrijini lakhe emaphaketheni nasezicathulweni.

– U-Hee-hee, – U-Izya uhlaselwe buthule, – mhlawumbe ne-cactus?

– Ngabe ufunani…

Indodana yajabula futhi yabalekela engxenyeni yokuqala yendlu.

Umshushisi wesibili futhi umsizi wokuqala wamaphoyisa esifundeni, uCorpor Intsefalopat Harutun Karapetovich, owayengumbhali wesifo sokuqina, uthole umsebenzi wokuthatha umhlalaphansi ophakathi nendawo, ngenxa yomka-Ottila, u-Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. Wayemude kathathu kunomphathi wakhe futhi emncane amahlandla amahlanu kunowenkosikazi yakhe. Ikhala livinjelwe, njengokhozi namadevu, njengoBudyonny noma uBarmaley. Sekukonke, indodana yangempela yezintaba, okuthe ekuqaleni kwePerestroika, yehlela usawoti, yakhubeka futhi yaqagela endaweni eyi-gorge, khona lapho emotweni yemithwalo evulekile ngaphandle kophahla, ngamalahle avela eTbilisi-SPb isitimela sezimpahla. Esiteshini, uLyuban waphaphama wagxuma. Usebenze lapha nalaphaya waze wahlangana nonkosikazi wamaphoyisa wesifunda ngenkathi ephuza. Wamncoma njengomzala ovela eCaucasus.