Виктор Миловидов - Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

to get hitполучать удар

local watering holeместная забегаловка (досл. местная дыра, где можно промочить горло)

to shake one's headкачать головой

to get drunkнапиваться пьяным

a couple of timesпару раз

slam open the doorс грохотом открывать дверь

1.Answer the questions to the text:

1. When did the guy get home?

2. Why did he park a block away from home?

3. What did he do not to make a noise on the stairs?

4. What did he get hit by?

5. Who did he tell this story the next day?

6. What were they doing in the watering hole?

7. Who does his friend borrow a Harley from?

8. In what way does he drive the Harley?

9. Where does he take the bike?

10. What does he scream when he enteres the door?

11. Why is his wife always asleep?

2.Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Trying to _______ the little woman, he parks a block away.

2. He takes off his shoes, _______ not to make a noise.

3. He quietly opens the door and _______ into the room.

4. He gets hit by a _______ pan.

5. He tells the story to a friend at the local _______ hole.

6. His best friend _______ shakes his head.

7. I go _______ my bud's Harley.

8. I take the Harley rat up on the _______.

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. A guy is real drunk and gets home real late.

2. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks quite near his home.

3. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room.

4. When I get drunk I go borrow my bud's F-16 and go screamin' up and down my block a couple of times.

5. I take the Harley rat up on the porch.

6. I slam open the door and scream, «I'm the man of the house.»

7. My wife is always away.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Он снимает свои ботинки, когда идет по лестнице.

2. Он тихо открывает дверь и идет на цыпочках в комнату.

3. Он получает удар сковородой.

4. Его лучший друг печально качает головой.

5. Так вот как это делаю я.

6. Я гоню Харлея прямо на крыльцо.

7. Я с грохотом открываю дверь и кричу.

8. Моя жена всегда спит.

Грамотная английская речь, как и речь русская, подчиняется огромному количеству правил, в том числе и правил стилистических. Избегая нарушения этих правил, мы говорим правильно. Вместе с тем в разговорной речи встречается огромное количество нарушений стилистической нормы.

Так, следующие предложения содержат одну и ту же конструкцию – причастный оборот, относящийся к подлежащему. Но в первом случае этот оборот использован правильно, во втором – с нарушениями.

1. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home…

2. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head…

Найдите, в чем состоит нарушение правила (при затруднениях обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию; раздел 18).

6. Transform the sentenses according to the rules when necessary:

1. Having got drunk, the guy came home real late.

2. Trying to avoid the little woman, his car is left a block away from his home.

3. Walking up the stairs, he tries his best not to make a noise.

4. Opening quietly the door and tiptoeing into the room, his wife hits him by a frying pan.

5. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head.

6. Taking the Harley rat up on the porch, I start screamin' and a cussin'.

7. Slamming open the door and screamin', his wife is always asleep.

7. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (а…) избегать, 2. (t…) идти на цыпочках, 3. (b…) брать взаймы, 4. (1… ) местный, 5. (m… ) беспорядок, 6. (е… ) выставка, 7. (е… ) возбуждение, 8. (f… ) парень, 9. (а… ) обезьяна, 10. (s… ) без рукавов.

8. Render the joke.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, «Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?»

The third fellow says, «I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.»

The first two guys were amazed. «Wow! What happened then?» they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!' "

Study the words and expressions given below:

controlконтроль, власть

pubпаб, пивная

amountобъем, величина

to remainоставаться

swallowглоток (пива, воды, вина)

healthy swallowбольшой глоток

beerпиво

to sighвздыхать

to utterпроизносить

to fightсражаться, драться

Get out!Убирайся! Вылезай!

after a whileчерез некоторое время

what sort of?какого типа? какого вида?

the other nightна днях вечером

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many guys were there in the pub?

2. What did they drink there?

3. What were two of them talking about?

4. What question was the third guy asked?

5. In what way had the third guy's wife come to him one of the nights?

6. What did she say to her husband?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Two of the guys are talking about the _______ of control they had over their wives.

2. The third guy _______ quiet.

3. After a _______ one of the first two guys turned to the third one.

4. What _______ of control do you have over your wife?

5. Just the _______ night my wife came to me.

6. The first two guys were _______ .

7. The third man took a healthy _______ of his beer.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

2. Какого размера власть ты имеешь над своей женой?

3. Третий парень хранил молчание.

4. Через некоторое время один из первых двоих повернулся к третьему.

5. Ну, а как насчет тебя?

6. Как раз на днях вечером моя жена приползла ко мне на четвереньках.

7. Что случилось потом?

«Get out from under the bed!» — приказала жена третьему из парней, сидящих в баре. Слово get может использоваться и в других словосочетаниях, проявляя поразительную многозначность. Проверьте свое языковое чутье в отношении этого слова. При необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 19).

6.Read the text one more time and substitute the word «to get» for any verb that seems to have about the same meaning.

7.Render the joke.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.»

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, «Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»

The old man replied, «No problem at all, Pastor.»

«Congratulations! Welcome to the church!» said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, «Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»

The man replied, «The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but… yes we made it.»

«Congratulations! Welcome to the church!» said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, «Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»

«No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,» the young man replied sadly.

«What happened?» inquired the pastor.

«My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.»

«You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,» stated the pastor.

«We know,» said the young man, «we're not welcome at the local supermarket anymore either.»