СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Umcuphi ophambeneyo. Umcuphi ohlekisayo

Uwugqibile umsebenzi, u-Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, njengamaxesha onke, wathabatha umfanekiso ohleli etafileni kunye nomfanekiso kaMongameli ongafezekanga, waphefumlela phezulu, wawususa engalweni yakhe, wancuma umphambili wakhe kwisithsaba sentloko, wawubeka kwindawo yakhe efanelekileyo kwikona efanelekileyo yetafile, wayifaka ecaleni kwepensile ngeepeni, irabha, neepensile, Ipakethi yamaphephandaba ekhethiweyo asimahla acocekileyo acocekileyo. Wayethiyile iphepha lokuya ngasese. Yinto emincinci kwaye umnwe uhlala ugqojozwa ngalo ngawona mzuzu ubalulekileyo kwaye kuya kufuneka uyisuse. Kwaye ukuyishukumisa kwindawo emxinwa, kukho ithuba lomnwe wokubetha ibhloko yokhuni yangaphakathi kwigumbi lokuhlala laseSoviet elivisayo kunye nokuva iintlungu, isimo sengqondo sakhe senza ukuba umnwe ogulayo ugalelwe ngamathe afudumeleyo, endaweni yoko uve incasa yakhe, neyayinxibe iiyure ezingama-24, ebeka igumbi lokuphumla ngaphandle kwexesha.

Ukusula ukubila ebunzini lakhe, emaphepheni, ezingalweni, emilenzeni nangaphantsi kwamaqanda, apho wafunga khona nzima, wasebenzisa ithawula lokuhlamba. Uyabuza: kutheni ungayi rag? Impendulo ilula: ithawula likhulu kwaye lihlala ixesha elide.

Kwakusekuhlwile, kwaye usapho lwalusele luphefumla kudala. U-Ottila, engena kwindawo yokuhlala kule ndlu, bathula cwaka bangena ekhitshini, bathatha itoti yeelitha ezintlanu yokukhanya kwelanga kwifriji. Uhluthwe kwi-huckster yendawo. Wayicinezela esiswini, uthathe nje isoso, apho iqhekeza le-herring, elilunywe yenye yekhaya. Okanye mhlawumbi le bhokhwe indala, i-Intsephalopath, ebingakhange ibrashe amazinyo ubomi bayo bonke kwaye ilume umhlathi wayo nge-caries.

«Kungenxa yoko le nto bendine-caries,» watsho uKlopa, «wamanga u-Isolde, u-Isolde Izyu, u-Izya usoloko esanga imilebe yam kangangeminyaka emihlanu kunye nesine eziswa esikolweni kanye okanye kabini ngonyaka. Le ayisiyo pedophilism, inye okanye zimbini … – Kodwa amazinyo e-Incephalopath ubukhulu becala amnyama, i-hemp kunye neengcambu zihlala ziphalaza igazi, kodwa uHarutun akazange abuva zintlungu kwaphela. Esi siphene kwiDNA asimenzakalanga nakanye, kodwa sada sanceda ngempumelelo kuphando.

U-Ottila watyibilika wafuna ukubuyisela ipleyiti endaweni yakhe, kodwa ecaphuka embizeni, wagqiba ekubeni angayideli. Ukukhanya kwelanga kubulala iintsholongwane yonke into. Utshintshe ingqondo, waya etafileni. Kwakukho umabonakude omncinci ekhitshini, kwaye wayikhanyisa endleleni. Apha endleleni, ndiye kwisitovu segesi ndavulela isivalo sepani, ndimi kwi-tiptoe. Iphunga, ekuphelileyo kulo, wayeka ukunxila u-Ottila kwaye wayefuna ngoko nangoko ukutya. Wathatha ikhabhathi: isitya, itafile, ipepile, umngqusho, isonka, imayonesi, ukhilimu omuncu, i-kefir, i-airan, i-kounto, ketchup, igqabi le-bay, i-mug, iicontons ezimbini: ezinkulu nezincinci, kwaye, bezabalaza ukubamba ibhalansi yakhe, waya etafileni, waphakama wadinwa: izandla zozibini zidlulile, zigcwele kakhulu nditsho ndisebenzisa ii-elbows. Yonke into edwelisiweyo ihamba kancinci. U-Ottila wazama ukutyhala iplate etafileni ngempumlo yakhe, kodwa itafile yayiphezulu, kwaye iingqiniba zayo zaqala ukudumba. U-Ottila wakhukhumala kwaye wabeka yonke into kwisitulo. Emva koko waxambulisana kwaye, ecofa isitulo ukuze ubone umabonakude, emi ngakwisitulo, esidla ngokusebenza njenge tafile ebambeleyo, sime, sagalela ikhulu elinamanci mahlanu eekhilitha zenyanga kwilanga lokuphumla saza saziphalaza ngokunzulu, sigcwalisa yonke ngaxeshanye nges swig esinye kwaye sihamba kunye nesandi Isandi gurgling. Wacaphuka njengelamuni yakudala, ngaphandle kokuthandabuza, wabamba isiqwenga se-herring ehlanganisiweyo kunye nesihlanu sayo yonke kwaye waxhuma nesiqingatha kunye namathambo. Iithambo zembiwe kulwimi lwalo kunye nolwimi. Ubuye wancama, kodwa emva koko wakhumbula i-yoga kayise kwaye wayilibala intlungu, njengoko oogogo okanye abantwana balibale izitshixo kunye nezinye izinto ezingabalulekanga. Okulandelayo emgceni yayikhona isobho. Isuphu iqulathe ezi ntlobila zilandelayo: i-peas, i-sauerkraut, iitapile, i-anyanisi egayiweyo kunye ne-carrots kwi-paste yetamatato, iimpondo zengqolowa ezithambileyo, i-semolina, iqanda lenkukhu elixubileyo kunye nesiqwenga sokubamba igobolondo, isiphatho somunwe, ubungakanani bomntu okhulileyo, kwaye linongwe ngeqhekeza elinye lethambo kwinyama ene-veins kumgangatho wepani. Inyama, ekucacileyo, yayityiwa ngaphambili, kumgaqo: «kusapho olukhulu… sukucofa.» Ngokuncanca isobho esiswini esidumbileyo kwaye ijongeka njengamahashe, u-Ottila ubethelwe esiseleni kwaye waphila, ngelixa efumana iindaba ngononophelo. Imagazini elandelayo yeZiko leeFowuni yayikwisikrini seTV:

– Kwaye yeyona nto inomdla, umthengisi uqhubeke wathi, «… utitshala omnye u-Irkutsk wayengumntu othanda uNikolai Vasilyevich Gogol kwaye bawushiya umsebenzi wakhe, ngakumbi umsebenzi u» NOS». Ubomi bam bonke ndonga imali yohambo oluya eLeningrad (ngoku eyiSt. Petersburg), apho kwakumiswe khona ilitye lesikhumbuzo elinempumlo ende kwiphepha lobhedu, elifana neGogolevsky. Kodwa uPerestroika waphazamisa zonke izicwangciso; utyale imali yakhe yonke kwi-OJSC yeMM kwaye, njengezigidi zediphozithi, wasala nomngxuma we-donut. Akuba efudumele kwaye ehlupheke kakubi ngumgaqo obanzi we-Myocardial, waphinda waqala ukonga imali yokuthatha uhambo oluya e-St. Kwaye iphupha ekudala lalindelwe lazaliseka kwiminyaka elishumi. Weza kwidolophu elikhulukazi iqhawe laseSt. Kwaye, akuba efumanisile kwi-ofisi yokubuza apho sikhona isikhumbuzo esifunwayo kunye nolindelwe kudala, wakhawuleza weza nezinto ezothutho lukawonke-wonke ngokutshintshela ezintathu, kutheni etshintshile? Kukuba uMoskvichka wayehleli kwidesika yolwazi, kwaye iiMuscovites, ngokungafaniyo nePitertsev, zithanda ukuthumela ngenye indlela, njengeli xesha. Ukufika kwakhe kwiiyure ezintlanu emva kwendawo eyayilindelwe kudala, wajonga ecaleni, engafumani nto injalo, wagqiba kwelokuba acele amagosa asebupoliseni akufutshane ukuba aqwalasele abasebenzi abahamba abafudukayo abaza kubakhulula oomakhulu kubo:

«Bathandekayo, ubabizile, omnye wabo uphendule wajonga kuye,» ungandixelela ukuba siphi na ilitye lesikhumbuzo eliseGogol’s NOS?»

– Kwaye apha, – umsebenzi wajija intloko yakhe, – kwindawo ethile apha. -kwatsho eludongeni kunye nase -anaanarel: ukusuka kwindawo ekwakukho kuyo imingxunya eludongeni kunye nesinyithi esingafakwanga, ubungakanani beplathi ebiwe ngempumlo yomntu. Ugogo wasweleka ngoko nangoko ngenxa yesifo sentliziyo. Kwaphela oku kudluliswa kwethu. Konke okuhle. Ku

UOttila wasela enye iglasi waza walala.

Ebumnyameni ecaleni kwebhedi uye watyhila kwaye wakhwela eyohlula kwicala lomfazi wakhe, owayenuka eqhuqha. Akashukumi. Xa wakhwela phezu komfazi wakhe kwaye wayephakathi eludongeni kunye nenkosikazi yakhe, wamangaliswa kukudakumba kunye nomoya ovela kwimilebe yesiqingatha esihle. U-Ottila waphefumlela phezulu umoya kwaye waphakamisa isifuba sakhe sangaphezulu, esincinci kunentloko yakhe, wanamathela entloko ngasemva kwentloko yakhe ukuya ekuthandeni komfazi wakhe. Ubeke indlebe yakhe ngezantsi kwaye wayigquma indlebe ephezulu ngesifuba. Ukuqhwanyaza wanyamalala, kwaye waguqa okomntwana, ngobushushu kunye nokuthuthuzela.

Ekuseni uvuke waxinana phezu komqamelo. Kwakungekho mfazi. Uye kwigumbi lokuhlambela kwaye uhlambe impahla yakhe, enxibe iimpahla zonke. Uye kumnyango wendlela yokungena kweStrongpoint, waphatha isiphatho, kwaye… Ucango luvulwe kuye bekule meko kwaye waxhuzula, ngeli xesha wacinezela isiphatho somnyango, ehambisa u-Ottila kwisithuba seStrongpoint, ngokungathi ngaphandle kwesidalwa somoya. Wabhabha wangena ngaphakathi waya e-Mount Wife. Isisu esine amabele axhonyiwe kwaye saphosa i-precinct.

– Uyintoni? Izoldushka!? -Ubuzile wothuswa yimpukane kwaye emva koko weva iintlungu ngasemva kwentloko yakhe, wabetha phantsi.

– Sula iinyawo zakho, ndiye ndahlamba apho. wakhonkotha kwaye uqhubela phambili ukuthoba umgangatho, egobe ngasemva ngezantsi, umva kuye. Ipolisa lajikeleza iesile lakhe, lazisula imilenze, lazinxiba iindlebe zomvundla, zangena eofisini. Into yokuqala ayenzileyo, wakhwela esitulweni, emva koko wahamba waya kwifowuni etafileni kwaye wamsondeza kuye. Utsho ethatha ifowuni, ehleli ecaleni kwe tafile wayibeka endlebeni. Utsalele umnxeba umnxeba womphathi wakhe, washukumisa imilenze, walinda, wabala i-beeps.

– Ullah! -iviwe kwelinye icala locingo emva kwetyala elinamashumi amahlanu.

– Comrade Marshal? Oku kubiza uMnu. General District Clop.

– Ahhhh… nguwe lowo? -I-Comrade uMarshall yayingathandekiyo, -zenzeka njani izinto endaweni entsha? Awuzange ubize ixesha elide, uqale ulibale ukuba ngubani… u… um, uyondla.

– Hayi, uyintoni, Exusendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. Akukho sizathu sakuphazamisa intloko yakho endala ngaphandle.

– Baska, utsho, umfanyana?

– Uh… hayi, uxolo, intloko.

– Kulungile, masifumanise kamva, malunga nendlela yokuziphatha kwabangaphantsi nabanini. Kulungile, yintoni onayo, into ebalulekileyo?

– Ewe!!!

– Yintoni le uyithukayo, i-pygmy ayisiRussia?

– Uxolo, ewe.

– Kulungile, siza kuphinda sithethe ngemida yenqanaba elamkelekileyo lengxoxo ngocingo, eyamkelwe kufundo lokuqala lwendibano yowiso-mthetho eMoscow naseRussia.. Kwaye, uthini ngawe, Sneak Bug? Nize nikhawuleze, ndilibele ukuya entlanganisweni.

Ngaba ubukele phezolo kwiphepha elilandelayo leZiko leeFowuni?

– Hayi, ndineDiViDishka. Kwaye yintoni?

– E-St. Petersburg, ilitye lesikhumbuzo kwi-Nose.

– Kwaye yintoni?

– Ndingathanda ukwenza uphando ngeli tyala, ukuba ungavuma, O Hon. Mnu.

– Yintoni enye into eyenzeke phantsi kwempumlo, ekungekho mntu uye wayixelela yona, ukuthetha ngokucacileyo. Leliphi ilitye lesikhumbuzo elinqumle iimpumlo zabo?

– Kulungile, kunye noGogol..

– Impumlo kaGogol inqunyulwe?

– Hayi, uGogol unalo ibali malunga ne-FNL.

– Kwaye yintoni?

– Ukuhlonipha eli bali, kwakhiwa ibala lesikhumbuzo eSt. Kwaye ndiyazi rhabaxa ngubani owenze lonto.

– Abangenamakhaya okanye yintoni? Akukho namnye umntu. Ubhedu. Kwaye ufuna ntoni kum?

– Ukuqhuba eli shishini, ikhatyhidi.

– ke zixakeke, yintoni ingxaki? Kodwa kuphela ngexesha lakho lasimahla.

– Kodwa ndiya kufuna iindleko, iindleko zokuhamba, izidlo, indawo yokuhlala ehotele, abakhweli beteksi.

– M-ewe. Kwakufuneka iqale ngale. Yiloo nto ukuya eSt. Petersburg, ungathatha umvalo ngololiwe, iBomzhovskoe iyathandana, ke ihotele ayinanto yakwenza nayo. Ungasitshintsha kwisikhululo okanye, okona kubi, kwizindlu ezingekho phantsi komgangatho. Uya kudla nabo. Kwaye esixekweni nasezinyaweni ungahamba kunye nokukhanya kwe-St. Akukho mali kuhlahlo-lwabiwo mali ndide ndigqibe ukwakha ikhitshi. Well, uyandiqonda?

– Kwaye kwidesika ye-Strongpoint yam? Ndikhethe apha ukuhlawulisa amafama ngokudibeneyo.

– Kwaye okuninzi?

– Ewe kwanele okwesihlandlo sokuqala.

– Kulungile. Yithathe kwiakhawunti. Ukuba usombulula ingxaki, ndiza kukuhlawula iindleko zeerisithi zokuthengisa, kodwa hayi?! Ayisiyo yam ukuba ndithathe isigqibo, kuba imali yoluntu.

– Kulungile, uMzekelo uJanis oglu Snegiryov. Ewe, andinalo ixesha elincinci, kodwa ndiza kuza nento. -U-Ottila wabeka phantsi ifowuni kwaye walala etafileni, iingalo zandisiwe.

– Nantsi, ishishini elitsha! Ngoku baya kufumanisa ngam ePetrovka 38.

Umnyango ungene, kunye nemilinganiselo enkulu ka-Isolde Fifovna, isiqingatha sakhe esiphambili, savela.

– Ngaba uza kutya? -ucele ngobumnene, -kwaye ungazibeki etafileni, ndiyisisulile.

– Ndiza kufumana isidlo sakusasa apha!

– Ithetha ukuthini NAYE? Ndifana nomlindi okanye into? Yiya ekhitshini kwaye utye njengaye wonke umntu. Andizukuthwala.

– Ndingathanda ukuba, kodwa uMarshall kufuneka anditsalele umnxeba.

– Mhlekazi? Ndingatsho njalo. Emva koko linda. Unyana uzisa ngoku okuseleyo. Uye wehla etafileni, uSherlock Holmes… Hahaha … – wahleka wangena kwisiqingatha sesibini sendlu.