СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Umcuphi ophambeneyo. Umcuphi ohlekisayo

Ucango lwasesitratweni ngaphambili, kwaye i-Corporate Incephalopath yavela emnyango.

– Ndingayifumana ikharethi?

– Ngena uhlale phantsi… Sineshishini… Ngomso siza eSt. -U-Ottila waphakama, waguquka wahlala kwisitulo.

– Kutheni?

– Iliwa lesikhumbuzo kwimpumlo ye-Gogol.

– -Ndihlala ndicinga, u-Bos…

I-APULAZ 2

UHarutun Karapetovich wayebonakala emncinci kwaye mde. Ubuso yayisiCaucasian esiqhelekileyo. Iinwele zimvi, zide ziye emahlombe, nkqu njengengca. Kwi-Tiechka kukho i-baldness eqinileyo efunyenwe emsebenzini odlulileyo njenge-janitor kubasebenzi beendwendwe. Ngaphambili, ebesebenza njengekati, emva kweminyaka elishumi esentolongweni, njengebanjwa lezopolitiko. I-anecdote ixelele ngo-Lenin, inkokeli ye-proletariat, kunye neehagu, kumphicothi zincwadi kwibhunga ledolophu, kwaduma. U-Lenin ngewayesabele ngokulula, avele ahleka, kodwa abasemagunyeni apho – hayi. Kodwa yayikho emva kwexesha leSoviet. Kwaye ke, ngokunyamalala kwenkqubo yeSoviet, irekhodi lolwaphulo-mthetho nalo lwanyamalala. Uhlaziyiwe kwaye wanikwa izibonelelo zegesi. Kodwa ngokuthatha kwakhe umhlala phantsi, wayefuna ukuba luncedo eluntwini, emva koko inkosikazi yepolisa lesithili elitsha lanyanzelwa ngamehlo aluhlaza kwaye… okuseleyo kukuHack… Ke, ndiyacinga, hayi ukungafungi… Ke waya kwinkampani ipolisa lesithili, kwaye isikhundla sahlala kwinkonzo yomkhosi.

Wayewathanda umphenyi wesiNgesi uPootot kwaye ke ngoko wayebetha umbhobho onjengeHolmes, wabadanisa nje. Wanxiba umnqwazi kunye neendevu, njenge-Elkyl’s, eyiGeorgia kuphela. Nokuba umtsi uthengile efanayo kunye nesticoat kubasebenzi baseMariinsky Opera nakwiBallet Theatre ngebhokisi yokukhanya kwelanga. Ezi zihlangu zazenziwe ukuba zi-odolwe ngummelwane owayesebenza njengomsebenzi wokudubula elalini. Waze wayikhuphela ngaphandle ngezikhonkwane kwaye xa ehamba, ngakumbi i-asphalt, ucofa njengehashe okanye intombazana evela eBroadway. Impumlo yakhe injengokhozi, kwaye amehlo akhe amakhulu enjengele lemur.

«Ke,» watsho u-Ottila, wahlala kwisitulo esikhethekileyo. U-Izya wakhwela ucango wangena eofisini. Kwitreyi wayephethe amaqanda aqwengwe ngeentlanzi kunye nencindi yakhe yegalikhi ayithandayo. -iza ngokukhawuleza, ngapha koko iphiramidi sele iqhuma.

– Fuuuu! -Ipephalopath emileyo, – uyisela njani? Unokuphumla…

– Ungayiqonda ngantoni igourmet entle? Sukusela. Ndiyithanda ngokwam. -Uk… – uthathe isiphu seOttila kwaye.., – Uhhh, -uye wagqobhozela ecaleni. Utsiba wagxadazela wabaleka waya kwikona yeofisi. Umngxunya weetubhu ezinomngundo obonakalayo ushiye umqala kwaye kwangoko, njengegesi yinyembezi, walikhukulisa lonke igumbi. UArutuna wabanjwa sisifuba kwaye xa edakumbile, wayengekho sakhono.

– Ngaba unokuba neentloni okanye okuthile?! Ndilungele ooyihlo.

– Okanye umama? -U-Ottila wayefumana amaqanda aqanduselwe kwaye, enomlomo, ecaphula iingcongconi, ekhonkotha ngokungqongqo: – wonke umntu unencasa yakhe, watsho umHindu, esuka phantsi kwinkawu esula iqhude lakhe ngegqabi lebhanana. Ngaba ufuna iliso?

– Yhu! Uxolo, mthetheleli, ndilibele into … – U-Arutun Karapetovich wayenentloni kwaye wahlala phantsi kwisitulo.

Ngesiquphe kwangena ucango lwasesitratweni kwangena umfazi osekhulile oneminyaka elikhulu ubudala.

– Ngubani ongavalanga umnyango??? Ndixakekile, gogo!!! -Igciwane yeKlop kwaye ixhwile…

Umfazi weva ukuba ukhohlela, wabalekela kuye ephepheni kunye nepeni, ukuze abhale umyolelo. Kodwa ke, akubona ukungabi nto kwakhe, watshamba wabetha umyeni wakhe ngamabhanti egxalabeni. I-Ottila yakhwaza yatshiza isikhupha.

– Uh, Harutun, ixhala elidala, kutheni ungavalanga ucango emva kwakho xa ufikileyo? Kwaye wena, mnumzana, phuma, sinomhlangano.

– Njani? kubuza ugogo osisithulu.

– Grunt! yiza emva kwesidlo sangokuhlwa!! -atsho uKlop ngelizwi elikhulu.

– Yitya, utye, isithandwa kunye ne-marigold… Ndiza kulinda. -utat’omkhulu wancuma kwaye ebambe ongezantsi, njengoko kwakungekho zizitulo ezingaphezulu, kwaye kwakungekho siko ukunikezela ngendawo apha, kwaye akukho namnye ophuma kubaphulaphuli owafika ezingqondweni.

– Luhlobo luni lesidlo sasemini? Huh? Ndifumana isidlo sakusasa… Kwaye kwi-ajenda: sebenza kunye nabangaphantsi. -U-Ottila waphakamisa isandla sakhe kwaye, ephethe isipuni ngeqhekeza leqanda, wakhupha isibetho ngqo esweni likaHarutun, – kwaye wena? -atsiba esihlalweni, -ngenambulelo yokulamla, – emva kokoatsiba etafileni, – ninokutya ukukhanya kwelanga kuphela, nize nobuso ebusweni. Andizukuhamba njenge-coyote.. -njenge-acrobat, ukusebenzisa i-somersault, ndatsiba ukusuka etafileni ukuya emgangathweni, – kwaye ndikunyamezele.. Bhala ingxelo kwaye yile!

– Yiphi ingxelo? Yintoni le uyithukayo? «U-Isolde Fifovna wamphazamisa ngesikhalo seKing Kong.»

– Ah? -umgama waqala ngokuqala.

Yintoni le uyithukayo? -ubuze ngokuzola nangokuthe cwaka, awuboni, ulele ixesha elide.

– Ke, apha, ngoku, ukuhlala ubusuku ngokungaphezulu? I – Incifalatus, khupha lo mhlala phantsi. – U-Ottila waphinda wabuyela ebhegini wakhwela kwisihlalo ukuze abe nokutya ngakumbi.

I – Incephalopath, patron, hayi Incifalate. -walungisa uCorporate waya kwinkazana endala elele. Wamtyhala kancinci ngomsele, njengoPootot okanye uWatson. -Uyintanda, ee?! -jikajike kuMphathi, owayesele ehleli etafileni kunye neentshatsheli.

– Mhlekazi, yena, ngokoluvo lwam, ukrwada.

– Yintoni? Ukudlwengula.

– Kulungile,. Akaphefumli. Ifile. -uphinde woyike kwilizwi lakhe watsho uHarutun. Imilebe yakhe yanyibilika. Wayecinga ukuba naye uya kulindelwa okufanayo. UHarutun walila.

I-Ottila iyabanda ngumlomo wokutya. Wajonga umfazi wakhe wabuza:

– Zhinka, hamba uyikhuphe.

U-Fifovna waphakama wanyusa ixhegokazi ngombala. Iinyawo zaye zenyuka phantsi, kwaye amadolo akaqondile. Uye wenyuka wabeka isidumbu njengevasi phambi kwe-mug, ngesidenge wajonga umlomo wakhe ugcwele amaqanda ahlafunisiweyo, umyeni wakhe.

Zibonele ngokwakho, ntlungu, ingaba ufile okanye akunjalo?! kwaye wayesele eza kuhamba. -Uye, uZhinka. Uya kuphendula ngenxa yeZhinka. wathula…

– Msuse etafileni, wena sidenge!!! Ngaba u… nyhani, okanye yintoni? Ndiyinkosi apha, kunye nomphathi, kwaye wena…

– Kulungile, yaqala kwakhona. -ugqibelele itreyi Intsephalopath.

– Kwaye usebenzisa ingxowa ye-Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop mahala! – izinyibilikisi zisuka emlonyeni zabhabha zodwa, Kwaye ngokubanzi … «Uyintombi apha.» Ndiyifumene?

– Ewe, nkosi yam. -Donald Isoldushka kwaye waguqa. Intloko yakhe yayiqaqanjelwe yintloko yomyeni wakhe emi etafileni. Kwaye ubungakanani beentloko zabo buya kuphembelela nayiphi na i-pessimist: Intloko yakhe yayiphindwe kahlanu kunaye.

– Kulungile, heh heh heh, ndikuxolele, thabatha lo ugogo uphumele ngaphandle emnyango waya kwiveranda. Hayi, kungcono kude nekhaya. Kusasa kwaye umntu uza kumfumana.

Unkosikazi wasithatha isidumbu wasihambisa apho wayalela khona umniniyo. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, usebenze nenkxaso, njengegcisa lobuchwephesha, umgcini-jitter kunye nonobhala-usompempe kwisikhundla se-mattress esiphezulu. Umzuzu emva koko wabuya kwaye wahamba, esiya etafileni.

– Ndiyiphose ngaphaya kocingo.

– Ngaba usisidenge okanye unento? Le yintshatsheli yesityalo. Kuyinyani, ukuhlala. Ngamafutshane-ibhamu.

– Uyatya. -umfazi wanyusa iplate.

– andifuni. Ngefanele ukuba ubeke kwisitya sam. Kukutya okunjani oku? Ndikhuphe, batye abantwana batye. Musa ukubaxelela into endiyityileyo. Kwaye emva koko badelela.

Kulungile, ukuba unesifebe esivela emlonyeni wakho. Ngaba ufuna ukuhlamba amazinyo xa wawagcina ukuwacoca, kwiminyaka elikhulu eyadlulayo? -umfazi uqokelele izitya etafileni waya kwindawo yokuhlala yehafu yendlu.

– Thula, mfazi! Uqonda ntoni ngevumba? Kulungile, -ndilahle engxoweni yam ngezikhuhla nasemacaleni etafileni. -Oko bendifuna ukukuthetha. Huh?.. Ke, lungiselela ukuya kuPeter.

– Kutheni?

– Ewe, osebenza kunye, sineshishini elitsha elinobuzaza. Okokuqala kunye nokugqibela!

– Ngaba siyatshintshelwa eSt. -UHarutun wakhupha iinwele zakhe ezimpumlweni zakhe, wavuya kwaye wagrunjelwa ngumhluzi.

– Hayi, zithathe zipholile. Siza kuphanda ngomcimbi onzulu, singangxami ngokujonga imihlambi, sikhangela iinkukhu ezilahlekileyo kunye nenkunzi. Kwaye emva koko, xa simfumene, siya kudluliselwa ngaphezulu…

– iphi ezulwini?

– Isidenge, akukho zixeko ezulwini, eMelika.

– Kwaye siza kujonga ntoni? Yintoni ekufuneka ifumaneke ukuze usithumele eMelika?

– Siya kujonga impumlo…

– Ngempumlo kabani? -UHarutun akazange aqonde.

U-Ottila wakhwela etafileni kwaye wahamba waya kwelinye icala, kufutshane neCorporate. Wahlala phantsi kwaye waxhuma imilenze yakhe, encokola kunye nabo.

Ewe, ngokufutshane.. – waqala ngelizwi elinesiqingatha.

– Kwaye yintoni, kwisisebe emva koko?

– Nerd, ukhuphiswano. Eli tyala linokuthi lithathwe yimbewu.

– Ahhh! Ndayiqonda ikhareji.

– Ke emva koko, umkhono. Heh, kupholile! Ndiyi «cartridge», kwaye «ungumkhono». Kwaye i-cartridge ifakwe emkhombeni. Hahaha Iyahlekisa

– Hayi. Bafaka i-bullet kwi-cartridge.

– Yintoni, smart? Kwaye uyazi ukuba kwilizwe lethu wonke umntu ulumkile-ulihlwempu kwaye ulihlwempu. Ngaba ufuna ukwenza umahluko? Mamela ke, andizukuchaza kabini. Indawo engcwele soze ingenanto. Kwaye indawo yakho, hayi iNgcwele nje.. Ngaba uyazi ukuba bangaphi abantu abangaphangeliyo kwilali yethu abafuna ukukuthatha ukuba uthathe indawo yakho yasimahla?

U-Harutun waqhekeza amehlo ngenxa yokoyika kwaye wasula iinyembezi zokungazithembi.

– Uxolo, ikhatriji, hayi ibhulethini ifakwe emkhombeni, kodwa ikhatriji.

– Kulungile, yiva ke, malini, ndiza kukuchaza ngokufutshane: Eeee… uyifundile uGogol?

– Wasela mogul.

– Uyandiqhatha?

– Kwakuhlekisa. Ndibukele iifilimu ngokuthatha kwakhe inxaxheba.

– Kulungile. Ngaba ubukele imovie malunga neNOS?

– Malunga nantoni?

– Kulungile, ayikhathaleli eyakho? … – U-Ottila watsibela etafileni, -Horum kwakhona?

– Mnn, ewe! -umntu omkhulu wasukuma wema ngxi. U-Ottila wajonga le micimbi yomdibaniso kwaye, ngamehlo aqwayingayo, waphakamisa intloko, ephosa intloko kuye esiphelweni kwaye wabona kuphela into yokulala.

– Hlala ngoku fucking!! wakhwaza. Umbutho wayehleli kwindawo yokuqala.

– Ndikhumbula. I-cartridge… kulapho indoda yaphulukana nempumlo…

– Ukhunjulwe?

– Kulungile |

– Siya kumkhangela. Ngokwakhe … – Kwaye u-Ottila watsala umnwe kule ndawo. -ndibuze ngesiqingatha semini. Ucele kakhulu ukuba nam ndiwuthathe ngokwam lo mbandela. Ukuthetha, kwathatha ulawulo lomntu.

– nguThixo?

– Hayi, wena sidenge, Mhlekazi. Nuuu, uthixo wethu. Watsho ukuba akukho mntu umbi kunaye…

– Kwaye siya kumkhangela njani. Eli bali?! Ngaphezu koko, bafa.

– Ngoobani?

– Ewe, aba bantu baphambili basweleke kudala… kwaye uGogol lingqina eliphambili, iyafana… kuhle, ufile.?! Oku akuhlekisi.. Ahhh?

– Isidenge. -Ibug itsiba ukusuka ezingubeni ze-Incephalopath. -Siya kujonga ilitye lesikhumbuzo kwibhodi yobhedu ebiwe. Nokuba ngabantu abangenakhaya okanye iikati. Yonke into efanayo, ilitye lesikhumbuzo eNOSU, kwaye mhlawumbi… izixhobo zakudala.!?

– Kwaye ngubani oza kuhlala apha?

I – Isolde kunye ne-Izzy eyintloko.

– Ngaba usemncinci?

– Akukho nto incinci, ndandimazi umfazi kwiminyaka yakhe.

– Ngale nto, uninzi lweengqondo aludingeki: yibeke, spat kwaye uhambe…

– Uyazi njani, wazi njani…

– Hayi, mlathisi, ndingahlala, intliziyo yam ibuthathaka…

Akukho nto, apha eSt. Petersburg uya kuphefumla igesi kunye nokukhululeka.

UHarutun wayefuna ukuthetha into eza kuhlala nenkosikazi kaKlop, kodwa waba nengqondo wajonga kude kumlo omde odibeneyo edolweni kwaye wacinezela inambuzane kumngxunya weebhulukhwe zakhe ngesithupha sakhe.